It is almost mid August. It is hot, humid, and rains almost every day. It’s okay though, I don’t feel as though I mind too much this year. I am too busy working on myself and trying to avoid depression and “the dread” to notice or overly care.
I have been doing a lot of thinking and reflecting (nothing really unusual for me). I have also found some new inspiration which is a welcome surprise. I feel as though I am finally pushing to be my “best-self”. I managed to find myself some gainful employment (in the last month) which was a HUGE goal that I still cannot believe that I accomplished. This has and is allowing me to get back to a routine – a Monday to Friday routine no less – just what I wanted. I have come to realize just how important a routine is for me. I need a solid routine to keep myself busy and grounded. I have rewarded myself with a new tea/coffee mug from Wal Mart, a $20 haircut at First Choice and re-subsribing to ipsy. I have also promised myself a subscription to FabFitFun if I can pay off some debts in the next 4-6 weeks. Slowly, oh so slowly, but surely, I am starting to feel like I am actually putting myself back together.
I forgot about how great it feels to have a job. I never knew how it felt to obtain a job I really and truly enjoy. I have had a few rough anxious-night-before’s that first week but *so far* no puking before I leave which is amazing. Finally, I do not feel so stressed in my life, relationship, or job that I hurl in times of uncomfortableness. It’s hard to look back to just a few short years ago and realize that though I knew what I wanted, I was still selling myself short and letting myself down in ALL the aforementioned aspects of life (life, love, work). I can now clearly see how lost, sad and heartbroken I have been. And I can also see that I deserve to feel found, be happy and accept the love that is helping to mend my broken heart.
It isn’t all flowers and sunshine. That is for sure. Since starting my job I have lost over 10 pounds, allowing my weight to dip to 99 pounds, the lowest I have been since EVER. It is part control and part lack of appetite due to the heat, a new routine, new goals, and the obstacles keeping me from achieving my goals. I scared myself when I saw those digits on the scale. My high school self would have been elated to reach that weight. My adult self fought off “the dread”. I have since been actively trying to eat more and have been able to get back up to 104 pounds which, for now, is a huge relief. I know I am going to have to watch myself and make an effort to continue to eat regularly. I have been keeping a list of things I know I like and will eat and I plan to hit our local grocery store as soon as I get paid (not that we don’t have food. We do. I can just be picky when I have to eat around my anxiety). My current faves include:
- Taste of Thai’s peanut noodles
- Peanut butter Cliff bars … Huh. I see a theme here…
- Lemon Pepper Tuna + rice cracker snack pack
- Plain Rice Crackers
- Twinnings English Breakfast Tea
- McCafe Coffee
and as always, iced tea. On the upside my stomach feels pretty good lately, even though I am eating in a certain way because of anxiety. I am less gassy, I feel less nauseous, I don’t find myself worrying about finding a bathroom though out the day, and I don’t feel slow or sluggish (until 10pm when I am usually quite literally exhausted).
I have even been going as far as thinking about/planning to start an exercise regime of sorts. I like to run and I have not run in a long time. Come fall (and cooler temps) I am thinking of trying to run again. I would also like to get into pilates and yoga again. I have my yoga matt sitting purposely in a spot where I literally wake up and see it, I really need to start using it. I feel that both activities would not only help me feel physically better and improve my stamina but also allow me time to think and decompress. Also, it’s a great alternative to smoking which, admittedly I do enjoy but should do less of.
What I really want more then anything (aside from sound mental health of course) is our own place. The thing that inspired me the most to work again was the desire to move. And the realization that without me working that us moving will just take longer. Too long. I feel that once we can secure our own space that we can call ours and that I can feel completely at home in that I will finally feel at ease. I miss my things, my coffee table, my cups, my record player….Oh how I miss my record player. All with me but in storage right now. Being that my love and I are sharing one small room I had to leave a lot in storage (in the attic). I try to remind myself that this is temporary and it will all be okay but the reality is that we might be here awhile. Longer then expected. It is what it is I suppose. I tried to go home and that did not work for me at all. So here I am and here I will stay, for now anyways.
I haven’t been to therapy in months now. Life just kept happening and I have had to cancel a lot of recent appointments. I have an upcoming appointment that I am both looking forward to and dreading. I look forward to catching my therapist up on my last few months adventures and such but I can’t help but feel that little twinge of dread. The dread that asks “do I really still need this therapy?”. Since the beginning of my therapy journey my main concern has been being mentally healthy enough to find and keep employment. Now that I am getting there/am there I wonder how much longer I will keep up with these therapy sessions? I don’t want to quit before I am finished but at the same time I don’t want to reprocess memories if I don’t have to. Some still need to be reprocessed- no doubt about it – but I feel like a nice chunk does not. Only time will tell I suppose but I do have a feeling that therapy may not be a part of my New Year/2018.
For the first time in a very long time I am starting to feel content in myself. I am learning and have learned to trust myself, my decisions, and my goals. I am realizing my worth, if to no one else but myself. I am worth everything that I want for myself. I deserve to feel loved and safe. I do not deserve to put myself down, second guess myself or tell myself that I am not worth it. I have done that for enough of my life now. I also refuse to tolerate anyone who puts me down, makes me feel bad about myself, or tries to attack things that I cannot control (i.e. anxiety & depression). I don’t need anybodies help to feel bad about myself, I have an easy enough time doing that all on my own and I am trying to break that cycle thankyouverymuch.
So there it is. I have drank my tea and I am at the end of my thoughts for now.