Tag: blog

For the first time in 12 years ….

For the first time in 12 years I am piercing-free.  In my face.  I still have a few in my ears, one in my navel and one in my right nipple.

I am not exactly sure what happened.  I was not planning on removing any piercings.  I actually just wanted to change my nose studs.  In changing my (double) nose piercing I suddenly found myself missing my face, sans jewelry.  So out of curiosity I decided (today) to remove my double nose studs, the last of my facial piercings.

I used to have my upper lip pierced a la monroe/madonna piercing, my labret, my tongue, and the double nose studs.  And today, about 12 years after my first facial piercing I took out the 2 that remained.

I have missed my non-pierced face… a little.  It is a treat to wash my face without any jewellery in it.  So smooth.  Not to mention blowing my always-running nose is a little nicer.

I have found over the years that I have been less and less satisfied with the placement of one out of the 2 holes.  To the point that I actually do regret getting it.  Secondly, I have had a hard time finding jewellery that I both love and trust enough to put in my face.  I want it to be pretty but I also want it to be a safe material resting in my skin.  Ultimately curiosity got the cat and I was just curious as to how I would look without my nostril pierced.  I think I like it.  I can’t promise I won’t add something new at some point in the not so distant future but I am kinda digging my naked nose.

I still love piercings and the world of piercing itself.  I have just come to realize that for me personally, I used my piercings as a coping mechanism.  I hid behind them in a way.  They served their purpose and that is great but as I am changing so is my preference for certain things as well as possibly even my style.

I have found a new (to me) style that I find myself gravitating towards.  I don’t know what one would call it per sae but I am diggin’ it.  My latest style role model is Stella Lugosi (find her on insta @stella.lugosi).  I love her high bun, her lovely brows, and her overall look.  I love the single septum piercing.  I am seriously considering getting one… as soon as I muster up the courage to do so…. and I am feeling really good and excited about it, about me, evolving yet again, into the me that I am most comfortable being.  When I look at Stella’s pictures not only do I appreciate and admire her beauty but I get a very comforting feeling.

*sips tea*

I don’t really know what the future holds but I do know that I am/will learn to love myself and will put myself and my feelings first.  No more pretending to be okay with things I am not okay with.  No more sacrificing myself for others happiness.  I am starting to remember who I was, who I am, and who I want to be.  I lost myself before, I am not willing to loose myself again.  To be completely lost and not even know oneself anymore is a frightening and exhausting thing.  I am still lost but I am finally finding my way, and for the first time in my life I don’t want to stop.  I want to keep going.  To do better, to be better.  To be whole and happy within myself.

Tea and Thoughts | August 2017

It is almost mid August.  It is hot, humid, and rains almost every day.  It’s okay though, I don’t feel as though I mind too much this year.  I am too busy working on myself and trying to avoid depression and “the dread” to notice or overly care.

I have been doing a lot of thinking and reflecting (nothing really unusual for me).  I have also found some new inspiration which is a welcome surprise.  I feel as though I am finally pushing to be my “best-self”.  I managed to find myself some gainful employment (in the last month) which was a HUGE goal that I still cannot believe that I accomplished. This has and is allowing me to get back to a routine – a Monday to Friday routine no less – just what I wanted.  I have come to realize just how important a routine is for me.  I need a solid routine to keep myself busy and grounded.  I have rewarded myself with a new tea/coffee mug from Wal Mart, a $20 haircut at First Choice and re-subsribing to ipsy.  I have also promised myself a subscription to FabFitFun if I can pay off some debts in the next 4-6 weeks.  Slowly, oh so slowly, but surely, I am starting to feel like I am actually putting myself back together.

I forgot about how great it feels to have a job.  I never knew how it felt to obtain a job I really and truly enjoy.  I have had a few rough anxious-night-before’s that first week but *so far* no puking before I leave which is amazing.  Finally, I do not feel so stressed in my life, relationship, or job that I hurl in times of uncomfortableness.  It’s hard to look back to just a few short years ago and realize that though I knew what I wanted, I was still selling myself short and letting myself down in ALL the aforementioned aspects of life (life, love, work).  I can now clearly see how lost, sad and heartbroken I have been.  And I can also see that I deserve to feel found, be happy and accept the love that is helping to mend my broken heart.

It isn’t all flowers and sunshine.  That is for sure.  Since starting my job I have lost over 10 pounds, allowing my weight to dip to 99 pounds, the lowest I have been since EVER.  It is part control and part lack of appetite due to the heat, a new routine, new goals, and the obstacles keeping me from achieving my goals.  I scared myself when I saw those digits on the scale.  My high school self would have been elated to reach that weight.  My adult self fought off “the dread”.  I have since been actively trying to eat more and have been able to get back up to 104 pounds which, for now, is a huge relief.  I know I am going to have to watch myself and make an effort to continue to eat regularly.  I have been keeping a list of things I know I like and will eat and I plan to hit our local grocery store as soon as I get paid (not that we don’t have food.  We do.  I can just be picky when I have to eat around my anxiety).  My current faves include:

  • Taste of Thai’s peanut noodles
  • Peanut butter Cliff bars … Huh. I see a theme here…
  • Lemon Pepper Tuna + rice cracker snack pack
  • Plain Rice Crackers
  • Twinnings English Breakfast Tea
  • McCafe Coffee

and as always, iced tea.  On the upside my stomach feels pretty good lately, even though I am eating in a certain way because of anxiety.  I am less gassy, I feel less nauseous, I don’t find myself worrying about finding a bathroom though out the day, and I don’t feel slow or sluggish (until 10pm when I am usually quite literally exhausted).

I have even been going as far as thinking about/planning to start an exercise regime of sorts.  I like to run and I have not run in a long time.  Come fall (and cooler temps) I am thinking of trying to run again.  I would also like to get into pilates and yoga again.  I have my yoga matt sitting purposely in a spot where I literally wake up and see it, I really need to start using it.  I feel that both activities would not only help me feel physically better and improve my stamina but also allow me time to think and decompress.  Also, it’s a great alternative to smoking which, admittedly I do enjoy but should do less of.

What I really want more then anything (aside from sound mental health of course) is our own place.  The thing that inspired me the most to work again was the desire to move.  And the realization that without me working that us moving will just take longer.  Too long.  I feel that once we can secure our own space that we can call ours and that I can feel completely at home in that I will finally feel at ease.  I miss my things, my coffee table, my cups, my record player….Oh how I miss my record player.  All with me but in storage right now.  Being that my love and I are sharing one small room I had to leave a lot in storage (in the attic).  I try to remind myself that this is temporary and it will all be okay but the reality is that we might be here awhile.  Longer then expected.  It is what it is I suppose.  I tried to go home and that did not work for me at all.  So here I am and here I will stay, for now anyways.

I haven’t been to therapy in months now.  Life just kept happening and I have had to cancel a lot of recent appointments.  I have an upcoming appointment that I am both looking forward to and dreading.  I look forward to catching my therapist up on my last few months adventures and such but I can’t help but feel that little twinge of dread.  The dread that asks “do I really still need this therapy?”.  Since the beginning of my therapy journey my main concern has been being mentally healthy enough to find and keep employment.  Now that I am getting there/am there I wonder how much longer I will keep up with these therapy sessions?  I don’t want to quit before I am finished but at the same time I don’t want to reprocess memories if I don’t have to.  Some still need to be reprocessed- no doubt about it – but I feel like a nice chunk does not.  Only time will tell I suppose but I do have a feeling that therapy may not be a part of my New Year/2018.

For the first time in a very long time I am starting to feel content in myself.  I am learning and have learned to trust myself, my decisions, and my goals.  I am realizing my worth, if to no one else but myself.  I am worth everything that I want for myself.  I deserve to feel loved and safe.  I do not deserve to put myself down, second guess myself or tell myself that I am not worth it.  I have done that for enough of my life now.  I also refuse to tolerate anyone who puts me down, makes me feel bad about myself, or tries to attack things that I cannot control (i.e. anxiety & depression).  I don’t need anybodies help to feel bad about myself, I have an easy enough time doing that all on my own and I am trying to break that cycle thankyouverymuch.

So there it is.  I have drank my tea and I am at the end of my thoughts for now.

To My Dearest Followers

I wish to sincerely thank each and every one of you for following my blog.  Every new follow makes my day and I appreciate it so very much more then you can ever know or that I can ever thank you for.  You inspire me in so many ways. I hope that this is the beginning of a long and lovely friendship.

I must apologize for my occasional slowness in answering comments, each and every one touches my heart and again, I must thank you all for your kindness and acceptance.  I must also apologize for my occasional absence.  Sometimes my depression and anxiety keeps me from doing what I love and allows me to constantly question and judge myself. Fear not, I will always be back [unless otherwise stated].

I have so many blog post ideas and plans that it almost overwhelms me at times but I genuinely look forward to creating more.  And I plan on creating more.  The more EMDR I complete the more unified I feel and it makes me want to pursue and create a life I love.

I hope you are all here for the ride and I look forward to everything the future holds for us.

I wish you all the best and most positive vibes!

Take care of yourselves and as always, STaY GRooVY!

April 22, 2017

I woke up in a terrible mood this morning.  I felt fantastic yesterday.  I had hoped that perhaps I could avoid falling into the pit of depression, anxiety, and defragmentation but it happened again.

I have been grouchy all day.  My poor boyfriend being the sole receiver of my nasty mood.  We went for a walk and I wanted to go to Shoppers, as usual.  We did and that perfume I wanted is indeed on sale, I went over to it and picked up a box but put it back because I really could’t afford that $20.00 this morning.  That saddened me.  I felt like I was getting paid this week but payday is not until next week- I knew that, I just had some illusion I had more money then I really do.

Coffee was on sale at Shoppers which almost boost my blue mood until nowhere could I see the McCafe Coffee that I like.  That just made me more sad.  I was obtaining nothing on my list(s).  I ended up buying 2 packs of mini-eggs (because I’m addicted) and one cookies and cream chocolate bar.  The chocolate bar I promptly opened and scarfed down like my inner chunky self.  I get down and I lose my appetite but CLEARLY I still have an appetite for chocolate.

The sun was out and chocolate was on my breath.  I should be in a much better mood.  We walked along the Canal and over the West St. bridge into [the crappy part of] town.  Cute houses (with potential) but kind of a depressing area.  That did not really help my mood.  I was also getting hot in my Uggs and winter coat I thought I needed when we first left the house.

Upon coming home we stopped at the grocery store where I found both the coffee I like and the tea I like and I picked up both.  Neither were on sale (which I hate!) but I could not risk running out.  No, no, no.  As soon as we got in I promptly made myself a delicious coffee.  It has been a few hours now and I am still working on it… it’s a little cold but that’s ok.

Marble doesn’t seem to be feeling well this evening.  She has thrown up twice – no signs of anything super unusual for cat throw up though.  I have promised myself I will not panic unless she is still like this by Monday.  This has happened before and I literally panicked because my cat puked a few times.  She isn’t being herself but she isn’t as miserable as I have seen her.  I will feel a million times better when she snaps back to her normal tuna-lovin’ self.  I hate when my fur baby isn’t feeling good.

I have no idea what to do with myself tonight.  I am fighting an easily-annoyed mood I can feel coming on.  Oh yes and I am doing laundry.  Trying to keep up with it and make sure I don’t end up with a mountain of dirty laundry and no clean undies.  It has happened all too many times before.  I’d like to go for another walk, the sun is out and it’s a nice evening.  We will see.  I will see how I feel after dinner, if I even eat dinner.

*****

It’s been a few hours.  I had french onion soup for dinner and a taste of chicken parm. My Marbie still isn’t feeling herself but she has been up and about and making eye contact so that is an improvement.  She is sleeping on my boyfriend’s mom’s bed now.  I am almost finished laundry and I have come to the conclusion that 2 coffees is too many for me in one day.  I may have mentioned or hypothesized this before but now I know, it’s too much caffeine. That combined with my mixed-emotions state of mind is making me feel anxious.

I am not unhappy here [where I am living] but I am not as happy as I thought I would be.  I am struggling less then I thought with anxiety then I thought but at the same time the “I don’t know how long I can do this” feeling has started.  I will see how summer goes and if any improvement is made.

Oh! I totally forgot – I started a Snapchat thing.  I have no idea what I am doing or even how to work Snap at all so ya, good luck me.  I am pretty sure I set my name to idreaminvintage if your are interested.  I am still super lost but I figured out how to put up a profile pic so that’s a start.

I think that’s all I’ve got for today.

I am going to be super lazy on this crisp, Saturday eve.

I hope to be in a better mood tomorrow.

I also hope again for sunshine and some double digit temps.

Goodnight.

A New and Different Beginning

For the first time in my life I feel as though I might actually be on the right track.  It has taken me a lot of time, therapy, tears, and frustration to get to this point.  I am starting over and it’s ok.  This time it will be different.

The more I proceed with my EMDR Therapy the more put-together I am feeling.  It is slow and sometimes I only feel put-together for a few hours or days before I am back to feeling all over the place but regardless, the feeling is there.  And it is a wonderful feeling.

When I am in this put-together state of mind I am easily able to do things and make decisions, I get excited about my future and I cannot wait to pursue it.  This is what is so new and different for me.  I have never really given the future much thought in the past, I just kind of acted on impulse, even at times when I thought that I wasn’t, I was.  For the first time, possibly ever, I am thinking about my future, who I want to be, and how to get there – and in a positive light no less.  I am so used to looking at everything with such a negative spin that to think and see my future in a positive way is so very refreshing, relieving, and new.

I know this feeling may not/will not last long.  I always hope it does and still I am always surprised to find myself back in a depressed and negative state of mind.  One day the positive me will stay [I am assured almost EVERY Therapy session] and my negative self will not be so prevalent.  I look forward to that day SO MUCH.  It’s part of what keeps me in therapy.  The other part is fear of becoming a very bitter and lonely person.  I was starting to go that way and let me tell you, it is NOT FUN.  For a long time I felt that I wanted to be alone and that I deserved to be bitter.  I had long accepted that this was to be my lot in life, to get more angry and sad as years went by.  I am happy to say that at 33 I am just realizing that it is NOT my lot in life to be alone, sad, bitter, and angry.  Not only is it not a good look on anybody, but it is a horribly miserable world to live in.  It is one full of self-loathing and destruction.

It has taken me my entire life to get here, to a place I did not even know could exist.  A place full of self-love, self-trust, happiness, safety, and positive self-reassurance.  I can almost taste the freedom of my new self, a self I never even knew I had.

I finally feel as though I am blooming, my new life is starting as it has gotten all too painful to remain closed tightly in a bud.  A bud that was created to keep me safe in times when I was so very unsafe, a bud that I thought I needed around me in order to avoid more heartbreak.  A bud that I am starting to no longer need or want.  That my friends is something so special, so new, so different then all the other times I thought I was on my way to mental-wellness.

Therapeutic Blog Dribble

I feel that I have made my decision.

I will return to school.

Hopefully this coming September… I am now taking some time to weigh my choices and options and what the BEST choice and option is for ME to take.

I feel that this is a step in the right direction.  I need routine and reason back in my life and school would give me both of those things.  I need goals to work towards and I need to stay somewhat busy or [I find] I get bored and then begin to overthink everything and anything until I make myself crazy.  Though I am excited about the prospect of continuing my education I am trying not to overthink it.  I had to remind myself repeated times today that I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT, it’s up to me to provide the life that I want for myself and my family.  I need to stop worrying if I can and just try.  I am fearful of being the oldest person in my classes, lucky for me I look younger then my 33 years but still, I will know that I am older then most of my peers.

I want to be busy again and to feel that I have a purpose, that I am working towards something.  I want to take no more then 3 years to obtain a [new] College Diploma and I wish to find gainful employment before I am 40.  That gives me a little less then 10 years to put myself there.  I miss having control over my life and I wish to gain it back ten fold. I want control over my house, my car, my life, my bank account, my FUTURE.

I can almost pin point now where I fell off the happy wagon and onto the depressed train to breakdown town.  It was a year and a half into my first College Program, I want to say it was 2004.  My interest in my courses – and life for that matter- began to fizzle.  It all fizzled away to a point where I did not care.  By the Fall of ’04 I just quit.  I stopped going to school.  I stopped caring about myself.  I became very depressed.  I stopped socializing and started isolating.

I tried to bust out of it in 2007, going back to school for Dental Administration. Again, I craved the routine of school and the hope of a new and better career.  It worked well in the sense of getting me back out in the world and back to a positive routine.  It backfired in the end though because I really hated that Program and I knew I hated it from the first month.  Instead of choosing something else I was determined to finish what I started.  After I finished I felt very deflated and disappointed.  School had failed me and I had failed myself.  I became very discouraged with education after this time.  I was also discouraged and distrusting of myself.  I felt as though I had made a bad decision and wasted time and money on a Program that I have no use for.  I loathed Dental Administration so much.  I thought it would help me be less terrified of the Dentist.  It did not.  Now I know too much.

So now, another decade later and I have not stopped thinking about going back and I have decided it would be a good idea to try.  I feel I have nothing to lose, I just need to choose wisely.  I need to be smart in which program I decide to give my time and money to because I want to come out of it happy to search for a job in my field.  I realize I may not find a job right away and that is ok too, at least I will have upgraded my education and will be ready or more equipped to work.

In hindsight I wish I would have just started up another Program the September following my completion of Dental Admin.  I wish I would have just kept going until I found something that I could do/liked more then Dental.  I spent many years skeptical of College and now I feel like it is my only answer.  Without it I am destined to work another slew of low-skill level jobs that I will never be happy in. I know “they” say “people are never happy in their job” but I still REFUSE to let that allow me to be miserable in my job.  I don’t want to panic anymore about work.  I don’t want to throw up before every shift.  I don’t want to be stuck in another toxic job.  There is more to life then a horribly toxic job that sucks your soul out and never pays enough.

So, hopefully, here is to the new chapter of my life.  May the force be with me and may I make the right call in my Program selection.

Life isn’t going to change itself … (A note to self)

I woke up this morning and as I sat on the porcelain throne I began to recall a dream I must have been having sometime in the night.  I could see myself in a white coat, working in a pharmacy.  I could see myself counting out pills and working around the ever-so-prestigious pharmacy counter.

Almost immediately-as in before I had even gotten off the aforementioned “throne” I realized that maybe this is an obtainable and logical goal for me.  Scary, new, and unknown, but I feel like it could be just what I need.  It would allow me to continue my education, pursue a career in healthcare, and get back out into the world in a safe, comfortable environment (School).

Looking at the admission requirements I realize I will need to upgrade my science courses.  Luckily, I can easily do this at the same college that I plan to attend for the Pharmacy Technician program.  The downside is that it will add another year until I would be graduating and actively looking for a job, bringing the total to 3 years.  Not bad.  Not great.  But when I think to myself that I could be and am trying to equip myself with skills that will carry me through the next decade and beyond, 3 years seems like a small chunk of time.

This is something that I will need to think about a lot more.  I need to weigh the pros and cons.  I need to truly ask myself if this is what I want to pursue.  I don’t want to waste too much time thinking about it though because life is not going to change itself and I want a change.

I want to be able to live independently (without parents and/or social assistance), I want to have job security, and I want to do more then an entry level job.  The more I think about it the more it makes sense to me.  I need to make sure that this isn’t just a “today” decision.  I will need to weigh my options and at least sleep on it a few times before I make my final decision.

If in 2 weeks I still feel the same way I will apply for Pre-Health Sciences and see what happens.  There are a few other cards that need to fall into place in between now and potentially starting in September but if I never start the ball rolling it will never get anywhere.  I have said it before and I will say it again – I do not want to spend any part of my future living how I have in the past.  I am realizing that if I want certain things in life I need to make them happen for myself.

In the end I want a place that we can call our own, my love and I.  I want to be able to choose my next car and be able to afford it (nothing fancy by any means but a reliable, decent car that I ENJOY).  I want a job I don’t hate.  I may dislike aspects of my future “goal job” but at the end of the day I feel that it would not suck my soul like oh-so-many of my General-Labour-type jobs have.  I don’t want to be an uneducated-general-skills-thirty-something wanting it all and having nothing.

It will be a tremendous amount of work and will take discipline, excellent time management and has the potential to rob me of many hours of sleep.  But… But if I can look back in 10 years and breathe a sigh of relief that I did it [try] as oppose to a cry of regret because I was too afraid [to try], it will be worth the work, the exhaustion and the hours I will spend studying.

So that’s that.  I put it into words.  I did not want to forget this.  I don’t want to forget this day of minor-ephiphanie I feel that I have had.  The realization that I can and just may return to school to pursue a better life has made me feel brighter all day.  Like there is a silver lining for me, that maybe, just maybe, if I put my efforts in the right direction I could MAYBE get where I want to be.

Let’s see what tomorrow brings.

I need a new look

Ahh April.  It’s a new month, we are in a new season, and I am living in a new space.  The sun is out today and I feel like I could use a pick-me-up.

I want to walk to a hair place that is close by and get something fresh done with my ‘do.  I have been noticing that I seem to always gravitate toward this same look.  Blonde on top, Black or whatever on the bottom, and a super-fried shag.  I loved this look 10 years ago, hec probably MORE then 10 years ago now, and I am ready for a change.  Ever since I added Violet aka Blackish-Blueish-kinda-not-so-violet to my hair [a few weeks ago] I have been HATING IT. I got my mom [an ex-stylist] to trim some of my shaggy layers thinking that would help.  It didn’t.  The top looks and feels pretty good but my bottom 2-4 inches is just nasty.  It is so broken and fried that you can almost see through it.  That is NOT HOT.

I have saved oodles of pictures to my phone for months now of haircuts that I like.  Their all mostly the same type of cut so clearly I like it but I am afraid I will hate it on me.  As much as I want to update my look I am so afraid to do it.  I worry I will hate it more if I cut it but at the same time I am hating it now so what do I have to lose?  I hate washing it these days, I HATE styling it – I just threw away my blow-drying brush and I am just about ready to chuck my straightener.  I love a good blow out but I just keep failing doing mine.  I am hating the straightener.  Straight hair was so 10-15 years ago, I am sick of seeing it on myself.  I look the same, pretty much, as I did in 2010 (hair wise).  I chopped it all off a la pixie in 2014 and loved it for all of 2 seconds.  I cried for months but I did it because I was SUPPOSED TO grow it back au natural.  That did not happen and here I am, crispy, fried, over-dyed and frizzy.  As usual.

I am mad at myself for not doing what I originally set out to do which was grow out my natural hair and start over.  I am also embarrassed that I don’t seem to have the willpower to not dye my hair.  I know I need to stop colouring it again and I want to stop.  At least stop anything that isn’t highlights or a nice blonde.  I like highlights and I like certain shades of blonde [on me].

I realize also that the reason that I have continued to dye and fry my hair is due to therapy and my mental health journey.  Anytime anything happens I feel the need to dye my hair.  It needs to stop.

I don’t feel pretty or fab in anyway lately with my hair.  It is not complimenting my face or skin.  I don’t want to spend an hour or 2 styling it anymore.  I used to enjoy spending hours frilling with my hair.  I have more important things I wish to use my time on.  So, since I don’t trust myself to do anymore DIY hair stuff and I could use a pick-me-up I am trying to convince myself that I CAN and SHOULD go get my hair done.  I have only had it done in a salon environment 3x in my life.  I can’t afford colour which is fine right now but I am pretty sure I can afford a trim/new style.

Will I do it? I do not know.  I want to but I may need to sit here and encourage myself for a few more hours.

I hate my hair and I need some new hair but I am too afraid to go and ask for what I want.  Let’s see where this potentially takes us.

Rainy Days, Hair Woes, and missing Mom

blogfotomarch17

Today was a very rainy Saturday.  It has been cold, wet, and grey. I don’t like it.  This weather just makes me want to curl up in bed, which is exactly what I did today.  Turned out to be a bad idea.

I woke up feeling all sorts of funky.  It happens on occasion, it’s a shame really because I do love naps but this waking up to feeling not-so-fine causes me to avoid naps sometimes because it’s just not worth the risk.  I feel like I may have been dreaming.  I woke up with my mom on my mind.  I should go visit soon, perhaps make use of her bathtub that I enjoy so much, have a cup of tea and a chat.  I feel like I miss her.  She’s not far away and I did not see her long ago.  I just could not shake this funky feeling-aka looming anxiety- so I took an Ativan to calm myself.  I even woke my Love because I felt I needed him awake with me.  He now sits beside me watching the hockey game which is fine, as long as he is beside me in case of emergency-comfort-needing I am good.

Phew. Ativan is kicking in.

I have been thinking too much today.  Thinking too much about the past and who I was and how I got here.  Thinking too much about my life before.  I am not that person any more and I do not miss her, I don’t know why for a moment I felt as though I missed that person.  That person was so down she couldn’t see any light, she self-sabotaged and constantly isolated herself and she thought that she wasn’t worthy of the happiness she so badly wanted to feel.

I have to remind myself of how far I have come.  I am plowing through my EMDR so I should not be surprised if a few episodes pop up here and there but I always am.  It always seems to happen after a period of feeling really put together and whole in myself.  I felt great the last few days-a week and then tonite I just felt like I could fall apart.  I have actually probably been feeling this way since I woke up this morning I have just been trying to ignore it.  Again, turned out to be a bad idea.  After all day of thinking too much it just overwhelmed my brain.

I was feeling as though I am doing nothing, going nowhere, just watching life go by.  I was questioning if all this time and money spent on therapy is worth it? Is this where I want my life to go? Where DO I want my life to go? Even now the answer is the same: I DON’T KNOW.  I have come this far that I can’t stop now so I can only hope and pray that this is the right path for me, that life will work out, and I will feel worthy of everything I want, deserve, and work for.

I got the itch to 2 tone my hair again last week which I am still not sure if that was a conscience or a dissociative thing to do.  It seemed like a BRILLIANT idea last Monday but pretty much since Tuesday I have been regretting my decision.  I did all this work to be all blonde just to f*ck it up in less then 20 minutes.  This too I have been overthinking – am I just trying to revert to a previous self? Did I really want to do this style? Am I looking dated in a way I don’t want to? Am I making myself look harsh? … Again, the answer is I DON’T KNOW. Looking at that photo I took the other day it looks pretty rad and I feel like I like it. Something so mundane as hair colour keeps me lost in thoughts for hours.  Leave it, keep it, change it, color oops it… all these options overwhelm me.  For now, mostly due to my lack of ambition (thanks depression!), I will NOT bother to do a damn thing color-wise for a few weeks yet.  Buys me more time to make my decision and see how this black/purple/blue dye bleeds out… I seem to have had a hair dying addiction for a few years now.  Really, I just want to be back to blonde. I was born a blonde and I love blonde.  I just want blonde.  All these years of red, black, violet, orange, blue and any other color you can think of was just a desperate plea to be blonde.  My mother always told me I looked “cheap” with (white) blonde hair so to keep her happy I would often I would avoid keeping it blonde.  I have got to stop thinking that way. I can do what I want and be whoever I want to be.

I think this scares me, the thought that I can be whoever I want to be.  Quite possibly because I am not quite sure yet who I want to be but I do know that I am on my way there. I have become so used to pleasing someone else before pleasing myself that it feels weird to be fully in charge of myself.  Sometimes I feel like I want to do everything and I can do anything and then I get overwhelmed by all the things I could do and the feeling that time is just slipping away.

I keep feeling the desire to return to school.  To me, going back almost feels like I am REALLY starting over.  School is a place I have always felt safe and enjoyed and it would help me to re-socialize myself and get back into society.  It would also allow me to upgrade my now-outdated skills.  I don’t like the thought of looking for work with outdated skills.  I feel inadequate for the positions that I want to work.  I also so desperately do not want to repeat the last 10-14 years of my life, jumping from crappy job to crappy job just feeling crappier and crappier about myself.  I have been to college a few times before but my old self wasn’t focused on the program(s) I took, I was looking for a distraction from life.  I lied to myself in trying to be someone I wasn’t and it has always blown up in my face.  Lesson learned.  Follow my heart and choose wisely.

I don’t know if I will pursue school or what I will end up doing really.  I don’t feel that I can make that decision today per se, but it is definitely something that is on my mind.

I think I hear my bed calling my name. It is time for me to rest my weary head and hope that tomorrow is a better day.

Too much Bran and other Thoughts

It has now been just over 2 and a half weeks since we have moved.  So far so good – better then I thought actually… Until by the end of week 2 I realized I had not been…as “regular” as I should be.  Being the over-paranoid person that I can be I started thinking the worst and decided I better get me some bran, and perhaps some Activia yogurt.  I figured it was best to cover both bases of good bacteria and fibre.

I ended up deciding to just mix the yogurt and bran buds together which to my pleasant surprise is pretty good and pretty filling.  I literally pour out my ‘lil cup of yogurt into a bowl and add bran buds, mix it up and enjoy! Easy peasy lemon squeezey.

Within 24-48 hours I was feeling the affects of my yogurt-bran concoction and now, a few days later I feel fantastic.  Thanks to my enjoyment of my new little healthy snack I am becoming more regular then I have ever been and I am feeling physically and mentally better.  I might be to a point where if I am not careful I will consume too much bran.  I do not wish to experience what that will do.

Writing about being regular and bran snacks may not seem like much to most but the thing I wish to highlight here is that my stomach has not been the monster I had expected it to be – minus some minor constipation.  Since moving I have had less stomach aches, cramps, and bathroom issues in general.  I find it interesting that moving myself to a more positive and engaging environment is most definitely affecting me physically [and mentally] and in a good way.  This is showing me how negatively I was once effected by the life I had created for myself.  Back in 2008 into 2014-ish my stomach was like a ticking time bomb.  I felt like shit so much I got used to just feeling like shit.  When I was working I would watch what I ate around my shifts so as to make sure I would not have any problems during my shift.  I’d not eat instead of risking feeling sick- or I would have no appetite at all because I would be so stressed.  There was a time that I would get so anxious before going into work I would have to throw up before every shift.  Every.  Shift.

I can now see so clearly how my life was effecting how I was feeling physically.  I hated my job, my living situation, hec I think I must have hated myself to let myself continue to be miserable for so long.  At 25/26/27 years old I felt so stuck, I felt like life was beating me down, that “this” is all that there was for me.  I could not have been more wrong.  At 33 I feel like I am getting a new life.  It has been a long journey to get here and there is still more to hike but I am so grateful that I am on this journey and that somewhere I did love myself enough to decide to change my life.  Watching my Dads health fade away so fast at such a young age made me realize how short (and sad) life can be.  I decided right then and there that I wanted to change my life and pursue my ultimate best-self.  Before he died I was only living half a life and I was lying to myself about what I wanted and who I was.

Now, almost 4 years later and thousands of dollars in therapy, I am finally starting to feel like my whole -self is coming together.