Tag: depressed

I don’t know what I was thinking

I don’t know what I was thinking.

I thought that I missed my home.  But home has changed, nothing is how it was.  This is not what I wanted nor expected.

I was so excited to come stay here again.  I thought I missed some slice of comfort that I can now see is long gone.

I hate living without my love.  Life just is not the same without him in it.  I can’t wait to see him in a few days.  Quite honestly, it’s the only thing holding me together right now.

I cried all day and all night the first few days I was here.  I think I may have missed the “idea” of “home” and some MAJOR alone time but the reality does not feel as good as the idea initially did.

Part of me wants to be here, I miss my mom and I wanted to take advantage of spending some time with her.  But she too, is different.  Which is fine, that’s life, people change, I am just not used to this new mom I am experiencing.  But then again, maybe it’s me.  I have been actively doing this EMDR Therapy for over a year now and I am just now realizing as I am typing this; it’s not home or mom that has changed, it’s me.  I have changed and I now know that I cannot flourish in this environment.  Too bad it took me bringing back 2 and a half van loads of stuff and partially setting myself up a room to realize that.

I am so grateful that I can see this change and make the decisions I need to make for me. Which is what I thought I was doing, but I was wrong. Oh so very wrong.

I feel like my younger-selves had too much control of the the bus for a few weeks there.  They steered me in a direction that, sure, 10 years ago may have been a solid option, but here, today, in 2017 I am not so sure that this is the right way for my life-bus to be driving.  Now that I am back [home] I see how much better I was getting away.  I mistook (my own personal) anger and confusion as a sign that I need to go and completely dismissed that I am in therapy and that my disassociate tendencies have been playing tricks on me.

I am not the same person I was 3 years ago and I may never be the same.  The need to accept that.  I can’t go back.  I can’t get the years and all the mistakes back.  I can’t right all my wrongs and I need to stop trying to fit myself into who I think I am or who I was.  I am who I am and that is okay.  My heart wants something different now.  I know that there may be a lot of mom lectures in my near future but I need to remember what I want and that I need to stay true to myself now.  I am a full fledged adult.  I hope she realizes I am trying to do what is best for me and it’s okay if she disagrees.  It’s not her call to make anymore.

I feel like a lunatic.  I thought this is what I wanted and as soon as I got here my heart sank.  I tried desperately to not led the dread set in but it indeed bombarded me like a punch to the face.  I love him and I don’t want to live over a half hour away.  I don’t sleep the same without him next to me, I don’t feel like myself, and I have next to no appetite.  I thought living separately was just what I needed.  I don’t really know what I was thinking.  I isolate myself more here.  I get agitated faster here.  I am more prone to anxiety here.  There’s too many damn cats here.  I can’t go anywhere because there is no where to walk to, I am too low on gas to get to town [unnecessarily] and I don’t know what I would go to town for right now anyways.

A few more days.  I have already promised myself  to take myself and my cat back for at least the weekend this coming Friday.  I am so excited for Friday I don’t even know if I will sleep the night before.  I have already started pre-packing.

I just want to go back.  I can’t wait to go back.  I need to go back.

June 12, 2017

It is finally hot.

I already have sunburn in some places.  I actually have a really funny chest-tan line going on, I thought it would be a good idea to wear a strapless bikini top for optimal shoulder-tanning.  Unknown to me it was a little off-centre and now I have a funny, crooked line right above my boobs.  Luckily I did put on sunscreen but I was lazy with the re-application-aside from my face- and now I suffer the consequence.

I got a little confident last week and actually applied for a job.  A job I really want, with a company I love and actually have worked for before in the past.  I actually got a response back within a few days and I was hoping to hear about an interview as early as this week.  I felt really good about myself, life, and the future when I thought I was on track to getting the job.  Now it has been a few days since I have heard anything and thought I keep telling myself “it is only Monday”, I can’t help but worry that either I or my resume or BOTH are off-putting.  This is probably not the case but I tend to jump to conclusions surrounding my insecurities pretty quickly.  I also really really really want this job.  It sounds like it could potentially be my dream job.  Not to mention the doors it would open for me if I did and could get back to working again.  I need to make money.  I need things.  I need to be able to provide for myself and currently I can’t say as though I am able to do that.

I want a newer car.  I never wanted to drive a van but I have been and I am making the best out of it but thinking of driving it through another [Canadian] Winter makes me cringe.  I desperately want us to get an apartment.  I don’t feel as though I will feel fully comfortable and at-home until I/we can get into our own place.  I need my own kitchen, bathroom, living room and I want the control that paying for your own place brings.  I crave the independence and the freedom.  I worry that if I cannot find gainful employment that things could get really bad for me [mentally] in the next 6-12 months.

I have been feeling the desire to go home on and off for a few months now.  I was fine the first month, perhaps it was the high of moving that got me through that first month because in the months following I have become more and more depressed.  I find myself napping to escape the tears.  I miss my mom.  She drives me nuts sometimes but I miss her company, humour, and conversation.  I miss that feeling of being home.  If I think about it too much it makes me cry.

I actually have gone as far as to move a few things back over to my moms house with the intent of potentially staying there in the future.  If the anxiety gets really bad I may need to go back for awhile.  Heck, even without the anxiety I might need to go back.  I am getting tired.  Tired of feeling invisible and lonely.  Tired of days filled with nothing and nights filled hoping to avoid anxiety or sadness.  I feel like I was once first on the list and now I feel like I am almost last.  I am grateful for my cat, Marble, because she is such a sweet baby.  She stays with me when I can’t get out of bed, she makes me laugh at times when I didn’t know I could, she listens and never judges.

I have Therapy tomorrow.  I am kind of glad for that because I need to talk to someone, who better then my therapist? As always I am promising myself a Starbucks treat but so far I have not stopped since before Christmas, I remember because I have gift cards FROM CHRISTMAS that I still have not used.  Let’s see if tomorrow is any different then the last couple of months…

I also have my Nano Brow appointment this week.  I am pretty excited about it and I really hope to vlog it for my YouTube Channel.  From what I have read there are only 10 locations in Canada that do Nano Brows and my Eyebrow girl is one of those 10.  Nano Brow is more like a tattoo then the Microblading, the ink is deposited deeper under the skin than it is with Microblading and it is said to last up to 5 years.  Yes please.

What takes away from my excitement is the drive to get there.  It’s worth the drive but it does take me over an hour to get there, over 2 hours round trip.  Not my most favourite of commutes but I have done it many times now, I know I will be fine, and I will be so happy when I leave I won’t even care about the drive.

I look forward to Friday.  Therapy will be done [till my next appointment], my new brows will be healing, perhaps I will have heard some word regarding that job I really want.  I have even promised myself a big treat such as a new haircut if I am lucky enough to snag an interview.

Who knows.  I sure don’t.  I can only hope, and try to think positive thoughts.  Breathe.  I will be okay.