The end of an era…

It could very well be the end of an era in my life.

I am changing and clearly so are my interests and hobbies.  One particular interest and hobby has been on the back burner for months now and it has recently occurred to me that I may just not be all that into it anymore.  Feels strange but sadly, is true.

I am referring to my dear old friend YouTube.  I have blogged about this in the past as I do recall my interest beginning to fade some time ago, but then it returned for a short time.  These days it seems as though my desire to even go on Youtube has severely dwindled.

I found YouTube at a time in my life when I was very lonely and in search of some, or any connection to people… Nice people… I found Kandee Johnson who immediately became my new role model.  I watched her videos day and in day out, I often stayed up all night watching tutorials and reading her blog(s).  It wasn’t long before I decided I too wanted to join the “broadcast yourself” party.  I started my channel and have since made over 100 videos.

It took me more time, energy, money, tears and frustration then I could have ever imagined to produce, edit, and upload videos.  And out of all the things I quit in my life, for some reason I refused to quit this.  I have learned and immense amount over the past 5+ years and for that I am grateful.  I have also met and conversed with a lot of amazing people which is magic in itself.  YouTube was there when no one else was.  When I was depressed, lonely, and not sleeping, YouTube was my friend.  No matter what time of day or what time of year I could sign in and see my online friends.  I could escape my own reality 4-10 minutes at a time.

There was also a point in my life where I really felt I had something to offer the YouTube community.  I had knowledge and things I wanted to share.  These days I do not feel as though I have much to offer the YT community nor do I care to share.

I have always loved to write and type.  I don’t so much love seeing myself and hearing my voice with video.  It gives me too much of an oppurtunity to pick myself apart.  I have however discovered that photography (and blogging) not only interests me more but makes me feel better then seeing myself and hearing myself.

I am still kind of lonely, depressed, and in search of human connection but I don’t feel the insatiable pull to YT that I once did.  I am behind in my subscriptions and have been for months now.  I have my own videos waiting to be edited but I just can’t be bothered to edit them.  I have comments on my channel that I am lazy to respond to (sorry guys!).  I am sad that my heart is no longer into filming, editing, uploading and watching but it is what it is.

It is the end of an era, but perhaps it is also the birth of a new one.  One where I live in the moment and stop picking myself apart.  One where I love myself enough to put myself and my feelings first.  YT is a wonderful platform and will always have a place in my heart but I feel now more then ever that it is not for me.  I respect and appreciate my fellow subscribers and channel owners as you were there for me when I needed you most.  But for now I must go, take a break, have a breather.

For now all of my videos have been privatized so that only I may view them.  Oddly enough I actually pre-wrote this blog months ago and the recent hubbub surrounding YT has only solidified my feelings.  Sometimes I feel like whipping out my camera and starting again but most times I decide not to.  That may change in the coming months, who knows? One day I just may jump start ye-ole channel but today is not that day.

Today I work on my blog… and not overthinking my YT “channel”.

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For the first time in 12 years ….

For the first time in 12 years I am piercing-free.  In my face.  I still have a few in my ears, one in my navel and one in my right nipple.

I am not exactly sure what happened.  I was not planning on removing any piercings.  I actually just wanted to change my nose studs.  In changing my (double) nose piercing I suddenly found myself missing my face, sans jewelry.  So out of curiosity I decided (today) to remove my double nose studs, the last of my facial piercings.

I used to have my upper lip pierced a la monroe/madonna piercing, my labret, my tongue, and the double nose studs.  And today, about 12 years after my first facial piercing I took out the 2 that remained.

I have missed my non-pierced face… a little.  It is a treat to wash my face without any jewellery in it.  So smooth.  Not to mention blowing my always-running nose is a little nicer.

I have found over the years that I have been less and less satisfied with the placement of one out of the 2 holes.  To the point that I actually do regret getting it.  Secondly, I have had a hard time finding jewellery that I both love and trust enough to put in my face.  I want it to be pretty but I also want it to be a safe material resting in my skin.  Ultimately curiosity got the cat and I was just curious as to how I would look without my nostril pierced.  I think I like it.  I can’t promise I won’t add something new at some point in the not so distant future but I am kinda digging my naked nose.

I still love piercings and the world of piercing itself.  I have just come to realize that for me personally, I used my piercings as a coping mechanism.  I hid behind them in a way.  They served their purpose and that is great but as I am changing so is my preference for certain things as well as possibly even my style.

I have found a new (to me) style that I find myself gravitating towards.  I don’t know what one would call it per sae but I am diggin’ it.  My latest style role model is Stella Lugosi (find her on insta @stella.lugosi).  I love her high bun, her lovely brows, and her overall look.  I love the single septum piercing.  I am seriously considering getting one… as soon as I muster up the courage to do so…. and I am feeling really good and excited about it, about me, evolving yet again, into the me that I am most comfortable being.  When I look at Stella’s pictures not only do I appreciate and admire her beauty but I get a very comforting feeling.

*sips tea*

I don’t really know what the future holds but I do know that I am/will learn to love myself and will put myself and my feelings first.  No more pretending to be okay with things I am not okay with.  No more sacrificing myself for others happiness.  I am starting to remember who I was, who I am, and who I want to be.  I lost myself before, I am not willing to loose myself again.  To be completely lost and not even know oneself anymore is a frightening and exhausting thing.  I am still lost but I am finally finding my way, and for the first time in my life I don’t want to stop.  I want to keep going.  To do better, to be better.  To be whole and happy within myself.

Tea and Thoughts | August 2017

It is almost mid August.  It is hot, humid, and rains almost every day.  It’s okay though, I don’t feel as though I mind too much this year.  I am too busy working on myself and trying to avoid depression and “the dread” to notice or overly care.

I have been doing a lot of thinking and reflecting (nothing really unusual for me).  I have also found some new inspiration which is a welcome surprise.  I feel as though I am finally pushing to be my “best-self”.  I managed to find myself some gainful employment (in the last month) which was a HUGE goal that I still cannot believe that I accomplished. This has and is allowing me to get back to a routine – a Monday to Friday routine no less – just what I wanted.  I have come to realize just how important a routine is for me.  I need a solid routine to keep myself busy and grounded.  I have rewarded myself with a new tea/coffee mug from Wal Mart, a $20 haircut at First Choice and re-subsribing to ipsy.  I have also promised myself a subscription to FabFitFun if I can pay off some debts in the next 4-6 weeks.  Slowly, oh so slowly, but surely, I am starting to feel like I am actually putting myself back together.

I forgot about how great it feels to have a job.  I never knew how it felt to obtain a job I really and truly enjoy.  I have had a few rough anxious-night-before’s that first week but *so far* no puking before I leave which is amazing.  Finally, I do not feel so stressed in my life, relationship, or job that I hurl in times of uncomfortableness.  It’s hard to look back to just a few short years ago and realize that though I knew what I wanted, I was still selling myself short and letting myself down in ALL the aforementioned aspects of life (life, love, work).  I can now clearly see how lost, sad and heartbroken I have been.  And I can also see that I deserve to feel found, be happy and accept the love that is helping to mend my broken heart.

It isn’t all flowers and sunshine.  That is for sure.  Since starting my job I have lost over 10 pounds, allowing my weight to dip to 99 pounds, the lowest I have been since EVER.  It is part control and part lack of appetite due to the heat, a new routine, new goals, and the obstacles keeping me from achieving my goals.  I scared myself when I saw those digits on the scale.  My high school self would have been elated to reach that weight.  My adult self fought off “the dread”.  I have since been actively trying to eat more and have been able to get back up to 104 pounds which, for now, is a huge relief.  I know I am going to have to watch myself and make an effort to continue to eat regularly.  I have been keeping a list of things I know I like and will eat and I plan to hit our local grocery store as soon as I get paid (not that we don’t have food.  We do.  I can just be picky when I have to eat around my anxiety).  My current faves include:

  • Taste of Thai’s peanut noodles
  • Peanut butter Cliff bars … Huh. I see a theme here…
  • Lemon Pepper Tuna + rice cracker snack pack
  • Plain Rice Crackers
  • Twinnings English Breakfast Tea
  • McCafe Coffee

and as always, iced tea.  On the upside my stomach feels pretty good lately, even though I am eating in a certain way because of anxiety.  I am less gassy, I feel less nauseous, I don’t find myself worrying about finding a bathroom though out the day, and I don’t feel slow or sluggish (until 10pm when I am usually quite literally exhausted).

I have even been going as far as thinking about/planning to start an exercise regime of sorts.  I like to run and I have not run in a long time.  Come fall (and cooler temps) I am thinking of trying to run again.  I would also like to get into pilates and yoga again.  I have my yoga matt sitting purposely in a spot where I literally wake up and see it, I really need to start using it.  I feel that both activities would not only help me feel physically better and improve my stamina but also allow me time to think and decompress.  Also, it’s a great alternative to smoking which, admittedly I do enjoy but should do less of.

What I really want more then anything (aside from sound mental health of course) is our own place.  The thing that inspired me the most to work again was the desire to move.  And the realization that without me working that us moving will just take longer.  Too long.  I feel that once we can secure our own space that we can call ours and that I can feel completely at home in that I will finally feel at ease.  I miss my things, my coffee table, my cups, my record player….Oh how I miss my record player.  All with me but in storage right now.  Being that my love and I are sharing one small room I had to leave a lot in storage (in the attic).  I try to remind myself that this is temporary and it will all be okay but the reality is that we might be here awhile.  Longer then expected.  It is what it is I suppose.  I tried to go home and that did not work for me at all.  So here I am and here I will stay, for now anyways.

I haven’t been to therapy in months now.  Life just kept happening and I have had to cancel a lot of recent appointments.  I have an upcoming appointment that I am both looking forward to and dreading.  I look forward to catching my therapist up on my last few months adventures and such but I can’t help but feel that little twinge of dread.  The dread that asks “do I really still need this therapy?”.  Since the beginning of my therapy journey my main concern has been being mentally healthy enough to find and keep employment.  Now that I am getting there/am there I wonder how much longer I will keep up with these therapy sessions?  I don’t want to quit before I am finished but at the same time I don’t want to reprocess memories if I don’t have to.  Some still need to be reprocessed- no doubt about it – but I feel like a nice chunk does not.  Only time will tell I suppose but I do have a feeling that therapy may not be a part of my New Year/2018.

For the first time in a very long time I am starting to feel content in myself.  I am learning and have learned to trust myself, my decisions, and my goals.  I am realizing my worth, if to no one else but myself.  I am worth everything that I want for myself.  I deserve to feel loved and safe.  I do not deserve to put myself down, second guess myself or tell myself that I am not worth it.  I have done that for enough of my life now.  I also refuse to tolerate anyone who puts me down, makes me feel bad about myself, or tries to attack things that I cannot control (i.e. anxiety & depression).  I don’t need anybodies help to feel bad about myself, I have an easy enough time doing that all on my own and I am trying to break that cycle thankyouverymuch.

So there it is.  I have drank my tea and I am at the end of my thoughts for now.

The Cat came back the very next Day …

I couldn’t wait till Friday.  I started pre-packing Wednesday and by Thursday morning I said the hell with waiting one more night.

I grabbed only what I thought I would need, including my cat, whom is MUCH HAPPIER here then where I used to live.  And so am I quite honestly.

That 4 days I spent at “home” really opened my eyes.  It has given me a whole new appreciation for the new town that I am staying in, my boyfriend, his family, and this whole “new and improved me” journey that I am on.

As soon as I made the decision to get outta there I felt better.  The more I packed into my van to bring back the better I felt.  Once I realized what I wanted to do it was like a landslide.  Inside of 4 hours I was ready to go.

I was back to my new home before 6pm.  It felt so good.  Better then I ever imagined.  I still don’t know what the hell I was thinking.  I am trying not to think about it but I can’t help myself.  I don’t really know where I got the notion that going home would be fun.  It was not and I don’t think I want to do that again.

I am dreading the lecture I am sure my mother will give me when I reveal that I am staying in my new home.  But she needs to understand that I need to do what I need to do to find my way.  I feel bad and sad that it did not work but what can you do? Stay there and be just as miserable as I remember being before? I can’t.

Being back in my old room reminded me too much of my past self.  The sadness, the emptiness, the anxiety.  I found it to be very triggering.  I had to take an ativan to sleep the first night I was there.  I could not take the lack of sunlight in that room either.  It was very depressing.  I found myself waking up at 10am thinking it was 5am instead of my usual 7-8am wake up time.  I just could not do it.  It is what it is.

I have spent my day cleaning and organizing and putting things away.  Trying to get things back to the way they were (minus the crap I am keeping at my moms for now).  I am trying to get rid of things I do not need or use.  I have just entirely too much crap that I keep lugging back and forth.  And that could quite possibly be a metaphor for my life right there.  I need to stop lugging the shit back and forth.  Enough is enough.

Today is a new day and this is a new chapter.  I need to stop feeling so stupid for my actions and behaviour the last few weeks, accept it, and move on.

April 22, 2017

I woke up in a terrible mood this morning.  I felt fantastic yesterday.  I had hoped that perhaps I could avoid falling into the pit of depression, anxiety, and defragmentation but it happened again.

I have been grouchy all day.  My poor boyfriend being the sole receiver of my nasty mood.  We went for a walk and I wanted to go to Shoppers, as usual.  We did and that perfume I wanted is indeed on sale, I went over to it and picked up a box but put it back because I really could’t afford that $20.00 this morning.  That saddened me.  I felt like I was getting paid this week but payday is not until next week- I knew that, I just had some illusion I had more money then I really do.

Coffee was on sale at Shoppers which almost boost my blue mood until nowhere could I see the McCafe Coffee that I like.  That just made me more sad.  I was obtaining nothing on my list(s).  I ended up buying 2 packs of mini-eggs (because I’m addicted) and one cookies and cream chocolate bar.  The chocolate bar I promptly opened and scarfed down like my inner chunky self.  I get down and I lose my appetite but CLEARLY I still have an appetite for chocolate.

The sun was out and chocolate was on my breath.  I should be in a much better mood.  We walked along the Canal and over the West St. bridge into [the crappy part of] town.  Cute houses (with potential) but kind of a depressing area.  That did not really help my mood.  I was also getting hot in my Uggs and winter coat I thought I needed when we first left the house.

Upon coming home we stopped at the grocery store where I found both the coffee I like and the tea I like and I picked up both.  Neither were on sale (which I hate!) but I could not risk running out.  No, no, no.  As soon as we got in I promptly made myself a delicious coffee.  It has been a few hours now and I am still working on it… it’s a little cold but that’s ok.

Marble doesn’t seem to be feeling well this evening.  She has thrown up twice – no signs of anything super unusual for cat throw up though.  I have promised myself I will not panic unless she is still like this by Monday.  This has happened before and I literally panicked because my cat puked a few times.  She isn’t being herself but she isn’t as miserable as I have seen her.  I will feel a million times better when she snaps back to her normal tuna-lovin’ self.  I hate when my fur baby isn’t feeling good.

I have no idea what to do with myself tonight.  I am fighting an easily-annoyed mood I can feel coming on.  Oh yes and I am doing laundry.  Trying to keep up with it and make sure I don’t end up with a mountain of dirty laundry and no clean undies.  It has happened all too many times before.  I’d like to go for another walk, the sun is out and it’s a nice evening.  We will see.  I will see how I feel after dinner, if I even eat dinner.

*****

It’s been a few hours.  I had french onion soup for dinner and a taste of chicken parm. My Marbie still isn’t feeling herself but she has been up and about and making eye contact so that is an improvement.  She is sleeping on my boyfriend’s mom’s bed now.  I am almost finished laundry and I have come to the conclusion that 2 coffees is too many for me in one day.  I may have mentioned or hypothesized this before but now I know, it’s too much caffeine. That combined with my mixed-emotions state of mind is making me feel anxious.

I am not unhappy here [where I am living] but I am not as happy as I thought I would be.  I am struggling less then I thought with anxiety then I thought but at the same time the “I don’t know how long I can do this” feeling has started.  I will see how summer goes and if any improvement is made.

Oh! I totally forgot – I started a Snapchat thing.  I have no idea what I am doing or even how to work Snap at all so ya, good luck me.  I am pretty sure I set my name to idreaminvintage if your are interested.  I am still super lost but I figured out how to put up a profile pic so that’s a start.

I think that’s all I’ve got for today.

I am going to be super lazy on this crisp, Saturday eve.

I hope to be in a better mood tomorrow.

I also hope again for sunshine and some double digit temps.

Goodnight.

April 21, 2017

Today was an extremely dull, grey, and cold day.  It looked like it could rain almost all day save for that 5 minutes the sun tried to peek out.

I woke up around 9am this morning and shortly after feeding Marble her Tuna I went back to bed and slept until after 11am.  I try not to make a habit out of going back to bed like that but I could tell by the weather this morning that it was going to be a boring day.  Everybody else was still sleeping, even the cat.

Eventually Joel and I got up and I made myself a delish McCafe coffee in the fancy-shmancy Tassimo (LOVE that thing!).  I think I actually had 2 coffees today in attempt to stay awake which is risky.  Sometimes too much caffeine is not kind to me, it makes me too edgy which can lead me to anxiety.  That happened the other day so yesterday I tried to steer clear of coffee all day.  So far so good today…. Oh wait. I lied.  I felt a little funky earlier this evening and I took an ativan just to be safe.  So far, since moving, I have been lucky to escape any [major] panic or anxiety attacks.  I have had a few [minor] episodes, there have been a few nights that I could not stop crying, and I have thrown up once but all in all it has not been the nightmare I originally thought it was going to be [mentally].

I can’t believe that May 1st marks 2 months of being moved out of my mom’s house.  It feels good.  I am having more good days then bad (lately anyways).  Since my therapy appointment this week I have been feeling pretty good too so that’s a plus.  I usually feel pretty good after therapy but usually by the time I go back in 2 weeks I am falling apart again.

Oh my manta – how could I forget the most exciting thing I have done all day?!

I – in theory – applied for school tonite.  I still have to pay for my application to be submitted but I filled out my info and I have it all ready to go.  I might have to wait until payday but at least it is done and ready.  I am applying for 2 different programs because after some thought and consideration I am torn between 2.  Both are 2 year programs, one with the option to do a 3rd year and obtain a diploma or certificate in Public Relations ( I can’t remember which).  I am leaning towards the program that will allow me to come back for PR even though that adds another year bringing the total to 3 years of school.  I feel like I like the job prospects better then the other program I first thought I was interested in.  I still need to overthink it for a week until I get paid but whatcanyoudo?

Joel and I have been going on nightly walks to 7Eleven lately.  We went last night around midnight and bought one Pepsi slushy to share.  It was a chilly walk but I enjoyed it and I really wanted a Pepsi slush.  I felt not-so-hot last night and I think it could have been mild indigestion or heartburn or just me being over paranoid about feeling sick, I am not really sure, but I knew I needed a Pepsi slush.  I crawled right into bed and under the heating blanket.  A few nights before last we went to 7Eleven around the same time for a Dr. Pepper Slush and a few Taquitos that we shared on the walk home.  I so enjoy these little walks.  We have been walking a lot and I feel like it helps me to feel better.  We probably aren’t going tonite because it is cold and we have spent enough money on snacks and slushies this week.

I have been trying to wash my hair less.  It is getting long again and I am starting to hate washing it.  It turns into such a chore.  Tonite was wash-nite.  It is the second wash night now that I did NOT use my blow dryer, I am letting my hair dry naturally, something I usually avoid doing.  I avoid it for 2 reasons: I hate wet hair on the back of my neck and I like to style my fringe area a certain way.  I am trying to just deal with the wet hair and I am creatively using clips to make my fringe dry the right way.

I am getting tired.  It almost midnight now.  I also feel snacky.  Oh and I meant to make a cup of tea when I started this.  Oh well.  Perhaps one more cigarette and then off to bed for me.  I am really hoping for some sunshine tomorrow and a nice, long, walk.  Oh and I want to go to Shoppers Drug Mart because there is a perfume I might want on sale for $19.99.

Ok I am starting to babble.

I’m done.

Welcome to my Journal.

Let’s see what the next chapter of life has in store for me.

A New and Different Beginning

For the first time in my life I feel as though I might actually be on the right track.  It has taken me a lot of time, therapy, tears, and frustration to get to this point.  I am starting over and it’s ok.  This time it will be different.

The more I proceed with my EMDR Therapy the more put-together I am feeling.  It is slow and sometimes I only feel put-together for a few hours or days before I am back to feeling all over the place but regardless, the feeling is there.  And it is a wonderful feeling.

When I am in this put-together state of mind I am easily able to do things and make decisions, I get excited about my future and I cannot wait to pursue it.  This is what is so new and different for me.  I have never really given the future much thought in the past, I just kind of acted on impulse, even at times when I thought that I wasn’t, I was.  For the first time, possibly ever, I am thinking about my future, who I want to be, and how to get there – and in a positive light no less.  I am so used to looking at everything with such a negative spin that to think and see my future in a positive way is so very refreshing, relieving, and new.

I know this feeling may not/will not last long.  I always hope it does and still I am always surprised to find myself back in a depressed and negative state of mind.  One day the positive me will stay [I am assured almost EVERY Therapy session] and my negative self will not be so prevalent.  I look forward to that day SO MUCH.  It’s part of what keeps me in therapy.  The other part is fear of becoming a very bitter and lonely person.  I was starting to go that way and let me tell you, it is NOT FUN.  For a long time I felt that I wanted to be alone and that I deserved to be bitter.  I had long accepted that this was to be my lot in life, to get more angry and sad as years went by.  I am happy to say that at 33 I am just realizing that it is NOT my lot in life to be alone, sad, bitter, and angry.  Not only is it not a good look on anybody, but it is a horribly miserable world to live in.  It is one full of self-loathing and destruction.

It has taken me my entire life to get here, to a place I did not even know could exist.  A place full of self-love, self-trust, happiness, safety, and positive self-reassurance.  I can almost taste the freedom of my new self, a self I never even knew I had.

I finally feel as though I am blooming, my new life is starting as it has gotten all too painful to remain closed tightly in a bud.  A bud that was created to keep me safe in times when I was so very unsafe, a bud that I thought I needed around me in order to avoid more heartbreak.  A bud that I am starting to no longer need or want.  That my friends is something so special, so new, so different then all the other times I thought I was on my way to mental-wellness.