June 12, 2017

It is finally hot.

I already have sunburn in some places.  I actually have a really funny chest-tan line going on, I thought it would be a good idea to wear a strapless bikini top for optimal shoulder-tanning.  Unknown to me it was a little off-centre and now I have a funny, crooked line right above my boobs.  Luckily I did put on sunscreen but I was lazy with the re-application-aside from my face- and now I suffer the consequence.

I got a little confident last week and actually applied for a job.  A job I really want, with a company I love and actually have worked for before in the past.  I actually got a response back within a few days and I was hoping to hear about an interview as early as this week.  I felt really good about myself, life, and the future when I thought I was on track to getting the job.  Now it has been a few days since I have heard anything and thought I keep telling myself “it is only Monday”, I can’t help but worry that either I or my resume or BOTH are off-putting.  This is probably not the case but I tend to jump to conclusions surrounding my insecurities pretty quickly.  I also really really really want this job.  It sounds like it could potentially be my dream job.  Not to mention the doors it would open for me if I did and could get back to working again.  I need to make money.  I need things.  I need to be able to provide for myself and currently I can’t say as though I am able to do that.

I want a newer car.  I never wanted to drive a van but I have been and I am making the best out of it but thinking of driving it through another [Canadian] Winter makes me cringe.  I desperately want us to get an apartment.  I don’t feel as though I will feel fully comfortable and at-home until I/we can get into our own place.  I need my own kitchen, bathroom, living room and I want the control that paying for your own place brings.  I crave the independence and the freedom.  I worry that if I cannot find gainful employment that things could get really bad for me [mentally] in the next 6-12 months.

I have been feeling the desire to go home on and off for a few months now.  I was fine the first month, perhaps it was the high of moving that got me through that first month because in the months following I have become more and more depressed.  I find myself napping to escape the tears.  I miss my mom.  She drives me nuts sometimes but I miss her company, humour, and conversation.  I miss that feeling of being home.  If I think about it too much it makes me cry.

I actually have gone as far as to move a few things back over to my moms house with the intent of potentially staying there in the future.  If the anxiety gets really bad I may need to go back for awhile.  Heck, even without the anxiety I might need to go back.  I am getting tired.  Tired of feeling invisible and lonely.  Tired of days filled with nothing and nights filled hoping to avoid anxiety or sadness.  I feel like I was once first on the list and now I feel like I am almost last.  I am grateful for my cat, Marble, because she is such a sweet baby.  She stays with me when I can’t get out of bed, she makes me laugh at times when I didn’t know I could, she listens and never judges.

I have Therapy tomorrow.  I am kind of glad for that because I need to talk to someone, who better then my therapist? As always I am promising myself a Starbucks treat but so far I have not stopped since before Christmas, I remember because I have gift cards FROM CHRISTMAS that I still have not used.  Let’s see if tomorrow is any different then the last couple of months…

I also have my Nano Brow appointment this week.  I am pretty excited about it and I really hope to vlog it for my YouTube Channel.  From what I have read there are only 10 locations in Canada that do Nano Brows and my Eyebrow girl is one of those 10.  Nano Brow is more like a tattoo then the Microblading, the ink is deposited deeper under the skin than it is with Microblading and it is said to last up to 5 years.  Yes please.

What takes away from my excitement is the drive to get there.  It’s worth the drive but it does take me over an hour to get there, over 2 hours round trip.  Not my most favourite of commutes but I have done it many times now, I know I will be fine, and I will be so happy when I leave I won’t even care about the drive.

I look forward to Friday.  Therapy will be done [till my next appointment], my new brows will be healing, perhaps I will have heard some word regarding that job I really want.  I have even promised myself a big treat such as a new haircut if I am lucky enough to snag an interview.

Who knows.  I sure don’t.  I can only hope, and try to think positive thoughts.  Breathe.  I will be okay.

Going Nowhere

My brain is tired.  I can’t focus.  I almost can’t even think.

I have been TRYING all day to streamline my 2 google accounts to one.  I have been trying to synchronize and change my contact email from my personal to a business account.  It is not going well.  But it could be worse.

I do not want 2 google accounts.  The first one I created way back when I had no idea what I was doing.  I had no concept or idea of branding really and now that I do I am so frustrated that I am unable to change some things and/or I do not understand how to or what I am even trying to do at times.

Ugh.  For now I think I am stuck working between 2 accounts.  I am afraid of having an “accident” and losing all my YouTube stuff.  I have thought about starting over.  I am still thinking of starting over but I don’t want to lose my screen name or come up with a new one.  Unless of course something clever just comes to me…. You never know.  Could happen.

Google is making me crazy.  All I want to do is change my main email address.  Why WHY must it be so hard.  All day.  I have spent ALL DAY working on this and I think I am done.  I may have even effed up my adsense account along the way.  Good grief. I need to stop thinking about this conundrum.

I feel like I am trying to get somewhere and I am getting nowhere.  I am going nowhere.  Except in circles.  I am going in circles.

Perhaps after I sleep on it I will be able to think with a clearer mind.

I have a therapy appointment tomorrow.  I both dread it and look forward to it all at the same time.  I look forward to getting out of the house and having some me-time but I hate that I have to spend it talking about my problems and my younger-jaded-selves.  I hate that I have to worry about parking every time I am there.  City parking is a nightmare and costs an arm and a leg for a measly hour or 2.

My mind is everywhere and nowhere all at the same time.

I hate the night before therapy days.  I always feel slightly all-over-the-place.  I want to go but I don’t want to go, I want to be finished, I want to be whole and happy and back to me again.  I had no idea it would take this long and I wonder if I will ever find me again.  Sometimes I feel like she is there and other times I feel like she is no longer me, and I am no longer her.  The days I can feel her are the better days.  The days that I feel as if I am no longer her are the days I feel the loneliest and the darkest.

I feel like a shell.

I feel like I am invisible.

I feel as though I might just take an adivan and go to bed.

Goodnight, always hoping for a good morning.

April 25, 2016

I had to take another Ativan tonight.  I just could not shake the looming feeling that anxiety was coming.

I am frustrated.  I am frustrated with myself and my “new” environment.  I am doubting myself again.  I feel lonely a lot, even when there are people around.  Could be a little dissociation problem, could be something else that I don’t want to deal with right now.

In attempts to clear my head earlier today I went to Shoppers Drug Mart.  I needed Q-tips and I wanted to spend some time with me doing what me likes.  I walked up and down my favourite aisles- cosmetics, skin care, hair care, and chocolate – and I just enjoyed being with myself.  I miss that.  Taking myself out just to take some time to be with me.  I decided to treat myself to some new shampoo and conditioner.  After price and scent comparisons, ultimately I chose Garnier’s [somewhat] new line of Whole Blends.  It was on sale for $4.99 CDN (each, on sale) and the “Honey Treasures” smelled so AH-MAH-ZiNG I had to have it in my life.  SO.  GOOD.

whole blends 1

I remembered I wanted that Ralph Lauren perfume that was on sale but upon smelling it for the first time in ohhhh 15 years, I swiftly changed my mind.  It took me right back to high school, back to a place where I did not feel safe, back to a place that I don’t like to think about.  It reminded me of my youth in a really really bad way.  I am so glad I didn’t get purchase-happy and just buy it for nostalgia purposes, I would have never wanted to wear it.

The Cosmetician on shift asked me if I needed any assistance and I politely smiled and said “no thanks, just checking out the sales”. Pffft.  That was a mistake.  She began telling me about how there are some lipsticks and mascaras on sale – neither of which I was shopping for nor do I need – but not wanting to be rude I listened [kind of] of then tried to politely exit said convo.  I was feeling particularly awkward as I was engaged in me-mode and was not looking to talk to anyone.  No offence intended to her of course, she was just doing her job. And I was just feeling like quietly browsing.  It’s therapeutic in a way.  I need to wear a sign – SHY INTROVERT SHOPPING. I’M GOOD THANKS! GO AWAY.

I made my way down the skincare aisle and I noticed, to my delight, that Neutrogena products were on sale. Score! That Benzoyl Peroxide Cleanser I have been eyeing for a few weeks was finally on sale! Though I have not had bad acne since my stint with Accutane a good decade ago now, I am still paranoid of breakouts and still get the odd little problem crop up.  So, I like to keep at least one acne-wash on hand at all times.  I have been wanting the Pro-Active face cleanser for ages but I only want to cleanser, I don’t want all the other things it comes with.  I like Pro-Active because it is one of the few products that use Benzoyl Peroxide which, for me, has always worked better then the usual Salicylic Acid products.  This Neutrogena “Rapid Clear”, ahem, “Paste” cleanser has Benzoyl Peroxide and at $9.99 CDN (on sale) will due in place of Pro-Active. Yes, it can be very drying, therefore, YES, I will need to moisturize.  For now I am trying it out using my Clinique Gel-Moisturizer but I will need to find something with a decent SPF soon.  Beach season is barreling towards me!

facewash

On my way home I FINALLY stopped in at one of the three Thrift Stores that are here in town.  I have not been thrifting in ages and though the store was pretty small, I spend a large amount of time in there.  I was looking for a blue denim jacket- preferably Levi’s but not the be all end all if it’s not.  I did not find any denim but I did find a Garage pullover with a cowl-neck hoodie – could be my new fave. I also found a hot pinky-orange leopard-printy skirt that I could probably also wear as a dress.  Feels like a jersey material and has a nice elastic waistband.  An elderly couple was shopping too and the woman says to me “oh my THAT is CUTE!” whilst I was holding the skirt up to myself, I smiled and said “Oh I know! and so perfect for summer!”.  I also said something about how thats why I LOVE the thrift store, you never know what you are going to find! She agreed and told me she comes in almost every day.  I have no problem talking to old folks especially at the thrift or grocery store but other people in other places cause me awkwardness.  *Personal Observation*.

The last item I picked up for myself was another tea cup and saucer.  I could not help myself.  I have a problem. Cups, Mugs, and Chairs.  I have ’em, I collect ’em, and I seem to gravitate towards ’em.  So, gravitate I did.  I looked over the glassware twice and had just about decided that I would get nothing when I saw a sweet looking set of teacups and saucers.  When I investigated them further I saw that they were hand-painted (SO COOL!) and they are both microwave and dishwasher safe. I have neither but hey, always a plus with mugs and such.  One day I will have a dishwasher and microwave.

teacup1

I bought one set.  One cup and one saucer.  Yes, I am considering walking back tomorrow to buy at least one more.  Or the whole damn set.  I don’t need more then one right now but I could use another one for backup and if I were to entertain ever I would like to have some matching cups and saucers to whip out.  It was only $2 for a set so it’s not like I’d be breaking the bank.  We will see.  I will sleep on it.

I felt really good for that brief amount of time that I was out and about.  The sun had come out in time for my walk home.  I was so hot having worn my winter coat again like a crazy person.  I came right home and threw on my flip flops.  Shortly afterwards I showered and used my new products which was a fun little treat.  I also did a load of laundry so that I could wear my new pullover hoodie asap.

My love even got me out for a long early-evening walk which I very much did enjoy.  I managed to walk more then my daily goal steps on my cell phone app (LG Health) and apparently I walked over 6km! That alone should have made me happier then it did.  Our travels led us down a lot of old streets, I could see years stamped in the sidewalk every so often, 1958, 1962.  So many years, so many people have walked up and down these sideways, where were they they going? What were they doing? I keep meaning to start taking pictures of these historical marks.  It’s neat.

When we were making our way home we took a little detour through town and stopped at 7Eleven.  Oh thank heaven for 7Eleven.  Have always and will always love the slush.  We got a large Crush Cream Soda Slush to share.  It was so pretty and pink and delicious. I shoulda snapped a picture but I didn’t… Perhaps next time… because it won’t be long until there is another one.

And then slowly but surely the dread and sadness began to creep in.  I found myself becoming easily irritated and on edge.  I had a pretty awesome day all in all.  I am not really sure why …. wait…. I think it has just hit me why.  After writing and reading and thinking I think I see the problem.  Something is triggering me here.  In the evenings and at night time I often feel triggered.  Not 100% sure of what said trigger is but now realizing there MUST be a trigger I can be a little more aware of it, NOTE TO SELF.  Be on the look out.

I hope I don’t wake up wanting to spend my day in bed.

Feels like it could be a sleep-my-worries-away kinda day tomorrow.  Who knows.  I don’t know.  Hopefully I am wrong.

Always hoping for sunshine and good vibes.

Stay GRooVY my friends.

Goodnight.

April 24, 2017

Monday.

Monday.

Can’t trust that day.

In Monday’s defence, I have been in a terrible mood since yesterday morning, possibly even as far back as Saturday, I cannot remember.  Ugh. I knew it was coming.  I usually tend to de-fragmentate a few days in not 24 hours after therapy so making it until the end of the week is epic, it feels epic.  I just hate being back to I-hate-myself-and-everything-and-every-decision-I-ever-made mood.  I hate it.  I don’t even like being in my own brain when it’s like this.

I am sad because in even though I am moving forward I feel stuck.  I am currently stuck in my financial situation.  I am currently stuck in my housing situation. And for now, today, I feel as though I can’t do much about it [right this literal second].

I do have future plans/goals to pursue school (AGAIN!), and I hope that this ’round of college serves me better then the 2 rounds I already ran.  I am so worried about this ending up like those other times but at the same time I feel inner relief when I think about the courses I am looking to take.  This time it really feels like me.  I am choosing my path.  Not my mom, not my anxiety, not my million-and-one what if’s? It’s all me.  And if all else fails at least I am gaining my way back into society and I am learning new skills.  I like to learn and I feel I am yearning to learn, to learn a way out of the life I thought I was doomed to.

Today was a lovely sunny day and I spent most if it in bed, in track pants, not wanting to deal with the world. At all.  I managed to re-schedule a dental appointment so that was a win.  I don’t go until October now.  I am sure I will regret that come October but today I am pretty a-ok with it.  I try to keep ontop of my 6-month dental checkups but the dentist stresses me out BIG TIME.  Every couple of years (and good checkups) I let myself skip an appointment or 2 just so I don’t worry about the dentist.  Strange too because I have pretty average dental hygiene (not super-fantastic but not horrible either) and I have not had a cavity in well over 2 years now, I should not be worried.  But I always do.

I had a mid-afternoon nap.  HUGE MISTAKE. I woke up so cranky and anxious I was literally nauseated.  My love had a baseball practice I did [in theory] want to attend so I popped an ativan, got dressed, and off we went.  Again. MISTAKE.  I felt so out of it all the way to the field plus I felt angry, angry over things I have no control over right now.  I should have stayed home and had a bad or continued to nap but that is not what I did.  We got to the field and what was previously a pretty lovely day had turned into a pretty though VERY CHILLY evening.  I was dressed pretty well and I immediately knew I was screwed for warmth.  I had decided 2 innings into the practice that I was going to go sit in my van.  At least it would be warm there.

Who knows how many innings later and  I am still standing outside, fracking freezing. One of the guys lady friends came out late and being that we were the only 2 non-players we got to chatting and joking and I seemed to momentarily forget my horrid mood.  She was so funny and just kept me laughing that by the end of the game I had almost completely forgotten about my mood.  I have never met her before nor did I get her name but I liked her and I hope to see her at the games over the summer.  She has a great sense of humour which is top notch in my books.  I could use a baseball-watching friend.

Now it is almost 11, my kitty is laying beside me, I have had a few shots [of Disorronno – one of the ONLY things I will drink], I’ve got some warm comfies on and I feel better.  I don’t know what tomorrow morning will hold but for now I feel better.  I don’t feel so stressed or sad.  It’s still there, I am just not feeling it so much.  Tomorrow is a fresh day, a new start- might even be the day I actually APPLY for school *pretty please with a cherry on top*.

I don’t know what going to school will do to my future but I am too afraid to find out what not going will do so I know I want to go.  I need to try.

Well.  I have hit that wall of tired and I must crawl into my bed with my love and our fur baby.  I must think positive thoughts and stop dwelling on the past.  The past is long gone and the future is fairly near, and the future is in my hands now.  It’s up to me to put in the work to reap the reward.  Literally and metaphorically speaking.

Until we meet again my friends,

Take care & STaY GRooVY ❤

Rainy Days, Hair Woes, and missing Mom

blogfotomarch17

Today was a very rainy Saturday.  It has been cold, wet, and grey. I don’t like it.  This weather just makes me want to curl up in bed, which is exactly what I did today.  Turned out to be a bad idea.

I woke up feeling all sorts of funky.  It happens on occasion, it’s a shame really because I do love naps but this waking up to feeling not-so-fine causes me to avoid naps sometimes because it’s just not worth the risk.  I feel like I may have been dreaming.  I woke up with my mom on my mind.  I should go visit soon, perhaps make use of her bathtub that I enjoy so much, have a cup of tea and a chat.  I feel like I miss her.  She’s not far away and I did not see her long ago.  I just could not shake this funky feeling-aka looming anxiety- so I took an Ativan to calm myself.  I even woke my Love because I felt I needed him awake with me.  He now sits beside me watching the hockey game which is fine, as long as he is beside me in case of emergency-comfort-needing I am good.

Phew. Ativan is kicking in.

I have been thinking too much today.  Thinking too much about the past and who I was and how I got here.  Thinking too much about my life before.  I am not that person any more and I do not miss her, I don’t know why for a moment I felt as though I missed that person.  That person was so down she couldn’t see any light, she self-sabotaged and constantly isolated herself and she thought that she wasn’t worthy of the happiness she so badly wanted to feel.

I have to remind myself of how far I have come.  I am plowing through my EMDR so I should not be surprised if a few episodes pop up here and there but I always am.  It always seems to happen after a period of feeling really put together and whole in myself.  I felt great the last few days-a week and then tonite I just felt like I could fall apart.  I have actually probably been feeling this way since I woke up this morning I have just been trying to ignore it.  Again, turned out to be a bad idea.  After all day of thinking too much it just overwhelmed my brain.

I was feeling as though I am doing nothing, going nowhere, just watching life go by.  I was questioning if all this time and money spent on therapy is worth it? Is this where I want my life to go? Where DO I want my life to go? Even now the answer is the same: I DON’T KNOW.  I have come this far that I can’t stop now so I can only hope and pray that this is the right path for me, that life will work out, and I will feel worthy of everything I want, deserve, and work for.

I got the itch to 2 tone my hair again last week which I am still not sure if that was a conscience or a dissociative thing to do.  It seemed like a BRILLIANT idea last Monday but pretty much since Tuesday I have been regretting my decision.  I did all this work to be all blonde just to f*ck it up in less then 20 minutes.  This too I have been overthinking – am I just trying to revert to a previous self? Did I really want to do this style? Am I looking dated in a way I don’t want to? Am I making myself look harsh? … Again, the answer is I DON’T KNOW. Looking at that photo I took the other day it looks pretty rad and I feel like I like it. Something so mundane as hair colour keeps me lost in thoughts for hours.  Leave it, keep it, change it, color oops it… all these options overwhelm me.  For now, mostly due to my lack of ambition (thanks depression!), I will NOT bother to do a damn thing color-wise for a few weeks yet.  Buys me more time to make my decision and see how this black/purple/blue dye bleeds out… I seem to have had a hair dying addiction for a few years now.  Really, I just want to be back to blonde. I was born a blonde and I love blonde.  I just want blonde.  All these years of red, black, violet, orange, blue and any other color you can think of was just a desperate plea to be blonde.  My mother always told me I looked “cheap” with (white) blonde hair so to keep her happy I would often I would avoid keeping it blonde.  I have got to stop thinking that way. I can do what I want and be whoever I want to be.

I think this scares me, the thought that I can be whoever I want to be.  Quite possibly because I am not quite sure yet who I want to be but I do know that I am on my way there. I have become so used to pleasing someone else before pleasing myself that it feels weird to be fully in charge of myself.  Sometimes I feel like I want to do everything and I can do anything and then I get overwhelmed by all the things I could do and the feeling that time is just slipping away.

I keep feeling the desire to return to school.  To me, going back almost feels like I am REALLY starting over.  School is a place I have always felt safe and enjoyed and it would help me to re-socialize myself and get back into society.  It would also allow me to upgrade my now-outdated skills.  I don’t like the thought of looking for work with outdated skills.  I feel inadequate for the positions that I want to work.  I also so desperately do not want to repeat the last 10-14 years of my life, jumping from crappy job to crappy job just feeling crappier and crappier about myself.  I have been to college a few times before but my old self wasn’t focused on the program(s) I took, I was looking for a distraction from life.  I lied to myself in trying to be someone I wasn’t and it has always blown up in my face.  Lesson learned.  Follow my heart and choose wisely.

I don’t know if I will pursue school or what I will end up doing really.  I don’t feel that I can make that decision today per se, but it is definitely something that is on my mind.

I think I hear my bed calling my name. It is time for me to rest my weary head and hope that tomorrow is a better day.

Too much Bran and other Thoughts

It has now been just over 2 and a half weeks since we have moved.  So far so good – better then I thought actually… Until by the end of week 2 I realized I had not been…as “regular” as I should be.  Being the over-paranoid person that I can be I started thinking the worst and decided I better get me some bran, and perhaps some Activia yogurt.  I figured it was best to cover both bases of good bacteria and fibre.

I ended up deciding to just mix the yogurt and bran buds together which to my pleasant surprise is pretty good and pretty filling.  I literally pour out my ‘lil cup of yogurt into a bowl and add bran buds, mix it up and enjoy! Easy peasy lemon squeezey.

Within 24-48 hours I was feeling the affects of my yogurt-bran concoction and now, a few days later I feel fantastic.  Thanks to my enjoyment of my new little healthy snack I am becoming more regular then I have ever been and I am feeling physically and mentally better.  I might be to a point where if I am not careful I will consume too much bran.  I do not wish to experience what that will do.

Writing about being regular and bran snacks may not seem like much to most but the thing I wish to highlight here is that my stomach has not been the monster I had expected it to be – minus some minor constipation.  Since moving I have had less stomach aches, cramps, and bathroom issues in general.  I find it interesting that moving myself to a more positive and engaging environment is most definitely affecting me physically [and mentally] and in a good way.  This is showing me how negatively I was once effected by the life I had created for myself.  Back in 2008 into 2014-ish my stomach was like a ticking time bomb.  I felt like shit so much I got used to just feeling like shit.  When I was working I would watch what I ate around my shifts so as to make sure I would not have any problems during my shift.  I’d not eat instead of risking feeling sick- or I would have no appetite at all because I would be so stressed.  There was a time that I would get so anxious before going into work I would have to throw up before every shift.  Every.  Shift.

I can now see so clearly how my life was effecting how I was feeling physically.  I hated my job, my living situation, hec I think I must have hated myself to let myself continue to be miserable for so long.  At 25/26/27 years old I felt so stuck, I felt like life was beating me down, that “this” is all that there was for me.  I could not have been more wrong.  At 33 I feel like I am getting a new life.  It has been a long journey to get here and there is still more to hike but I am so grateful that I am on this journey and that somewhere I did love myself enough to decide to change my life.  Watching my Dads health fade away so fast at such a young age made me realize how short (and sad) life can be.  I decided right then and there that I wanted to change my life and pursue my ultimate best-self.  Before he died I was only living half a life and I was lying to myself about what I wanted and who I was.

Now, almost 4 years later and thousands of dollars in therapy, I am finally starting to feel like my whole -self is coming together.

 

First week here

I have made it.  Made it through the first week of being in a new place.  It has it’s pros and cons, mostly pros, but it is still a battle for me.  During the day I feel fine, content, a little lonely and a little lost but ok.  At night I have a hard time.  Last night I completely broke down and cried.  I am not unhappy here, it’s just different.  I need time to adjust.

I like being in/closer to town.  A few days ago my brother-in-law and I walked to a few places.  It was so windy I almost tripped over my own feet but I was so happy to be out and walking.  Freezing no less, but walking.  Our main purpose for walking to town was to get chocolate.  We both need our chocolate.  I also bought a Marc Ecko “cut & sew” pullover sweater, 100% Wool, for $10.00 at a local discount store.  It’s a men’s medium and fits a little large but I love it.  We came home to eat our chocolate and make tea.

My kitten, Marble, is adjusting pretty well.  She was sick yesterday a few times which immediately had me in tears and worried but by late afternoon she was totally fine and has been since.  I don’t know what cause her to be sick, her food is the same, her water is the same, same dishes, she has not gotten into anything… I don’t know and I am going to try not to over worry about her which I am all too good at. Today she has been running all over the house, she has seen her first bathroom and kitchen.  She sat and watched me do dishes this morning.  Such a cutie.  She helps keep me occupied and she is great company.

I am doing my first load of laundry here tonite.  I feel good to be getting on with laundry life.  I have had a nice hot shower with Sienfeld-like pressure.  It still blows me away every time I get in it. It’s kind of fun.  I did some dishes and tidying while my mother-in-law was out, I figured it was the least I could do.  I feel good this evening, granted it is Friday and I did take an Ativan earlier because I did not wish to repeat last night.

I was fine all day yesterday, at least I think I was fine.  I was longing for the weekend and definitely stressing about my Marble all day and I guess by 10pm I finally cracked.  Today I opted to try to keep myself busy and I have even decided that I want to re-arrange our new room already. I love a good re-arrange and re-organize.

I also really love our new little room.  It is much smaller then the one I had at my moms but it is cozy.  We have opted to put our mattress on the floor instead of taking up extra room with my antique 4-poster bed frame-plus in time of anxiety I like to lay on and sleep on the floor so just slapping the mattress down seemed like a good idea.  So far, so good, I quite like it.  I even have all the comforts I have gotten used to having, a small space heater and my heating blanket (this house is old and though very solid is limited on heat vents, this room of ours in particular does not have one).  With the door open during the day it heats up in here pretty fast but if I want the door closed it can get a little chilly.  Nothing compared to the chill of the basement though.  I love living above ground.  I was so sick of living in the basement, it was kind of depressing [for me].  We have 2 beautiful windows in our room that both myself and my cat enjoy.

I am learning what I actually need and use.  I don’t know where half my stuff is right now- I mean I know ALL of it is right above me in storage- but I don’t know where to begin to start looking for this and that.  Last weekend when we were moving I was so in a tizzy to just get outta my old house by the end I was just grabbing shit and putting it wherever.  I hope tomorrow to be a very good find-and-organize day.

Looking back at the week I feel that I will be ok.  I still need time to adjust and I need to take my time and I need to remind myself that it is ok.  My love is so supportive and has been since day 1, one of the many reasons I love him so.  I feel like as long as we are together and have each others love that I, we, will be ok- not just ok, FABULOUS.  I don’t praise him enough and he certainly deserves it.  He rubs my back when I cry because I am sad for no explainable -or at least cry able – reason.  He checks in often to make sure that I am ok and when he does he looks at me with such a look of genuine caring concern, it makes my heart skip a beat every time and it reminds me why I am doing this.  I mean aside from the fact that I am in my thirties and IT IS TIME for me to leave the nest… I need to do this for him, and us.  He stayed by my side no questions asked and no judgements ever and now I will stay by his.  I will be the best me I can be [if not for me] for him.  We made this move for me, so I could feel more relaxed and less sad, lonely, and frustrated.  And I am happy to report that I am feeling more relaxed, less sad, lonely, and frustrated which is an amazing feeling.  Sadly it is such a new feeling that I am not sure what to do with it yet.

The weather has been crazy this week.  From pouring rain to insane winds to snapping cold with flurries, literally every day has been different… I just wanted to log that for memories sake.

Well, my computer is dying and my eyes are getting heavy so off to bed I toddle, looking forward to Saturday, and Saturday morning snuggles with my love of course ❤