Tag: diary

The end of an era…

It could very well be the end of an era in my life.

I am changing and clearly so are my interests and hobbies.  One particular interest and hobby has been on the back burner for months now and it has recently occurred to me that I may just not be all that into it anymore.  Feels strange but sadly, is true.

I am referring to my dear old friend YouTube.  I have blogged about this in the past as I do recall my interest beginning to fade some time ago, but then it returned for a short time.  These days it seems as though my desire to even go on Youtube has severely dwindled.

I found YouTube at a time in my life when I was very lonely and in search of some, or any connection to people… Nice people… I found Kandee Johnson who immediately became my new role model.  I watched her videos day and in day out, I often stayed up all night watching tutorials and reading her blog(s).  It wasn’t long before I decided I too wanted to join the “broadcast yourself” party.  I started my channel and have since made over 100 videos.

It took me more time, energy, money, tears and frustration then I could have ever imagined to produce, edit, and upload videos.  And out of all the things I quit in my life, for some reason I refused to quit this.  I have learned and immense amount over the past 5+ years and for that I am grateful.  I have also met and conversed with a lot of amazing people which is magic in itself.  YouTube was there when no one else was.  When I was depressed, lonely, and not sleeping, YouTube was my friend.  No matter what time of day or what time of year I could sign in and see my online friends.  I could escape my own reality 4-10 minutes at a time.

There was also a point in my life where I really felt I had something to offer the YouTube community.  I had knowledge and things I wanted to share.  These days I do not feel as though I have much to offer the YT community nor do I care to share.

I have always loved to write and type.  I don’t so much love seeing myself and hearing my voice with video.  It gives me too much of an oppurtunity to pick myself apart.  I have however discovered that photography (and blogging) not only interests me more but makes me feel better then seeing myself and hearing myself.

I am still kind of lonely, depressed, and in search of human connection but I don’t feel the insatiable pull to YT that I once did.  I am behind in my subscriptions and have been for months now.  I have my own videos waiting to be edited but I just can’t be bothered to edit them.  I have comments on my channel that I am lazy to respond to (sorry guys!).  I am sad that my heart is no longer into filming, editing, uploading and watching but it is what it is.

It is the end of an era, but perhaps it is also the birth of a new one.  One where I live in the moment and stop picking myself apart.  One where I love myself enough to put myself and my feelings first.  YT is a wonderful platform and will always have a place in my heart but I feel now more then ever that it is not for me.  I respect and appreciate my fellow subscribers and channel owners as you were there for me when I needed you most.  But for now I must go, take a break, have a breather.

For now all of my videos have been privatized so that only I may view them.  Oddly enough I actually pre-wrote this blog months ago and the recent hubbub surrounding YT has only solidified my feelings.  Sometimes I feel like whipping out my camera and starting again but most times I decide not to.  That may change in the coming months, who knows? One day I just may jump start ye-ole channel but today is not that day.

Today I work on my blog… and not overthinking my YT “channel”.

Tea and Thoughts | August 2017

It is almost mid August.  It is hot, humid, and rains almost every day.  It’s okay though, I don’t feel as though I mind too much this year.  I am too busy working on myself and trying to avoid depression and “the dread” to notice or overly care.

I have been doing a lot of thinking and reflecting (nothing really unusual for me).  I have also found some new inspiration which is a welcome surprise.  I feel as though I am finally pushing to be my “best-self”.  I managed to find myself some gainful employment (in the last month) which was a HUGE goal that I still cannot believe that I accomplished. This has and is allowing me to get back to a routine – a Monday to Friday routine no less – just what I wanted.  I have come to realize just how important a routine is for me.  I need a solid routine to keep myself busy and grounded.  I have rewarded myself with a new tea/coffee mug from Wal Mart, a $20 haircut at First Choice and re-subsribing to ipsy.  I have also promised myself a subscription to FabFitFun if I can pay off some debts in the next 4-6 weeks.  Slowly, oh so slowly, but surely, I am starting to feel like I am actually putting myself back together.

I forgot about how great it feels to have a job.  I never knew how it felt to obtain a job I really and truly enjoy.  I have had a few rough anxious-night-before’s that first week but *so far* no puking before I leave which is amazing.  Finally, I do not feel so stressed in my life, relationship, or job that I hurl in times of uncomfortableness.  It’s hard to look back to just a few short years ago and realize that though I knew what I wanted, I was still selling myself short and letting myself down in ALL the aforementioned aspects of life (life, love, work).  I can now clearly see how lost, sad and heartbroken I have been.  And I can also see that I deserve to feel found, be happy and accept the love that is helping to mend my broken heart.

It isn’t all flowers and sunshine.  That is for sure.  Since starting my job I have lost over 10 pounds, allowing my weight to dip to 99 pounds, the lowest I have been since EVER.  It is part control and part lack of appetite due to the heat, a new routine, new goals, and the obstacles keeping me from achieving my goals.  I scared myself when I saw those digits on the scale.  My high school self would have been elated to reach that weight.  My adult self fought off “the dread”.  I have since been actively trying to eat more and have been able to get back up to 104 pounds which, for now, is a huge relief.  I know I am going to have to watch myself and make an effort to continue to eat regularly.  I have been keeping a list of things I know I like and will eat and I plan to hit our local grocery store as soon as I get paid (not that we don’t have food.  We do.  I can just be picky when I have to eat around my anxiety).  My current faves include:

  • Taste of Thai’s peanut noodles
  • Peanut butter Cliff bars … Huh. I see a theme here…
  • Lemon Pepper Tuna + rice cracker snack pack
  • Plain Rice Crackers
  • Twinnings English Breakfast Tea
  • McCafe Coffee

and as always, iced tea.  On the upside my stomach feels pretty good lately, even though I am eating in a certain way because of anxiety.  I am less gassy, I feel less nauseous, I don’t find myself worrying about finding a bathroom though out the day, and I don’t feel slow or sluggish (until 10pm when I am usually quite literally exhausted).

I have even been going as far as thinking about/planning to start an exercise regime of sorts.  I like to run and I have not run in a long time.  Come fall (and cooler temps) I am thinking of trying to run again.  I would also like to get into pilates and yoga again.  I have my yoga matt sitting purposely in a spot where I literally wake up and see it, I really need to start using it.  I feel that both activities would not only help me feel physically better and improve my stamina but also allow me time to think and decompress.  Also, it’s a great alternative to smoking which, admittedly I do enjoy but should do less of.

What I really want more then anything (aside from sound mental health of course) is our own place.  The thing that inspired me the most to work again was the desire to move.  And the realization that without me working that us moving will just take longer.  Too long.  I feel that once we can secure our own space that we can call ours and that I can feel completely at home in that I will finally feel at ease.  I miss my things, my coffee table, my cups, my record player….Oh how I miss my record player.  All with me but in storage right now.  Being that my love and I are sharing one small room I had to leave a lot in storage (in the attic).  I try to remind myself that this is temporary and it will all be okay but the reality is that we might be here awhile.  Longer then expected.  It is what it is I suppose.  I tried to go home and that did not work for me at all.  So here I am and here I will stay, for now anyways.

I haven’t been to therapy in months now.  Life just kept happening and I have had to cancel a lot of recent appointments.  I have an upcoming appointment that I am both looking forward to and dreading.  I look forward to catching my therapist up on my last few months adventures and such but I can’t help but feel that little twinge of dread.  The dread that asks “do I really still need this therapy?”.  Since the beginning of my therapy journey my main concern has been being mentally healthy enough to find and keep employment.  Now that I am getting there/am there I wonder how much longer I will keep up with these therapy sessions?  I don’t want to quit before I am finished but at the same time I don’t want to reprocess memories if I don’t have to.  Some still need to be reprocessed- no doubt about it – but I feel like a nice chunk does not.  Only time will tell I suppose but I do have a feeling that therapy may not be a part of my New Year/2018.

For the first time in a very long time I am starting to feel content in myself.  I am learning and have learned to trust myself, my decisions, and my goals.  I am realizing my worth, if to no one else but myself.  I am worth everything that I want for myself.  I deserve to feel loved and safe.  I do not deserve to put myself down, second guess myself or tell myself that I am not worth it.  I have done that for enough of my life now.  I also refuse to tolerate anyone who puts me down, makes me feel bad about myself, or tries to attack things that I cannot control (i.e. anxiety & depression).  I don’t need anybodies help to feel bad about myself, I have an easy enough time doing that all on my own and I am trying to break that cycle thankyouverymuch.

So there it is.  I have drank my tea and I am at the end of my thoughts for now.

June 12, 2017

It is finally hot.

I already have sunburn in some places.  I actually have a really funny chest-tan line going on, I thought it would be a good idea to wear a strapless bikini top for optimal shoulder-tanning.  Unknown to me it was a little off-centre and now I have a funny, crooked line right above my boobs.  Luckily I did put on sunscreen but I was lazy with the re-application-aside from my face- and now I suffer the consequence.

I got a little confident last week and actually applied for a job.  A job I really want, with a company I love and actually have worked for before in the past.  I actually got a response back within a few days and I was hoping to hear about an interview as early as this week.  I felt really good about myself, life, and the future when I thought I was on track to getting the job.  Now it has been a few days since I have heard anything and thought I keep telling myself “it is only Monday”, I can’t help but worry that either I or my resume or BOTH are off-putting.  This is probably not the case but I tend to jump to conclusions surrounding my insecurities pretty quickly.  I also really really really want this job.  It sounds like it could potentially be my dream job.  Not to mention the doors it would open for me if I did and could get back to working again.  I need to make money.  I need things.  I need to be able to provide for myself and currently I can’t say as though I am able to do that.

I want a newer car.  I never wanted to drive a van but I have been and I am making the best out of it but thinking of driving it through another [Canadian] Winter makes me cringe.  I desperately want us to get an apartment.  I don’t feel as though I will feel fully comfortable and at-home until I/we can get into our own place.  I need my own kitchen, bathroom, living room and I want the control that paying for your own place brings.  I crave the independence and the freedom.  I worry that if I cannot find gainful employment that things could get really bad for me [mentally] in the next 6-12 months.

I have been feeling the desire to go home on and off for a few months now.  I was fine the first month, perhaps it was the high of moving that got me through that first month because in the months following I have become more and more depressed.  I find myself napping to escape the tears.  I miss my mom.  She drives me nuts sometimes but I miss her company, humour, and conversation.  I miss that feeling of being home.  If I think about it too much it makes me cry.

I actually have gone as far as to move a few things back over to my moms house with the intent of potentially staying there in the future.  If the anxiety gets really bad I may need to go back for awhile.  Heck, even without the anxiety I might need to go back.  I am getting tired.  Tired of feeling invisible and lonely.  Tired of days filled with nothing and nights filled hoping to avoid anxiety or sadness.  I feel like I was once first on the list and now I feel like I am almost last.  I am grateful for my cat, Marble, because she is such a sweet baby.  She stays with me when I can’t get out of bed, she makes me laugh at times when I didn’t know I could, she listens and never judges.

I have Therapy tomorrow.  I am kind of glad for that because I need to talk to someone, who better then my therapist? As always I am promising myself a Starbucks treat but so far I have not stopped since before Christmas, I remember because I have gift cards FROM CHRISTMAS that I still have not used.  Let’s see if tomorrow is any different then the last couple of months…

I also have my Nano Brow appointment this week.  I am pretty excited about it and I really hope to vlog it for my YouTube Channel.  From what I have read there are only 10 locations in Canada that do Nano Brows and my Eyebrow girl is one of those 10.  Nano Brow is more like a tattoo then the Microblading, the ink is deposited deeper under the skin than it is with Microblading and it is said to last up to 5 years.  Yes please.

What takes away from my excitement is the drive to get there.  It’s worth the drive but it does take me over an hour to get there, over 2 hours round trip.  Not my most favourite of commutes but I have done it many times now, I know I will be fine, and I will be so happy when I leave I won’t even care about the drive.

I look forward to Friday.  Therapy will be done [till my next appointment], my new brows will be healing, perhaps I will have heard some word regarding that job I really want.  I have even promised myself a big treat such as a new haircut if I am lucky enough to snag an interview.

Who knows.  I sure don’t.  I can only hope, and try to think positive thoughts.  Breathe.  I will be okay.

April 24, 2017

Monday.

Monday.

Can’t trust that day.

In Monday’s defence, I have been in a terrible mood since yesterday morning, possibly even as far back as Saturday, I cannot remember.  Ugh. I knew it was coming.  I usually tend to de-fragmentate a few days in not 24 hours after therapy so making it until the end of the week is epic, it feels epic.  I just hate being back to I-hate-myself-and-everything-and-every-decision-I-ever-made mood.  I hate it.  I don’t even like being in my own brain when it’s like this.

I am sad because in even though I am moving forward I feel stuck.  I am currently stuck in my financial situation.  I am currently stuck in my housing situation. And for now, today, I feel as though I can’t do much about it [right this literal second].

I do have future plans/goals to pursue school (AGAIN!), and I hope that this ’round of college serves me better then the 2 rounds I already ran.  I am so worried about this ending up like those other times but at the same time I feel inner relief when I think about the courses I am looking to take.  This time it really feels like me.  I am choosing my path.  Not my mom, not my anxiety, not my million-and-one what if’s? It’s all me.  And if all else fails at least I am gaining my way back into society and I am learning new skills.  I like to learn and I feel I am yearning to learn, to learn a way out of the life I thought I was doomed to.

Today was a lovely sunny day and I spent most if it in bed, in track pants, not wanting to deal with the world. At all.  I managed to re-schedule a dental appointment so that was a win.  I don’t go until October now.  I am sure I will regret that come October but today I am pretty a-ok with it.  I try to keep ontop of my 6-month dental checkups but the dentist stresses me out BIG TIME.  Every couple of years (and good checkups) I let myself skip an appointment or 2 just so I don’t worry about the dentist.  Strange too because I have pretty average dental hygiene (not super-fantastic but not horrible either) and I have not had a cavity in well over 2 years now, I should not be worried.  But I always do.

I had a mid-afternoon nap.  HUGE MISTAKE. I woke up so cranky and anxious I was literally nauseated.  My love had a baseball practice I did [in theory] want to attend so I popped an ativan, got dressed, and off we went.  Again. MISTAKE.  I felt so out of it all the way to the field plus I felt angry, angry over things I have no control over right now.  I should have stayed home and had a bad or continued to nap but that is not what I did.  We got to the field and what was previously a pretty lovely day had turned into a pretty though VERY CHILLY evening.  I was dressed pretty well and I immediately knew I was screwed for warmth.  I had decided 2 innings into the practice that I was going to go sit in my van.  At least it would be warm there.

Who knows how many innings later and  I am still standing outside, fracking freezing. One of the guys lady friends came out late and being that we were the only 2 non-players we got to chatting and joking and I seemed to momentarily forget my horrid mood.  She was so funny and just kept me laughing that by the end of the game I had almost completely forgotten about my mood.  I have never met her before nor did I get her name but I liked her and I hope to see her at the games over the summer.  She has a great sense of humour which is top notch in my books.  I could use a baseball-watching friend.

Now it is almost 11, my kitty is laying beside me, I have had a few shots [of Disorronno – one of the ONLY things I will drink], I’ve got some warm comfies on and I feel better.  I don’t know what tomorrow morning will hold but for now I feel better.  I don’t feel so stressed or sad.  It’s still there, I am just not feeling it so much.  Tomorrow is a fresh day, a new start- might even be the day I actually APPLY for school *pretty please with a cherry on top*.

I don’t know what going to school will do to my future but I am too afraid to find out what not going will do so I know I want to go.  I need to try.

Well.  I have hit that wall of tired and I must crawl into my bed with my love and our fur baby.  I must think positive thoughts and stop dwelling on the past.  The past is long gone and the future is fairly near, and the future is in my hands now.  It’s up to me to put in the work to reap the reward.  Literally and metaphorically speaking.

Until we meet again my friends,

Take care & STaY GRooVY ❤

April 22, 2017

I woke up in a terrible mood this morning.  I felt fantastic yesterday.  I had hoped that perhaps I could avoid falling into the pit of depression, anxiety, and defragmentation but it happened again.

I have been grouchy all day.  My poor boyfriend being the sole receiver of my nasty mood.  We went for a walk and I wanted to go to Shoppers, as usual.  We did and that perfume I wanted is indeed on sale, I went over to it and picked up a box but put it back because I really could’t afford that $20.00 this morning.  That saddened me.  I felt like I was getting paid this week but payday is not until next week- I knew that, I just had some illusion I had more money then I really do.

Coffee was on sale at Shoppers which almost boost my blue mood until nowhere could I see the McCafe Coffee that I like.  That just made me more sad.  I was obtaining nothing on my list(s).  I ended up buying 2 packs of mini-eggs (because I’m addicted) and one cookies and cream chocolate bar.  The chocolate bar I promptly opened and scarfed down like my inner chunky self.  I get down and I lose my appetite but CLEARLY I still have an appetite for chocolate.

The sun was out and chocolate was on my breath.  I should be in a much better mood.  We walked along the Canal and over the West St. bridge into [the crappy part of] town.  Cute houses (with potential) but kind of a depressing area.  That did not really help my mood.  I was also getting hot in my Uggs and winter coat I thought I needed when we first left the house.

Upon coming home we stopped at the grocery store where I found both the coffee I like and the tea I like and I picked up both.  Neither were on sale (which I hate!) but I could not risk running out.  No, no, no.  As soon as we got in I promptly made myself a delicious coffee.  It has been a few hours now and I am still working on it… it’s a little cold but that’s ok.

Marble doesn’t seem to be feeling well this evening.  She has thrown up twice – no signs of anything super unusual for cat throw up though.  I have promised myself I will not panic unless she is still like this by Monday.  This has happened before and I literally panicked because my cat puked a few times.  She isn’t being herself but she isn’t as miserable as I have seen her.  I will feel a million times better when she snaps back to her normal tuna-lovin’ self.  I hate when my fur baby isn’t feeling good.

I have no idea what to do with myself tonight.  I am fighting an easily-annoyed mood I can feel coming on.  Oh yes and I am doing laundry.  Trying to keep up with it and make sure I don’t end up with a mountain of dirty laundry and no clean undies.  It has happened all too many times before.  I’d like to go for another walk, the sun is out and it’s a nice evening.  We will see.  I will see how I feel after dinner, if I even eat dinner.

*****

It’s been a few hours.  I had french onion soup for dinner and a taste of chicken parm. My Marbie still isn’t feeling herself but she has been up and about and making eye contact so that is an improvement.  She is sleeping on my boyfriend’s mom’s bed now.  I am almost finished laundry and I have come to the conclusion that 2 coffees is too many for me in one day.  I may have mentioned or hypothesized this before but now I know, it’s too much caffeine. That combined with my mixed-emotions state of mind is making me feel anxious.

I am not unhappy here [where I am living] but I am not as happy as I thought I would be.  I am struggling less then I thought with anxiety then I thought but at the same time the “I don’t know how long I can do this” feeling has started.  I will see how summer goes and if any improvement is made.

Oh! I totally forgot – I started a Snapchat thing.  I have no idea what I am doing or even how to work Snap at all so ya, good luck me.  I am pretty sure I set my name to idreaminvintage if your are interested.  I am still super lost but I figured out how to put up a profile pic so that’s a start.

I think that’s all I’ve got for today.

I am going to be super lazy on this crisp, Saturday eve.

I hope to be in a better mood tomorrow.

I also hope again for sunshine and some double digit temps.

Goodnight.

April 21, 2017

Today was an extremely dull, grey, and cold day.  It looked like it could rain almost all day save for that 5 minutes the sun tried to peek out.

I woke up around 9am this morning and shortly after feeding Marble her Tuna I went back to bed and slept until after 11am.  I try not to make a habit out of going back to bed like that but I could tell by the weather this morning that it was going to be a boring day.  Everybody else was still sleeping, even the cat.

Eventually Joel and I got up and I made myself a delish McCafe coffee in the fancy-shmancy Tassimo (LOVE that thing!).  I think I actually had 2 coffees today in attempt to stay awake which is risky.  Sometimes too much caffeine is not kind to me, it makes me too edgy which can lead me to anxiety.  That happened the other day so yesterday I tried to steer clear of coffee all day.  So far so good today…. Oh wait. I lied.  I felt a little funky earlier this evening and I took an ativan just to be safe.  So far, since moving, I have been lucky to escape any [major] panic or anxiety attacks.  I have had a few [minor] episodes, there have been a few nights that I could not stop crying, and I have thrown up once but all in all it has not been the nightmare I originally thought it was going to be [mentally].

I can’t believe that May 1st marks 2 months of being moved out of my mom’s house.  It feels good.  I am having more good days then bad (lately anyways).  Since my therapy appointment this week I have been feeling pretty good too so that’s a plus.  I usually feel pretty good after therapy but usually by the time I go back in 2 weeks I am falling apart again.

Oh my manta – how could I forget the most exciting thing I have done all day?!

I – in theory – applied for school tonite.  I still have to pay for my application to be submitted but I filled out my info and I have it all ready to go.  I might have to wait until payday but at least it is done and ready.  I am applying for 2 different programs because after some thought and consideration I am torn between 2.  Both are 2 year programs, one with the option to do a 3rd year and obtain a diploma or certificate in Public Relations ( I can’t remember which).  I am leaning towards the program that will allow me to come back for PR even though that adds another year bringing the total to 3 years of school.  I feel like I like the job prospects better then the other program I first thought I was interested in.  I still need to overthink it for a week until I get paid but whatcanyoudo?

Joel and I have been going on nightly walks to 7Eleven lately.  We went last night around midnight and bought one Pepsi slushy to share.  It was a chilly walk but I enjoyed it and I really wanted a Pepsi slush.  I felt not-so-hot last night and I think it could have been mild indigestion or heartburn or just me being over paranoid about feeling sick, I am not really sure, but I knew I needed a Pepsi slush.  I crawled right into bed and under the heating blanket.  A few nights before last we went to 7Eleven around the same time for a Dr. Pepper Slush and a few Taquitos that we shared on the walk home.  I so enjoy these little walks.  We have been walking a lot and I feel like it helps me to feel better.  We probably aren’t going tonite because it is cold and we have spent enough money on snacks and slushies this week.

I have been trying to wash my hair less.  It is getting long again and I am starting to hate washing it.  It turns into such a chore.  Tonite was wash-nite.  It is the second wash night now that I did NOT use my blow dryer, I am letting my hair dry naturally, something I usually avoid doing.  I avoid it for 2 reasons: I hate wet hair on the back of my neck and I like to style my fringe area a certain way.  I am trying to just deal with the wet hair and I am creatively using clips to make my fringe dry the right way.

I am getting tired.  It almost midnight now.  I also feel snacky.  Oh and I meant to make a cup of tea when I started this.  Oh well.  Perhaps one more cigarette and then off to bed for me.  I am really hoping for some sunshine tomorrow and a nice, long, walk.  Oh and I want to go to Shoppers Drug Mart because there is a perfume I might want on sale for $19.99.

Ok I am starting to babble.

I’m done.

Welcome to my Journal.

Let’s see what the next chapter of life has in store for me.