For the first time in 12 years ….

For the first time in 12 years I am piercing-free.  In my face.  I still have a few in my ears, one in my navel and one in my right nipple.

I am not exactly sure what happened.  I was not planning on removing any piercings.  I actually just wanted to change my nose studs.  In changing my (double) nose piercing I suddenly found myself missing my face, sans jewelry.  So out of curiosity I decided (today) to remove my double nose studs, the last of my facial piercings.

I used to have my upper lip pierced a la monroe/madonna piercing, my labret, my tongue, and the double nose studs.  And today, about 12 years after my first facial piercing I took out the 2 that remained.

I have missed my non-pierced face… a little.  It is a treat to wash my face without any jewellery in it.  So smooth.  Not to mention blowing my always-running nose is a little nicer.

I have found over the years that I have been less and less satisfied with the placement of one out of the 2 holes.  To the point that I actually do regret getting it.  Secondly, I have had a hard time finding jewellery that I both love and trust enough to put in my face.  I want it to be pretty but I also want it to be a safe material resting in my skin.  Ultimately curiosity got the cat and I was just curious as to how I would look without my nostril pierced.  I think I like it.  I can’t promise I won’t add something new at some point in the not so distant future but I am kinda digging my naked nose.

I still love piercings and the world of piercing itself.  I have just come to realize that for me personally, I used my piercings as a coping mechanism.  I hid behind them in a way.  They served their purpose and that is great but as I am changing so is my preference for certain things as well as possibly even my style.

I have found a new (to me) style that I find myself gravitating towards.  I don’t know what one would call it per sae but I am diggin’ it.  My latest style role model is Stella Lugosi (find her on insta @stella.lugosi).  I love her high bun, her lovely brows, and her overall look.  I love the single septum piercing.  I am seriously considering getting one… as soon as I muster up the courage to do so…. and I am feeling really good and excited about it, about me, evolving yet again, into the me that I am most comfortable being.  When I look at Stella’s pictures not only do I appreciate and admire her beauty but I get a very comforting feeling.

*sips tea*

I don’t really know what the future holds but I do know that I am/will learn to love myself and will put myself and my feelings first.  No more pretending to be okay with things I am not okay with.  No more sacrificing myself for others happiness.  I am starting to remember who I was, who I am, and who I want to be.  I lost myself before, I am not willing to loose myself again.  To be completely lost and not even know oneself anymore is a frightening and exhausting thing.  I am still lost but I am finally finding my way, and for the first time in my life I don’t want to stop.  I want to keep going.  To do better, to be better.  To be whole and happy within myself.

Tea and Thoughts | August 2017

It is almost mid August.  It is hot, humid, and rains almost every day.  It’s okay though, I don’t feel as though I mind too much this year.  I am too busy working on myself and trying to avoid depression and “the dread” to notice or overly care.

I have been doing a lot of thinking and reflecting (nothing really unusual for me).  I have also found some new inspiration which is a welcome surprise.  I feel as though I am finally pushing to be my “best-self”.  I managed to find myself some gainful employment (in the last month) which was a HUGE goal that I still cannot believe that I accomplished. This has and is allowing me to get back to a routine – a Monday to Friday routine no less – just what I wanted.  I have come to realize just how important a routine is for me.  I need a solid routine to keep myself busy and grounded.  I have rewarded myself with a new tea/coffee mug from Wal Mart, a $20 haircut at First Choice and re-subsribing to ipsy.  I have also promised myself a subscription to FabFitFun if I can pay off some debts in the next 4-6 weeks.  Slowly, oh so slowly, but surely, I am starting to feel like I am actually putting myself back together.

I forgot about how great it feels to have a job.  I never knew how it felt to obtain a job I really and truly enjoy.  I have had a few rough anxious-night-before’s that first week but *so far* no puking before I leave which is amazing.  Finally, I do not feel so stressed in my life, relationship, or job that I hurl in times of uncomfortableness.  It’s hard to look back to just a few short years ago and realize that though I knew what I wanted, I was still selling myself short and letting myself down in ALL the aforementioned aspects of life (life, love, work).  I can now clearly see how lost, sad and heartbroken I have been.  And I can also see that I deserve to feel found, be happy and accept the love that is helping to mend my broken heart.

It isn’t all flowers and sunshine.  That is for sure.  Since starting my job I have lost over 10 pounds, allowing my weight to dip to 99 pounds, the lowest I have been since EVER.  It is part control and part lack of appetite due to the heat, a new routine, new goals, and the obstacles keeping me from achieving my goals.  I scared myself when I saw those digits on the scale.  My high school self would have been elated to reach that weight.  My adult self fought off “the dread”.  I have since been actively trying to eat more and have been able to get back up to 104 pounds which, for now, is a huge relief.  I know I am going to have to watch myself and make an effort to continue to eat regularly.  I have been keeping a list of things I know I like and will eat and I plan to hit our local grocery store as soon as I get paid (not that we don’t have food.  We do.  I can just be picky when I have to eat around my anxiety).  My current faves include:

  • Taste of Thai’s peanut noodles
  • Peanut butter Cliff bars … Huh. I see a theme here…
  • Lemon Pepper Tuna + rice cracker snack pack
  • Plain Rice Crackers
  • Twinnings English Breakfast Tea
  • McCafe Coffee

and as always, iced tea.  On the upside my stomach feels pretty good lately, even though I am eating in a certain way because of anxiety.  I am less gassy, I feel less nauseous, I don’t find myself worrying about finding a bathroom though out the day, and I don’t feel slow or sluggish (until 10pm when I am usually quite literally exhausted).

I have even been going as far as thinking about/planning to start an exercise regime of sorts.  I like to run and I have not run in a long time.  Come fall (and cooler temps) I am thinking of trying to run again.  I would also like to get into pilates and yoga again.  I have my yoga matt sitting purposely in a spot where I literally wake up and see it, I really need to start using it.  I feel that both activities would not only help me feel physically better and improve my stamina but also allow me time to think and decompress.  Also, it’s a great alternative to smoking which, admittedly I do enjoy but should do less of.

What I really want more then anything (aside from sound mental health of course) is our own place.  The thing that inspired me the most to work again was the desire to move.  And the realization that without me working that us moving will just take longer.  Too long.  I feel that once we can secure our own space that we can call ours and that I can feel completely at home in that I will finally feel at ease.  I miss my things, my coffee table, my cups, my record player….Oh how I miss my record player.  All with me but in storage right now.  Being that my love and I are sharing one small room I had to leave a lot in storage (in the attic).  I try to remind myself that this is temporary and it will all be okay but the reality is that we might be here awhile.  Longer then expected.  It is what it is I suppose.  I tried to go home and that did not work for me at all.  So here I am and here I will stay, for now anyways.

I haven’t been to therapy in months now.  Life just kept happening and I have had to cancel a lot of recent appointments.  I have an upcoming appointment that I am both looking forward to and dreading.  I look forward to catching my therapist up on my last few months adventures and such but I can’t help but feel that little twinge of dread.  The dread that asks “do I really still need this therapy?”.  Since the beginning of my therapy journey my main concern has been being mentally healthy enough to find and keep employment.  Now that I am getting there/am there I wonder how much longer I will keep up with these therapy sessions?  I don’t want to quit before I am finished but at the same time I don’t want to reprocess memories if I don’t have to.  Some still need to be reprocessed- no doubt about it – but I feel like a nice chunk does not.  Only time will tell I suppose but I do have a feeling that therapy may not be a part of my New Year/2018.

For the first time in a very long time I am starting to feel content in myself.  I am learning and have learned to trust myself, my decisions, and my goals.  I am realizing my worth, if to no one else but myself.  I am worth everything that I want for myself.  I deserve to feel loved and safe.  I do not deserve to put myself down, second guess myself or tell myself that I am not worth it.  I have done that for enough of my life now.  I also refuse to tolerate anyone who puts me down, makes me feel bad about myself, or tries to attack things that I cannot control (i.e. anxiety & depression).  I don’t need anybodies help to feel bad about myself, I have an easy enough time doing that all on my own and I am trying to break that cycle thankyouverymuch.

So there it is.  I have drank my tea and I am at the end of my thoughts for now.

June 12, 2017

It is finally hot.

I already have sunburn in some places.  I actually have a really funny chest-tan line going on, I thought it would be a good idea to wear a strapless bikini top for optimal shoulder-tanning.  Unknown to me it was a little off-centre and now I have a funny, crooked line right above my boobs.  Luckily I did put on sunscreen but I was lazy with the re-application-aside from my face- and now I suffer the consequence.

I got a little confident last week and actually applied for a job.  A job I really want, with a company I love and actually have worked for before in the past.  I actually got a response back within a few days and I was hoping to hear about an interview as early as this week.  I felt really good about myself, life, and the future when I thought I was on track to getting the job.  Now it has been a few days since I have heard anything and thought I keep telling myself “it is only Monday”, I can’t help but worry that either I or my resume or BOTH are off-putting.  This is probably not the case but I tend to jump to conclusions surrounding my insecurities pretty quickly.  I also really really really want this job.  It sounds like it could potentially be my dream job.  Not to mention the doors it would open for me if I did and could get back to working again.  I need to make money.  I need things.  I need to be able to provide for myself and currently I can’t say as though I am able to do that.

I want a newer car.  I never wanted to drive a van but I have been and I am making the best out of it but thinking of driving it through another [Canadian] Winter makes me cringe.  I desperately want us to get an apartment.  I don’t feel as though I will feel fully comfortable and at-home until I/we can get into our own place.  I need my own kitchen, bathroom, living room and I want the control that paying for your own place brings.  I crave the independence and the freedom.  I worry that if I cannot find gainful employment that things could get really bad for me [mentally] in the next 6-12 months.

I have been feeling the desire to go home on and off for a few months now.  I was fine the first month, perhaps it was the high of moving that got me through that first month because in the months following I have become more and more depressed.  I find myself napping to escape the tears.  I miss my mom.  She drives me nuts sometimes but I miss her company, humour, and conversation.  I miss that feeling of being home.  If I think about it too much it makes me cry.

I actually have gone as far as to move a few things back over to my moms house with the intent of potentially staying there in the future.  If the anxiety gets really bad I may need to go back for awhile.  Heck, even without the anxiety I might need to go back.  I am getting tired.  Tired of feeling invisible and lonely.  Tired of days filled with nothing and nights filled hoping to avoid anxiety or sadness.  I feel like I was once first on the list and now I feel like I am almost last.  I am grateful for my cat, Marble, because she is such a sweet baby.  She stays with me when I can’t get out of bed, she makes me laugh at times when I didn’t know I could, she listens and never judges.

I have Therapy tomorrow.  I am kind of glad for that because I need to talk to someone, who better then my therapist? As always I am promising myself a Starbucks treat but so far I have not stopped since before Christmas, I remember because I have gift cards FROM CHRISTMAS that I still have not used.  Let’s see if tomorrow is any different then the last couple of months…

I also have my Nano Brow appointment this week.  I am pretty excited about it and I really hope to vlog it for my YouTube Channel.  From what I have read there are only 10 locations in Canada that do Nano Brows and my Eyebrow girl is one of those 10.  Nano Brow is more like a tattoo then the Microblading, the ink is deposited deeper under the skin than it is with Microblading and it is said to last up to 5 years.  Yes please.

What takes away from my excitement is the drive to get there.  It’s worth the drive but it does take me over an hour to get there, over 2 hours round trip.  Not my most favourite of commutes but I have done it many times now, I know I will be fine, and I will be so happy when I leave I won’t even care about the drive.

I look forward to Friday.  Therapy will be done [till my next appointment], my new brows will be healing, perhaps I will have heard some word regarding that job I really want.  I have even promised myself a big treat such as a new haircut if I am lucky enough to snag an interview.

Who knows.  I sure don’t.  I can only hope, and try to think positive thoughts.  Breathe.  I will be okay.

The way he looked at Me

The way he looked at me the other night made my heart sad.

The way he looked at me was not the way he used to look at me.

Once caring, accepting, and loving windows to his soul now seem dulled, annoyed, and fed up.

With me.

I want to ask “do you still love me?” but I am afraid my heart might explode if the answer is no.

I feel like I am losing him.

I don’t know what I did wrong.  Everything seemed so right.

I cry into the night and pray that it will all be alright.

 

Going Nowhere

My brain is tired.  I can’t focus.  I almost can’t even think.

I have been TRYING all day to streamline my 2 google accounts to one.  I have been trying to synchronize and change my contact email from my personal to a business account.  It is not going well.  But it could be worse.

I do not want 2 google accounts.  The first one I created way back when I had no idea what I was doing.  I had no concept or idea of branding really and now that I do I am so frustrated that I am unable to change some things and/or I do not understand how to or what I am even trying to do at times.

Ugh.  For now I think I am stuck working between 2 accounts.  I am afraid of having an “accident” and losing all my YouTube stuff.  I have thought about starting over.  I am still thinking of starting over but I don’t want to lose my screen name or come up with a new one.  Unless of course something clever just comes to me…. You never know.  Could happen.

Google is making me crazy.  All I want to do is change my main email address.  Why WHY must it be so hard.  All day.  I have spent ALL DAY working on this and I think I am done.  I may have even effed up my adsense account along the way.  Good grief. I need to stop thinking about this conundrum.

I feel like I am trying to get somewhere and I am getting nowhere.  I am going nowhere.  Except in circles.  I am going in circles.

Perhaps after I sleep on it I will be able to think with a clearer mind.

I have a therapy appointment tomorrow.  I both dread it and look forward to it all at the same time.  I look forward to getting out of the house and having some me-time but I hate that I have to spend it talking about my problems and my younger-jaded-selves.  I hate that I have to worry about parking every time I am there.  City parking is a nightmare and costs an arm and a leg for a measly hour or 2.

My mind is everywhere and nowhere all at the same time.

I hate the night before therapy days.  I always feel slightly all-over-the-place.  I want to go but I don’t want to go, I want to be finished, I want to be whole and happy and back to me again.  I had no idea it would take this long and I wonder if I will ever find me again.  Sometimes I feel like she is there and other times I feel like she is no longer me, and I am no longer her.  The days I can feel her are the better days.  The days that I feel as if I am no longer her are the days I feel the loneliest and the darkest.

I feel like a shell.

I feel like I am invisible.

I feel as though I might just take an adivan and go to bed.

Goodnight, always hoping for a good morning.

April 25, 2016

I had to take another Ativan tonight.  I just could not shake the looming feeling that anxiety was coming.

I am frustrated.  I am frustrated with myself and my “new” environment.  I am doubting myself again.  I feel lonely a lot, even when there are people around.  Could be a little dissociation problem, could be something else that I don’t want to deal with right now.

In attempts to clear my head earlier today I went to Shoppers Drug Mart.  I needed Q-tips and I wanted to spend some time with me doing what me likes.  I walked up and down my favourite aisles- cosmetics, skin care, hair care, and chocolate – and I just enjoyed being with myself.  I miss that.  Taking myself out just to take some time to be with me.  I decided to treat myself to some new shampoo and conditioner.  After price and scent comparisons, ultimately I chose Garnier’s [somewhat] new line of Whole Blends.  It was on sale for $4.99 CDN (each, on sale) and the “Honey Treasures” smelled so AH-MAH-ZiNG I had to have it in my life.  SO.  GOOD.

whole blends 1

I remembered I wanted that Ralph Lauren perfume that was on sale but upon smelling it for the first time in ohhhh 15 years, I swiftly changed my mind.  It took me right back to high school, back to a place where I did not feel safe, back to a place that I don’t like to think about.  It reminded me of my youth in a really really bad way.  I am so glad I didn’t get purchase-happy and just buy it for nostalgia purposes, I would have never wanted to wear it.

The Cosmetician on shift asked me if I needed any assistance and I politely smiled and said “no thanks, just checking out the sales”. Pffft.  That was a mistake.  She began telling me about how there are some lipsticks and mascaras on sale – neither of which I was shopping for nor do I need – but not wanting to be rude I listened [kind of] of then tried to politely exit said convo.  I was feeling particularly awkward as I was engaged in me-mode and was not looking to talk to anyone.  No offence intended to her of course, she was just doing her job. And I was just feeling like quietly browsing.  It’s therapeutic in a way.  I need to wear a sign – SHY INTROVERT SHOPPING. I’M GOOD THANKS! GO AWAY.

I made my way down the skincare aisle and I noticed, to my delight, that Neutrogena products were on sale. Score! That Benzoyl Peroxide Cleanser I have been eyeing for a few weeks was finally on sale! Though I have not had bad acne since my stint with Accutane a good decade ago now, I am still paranoid of breakouts and still get the odd little problem crop up.  So, I like to keep at least one acne-wash on hand at all times.  I have been wanting the Pro-Active face cleanser for ages but I only want to cleanser, I don’t want all the other things it comes with.  I like Pro-Active because it is one of the few products that use Benzoyl Peroxide which, for me, has always worked better then the usual Salicylic Acid products.  This Neutrogena “Rapid Clear”, ahem, “Paste” cleanser has Benzoyl Peroxide and at $9.99 CDN (on sale) will due in place of Pro-Active. Yes, it can be very drying, therefore, YES, I will need to moisturize.  For now I am trying it out using my Clinique Gel-Moisturizer but I will need to find something with a decent SPF soon.  Beach season is barreling towards me!

facewash

On my way home I FINALLY stopped in at one of the three Thrift Stores that are here in town.  I have not been thrifting in ages and though the store was pretty small, I spend a large amount of time in there.  I was looking for a blue denim jacket- preferably Levi’s but not the be all end all if it’s not.  I did not find any denim but I did find a Garage pullover with a cowl-neck hoodie – could be my new fave. I also found a hot pinky-orange leopard-printy skirt that I could probably also wear as a dress.  Feels like a jersey material and has a nice elastic waistband.  An elderly couple was shopping too and the woman says to me “oh my THAT is CUTE!” whilst I was holding the skirt up to myself, I smiled and said “Oh I know! and so perfect for summer!”.  I also said something about how thats why I LOVE the thrift store, you never know what you are going to find! She agreed and told me she comes in almost every day.  I have no problem talking to old folks especially at the thrift or grocery store but other people in other places cause me awkwardness.  *Personal Observation*.

The last item I picked up for myself was another tea cup and saucer.  I could not help myself.  I have a problem. Cups, Mugs, and Chairs.  I have ’em, I collect ’em, and I seem to gravitate towards ’em.  So, gravitate I did.  I looked over the glassware twice and had just about decided that I would get nothing when I saw a sweet looking set of teacups and saucers.  When I investigated them further I saw that they were hand-painted (SO COOL!) and they are both microwave and dishwasher safe. I have neither but hey, always a plus with mugs and such.  One day I will have a dishwasher and microwave.

teacup1

I bought one set.  One cup and one saucer.  Yes, I am considering walking back tomorrow to buy at least one more.  Or the whole damn set.  I don’t need more then one right now but I could use another one for backup and if I were to entertain ever I would like to have some matching cups and saucers to whip out.  It was only $2 for a set so it’s not like I’d be breaking the bank.  We will see.  I will sleep on it.

I felt really good for that brief amount of time that I was out and about.  The sun had come out in time for my walk home.  I was so hot having worn my winter coat again like a crazy person.  I came right home and threw on my flip flops.  Shortly afterwards I showered and used my new products which was a fun little treat.  I also did a load of laundry so that I could wear my new pullover hoodie asap.

My love even got me out for a long early-evening walk which I very much did enjoy.  I managed to walk more then my daily goal steps on my cell phone app (LG Health) and apparently I walked over 6km! That alone should have made me happier then it did.  Our travels led us down a lot of old streets, I could see years stamped in the sidewalk every so often, 1958, 1962.  So many years, so many people have walked up and down these sideways, where were they they going? What were they doing? I keep meaning to start taking pictures of these historical marks.  It’s neat.

When we were making our way home we took a little detour through town and stopped at 7Eleven.  Oh thank heaven for 7Eleven.  Have always and will always love the slush.  We got a large Crush Cream Soda Slush to share.  It was so pretty and pink and delicious. I shoulda snapped a picture but I didn’t… Perhaps next time… because it won’t be long until there is another one.

And then slowly but surely the dread and sadness began to creep in.  I found myself becoming easily irritated and on edge.  I had a pretty awesome day all in all.  I am not really sure why …. wait…. I think it has just hit me why.  After writing and reading and thinking I think I see the problem.  Something is triggering me here.  In the evenings and at night time I often feel triggered.  Not 100% sure of what said trigger is but now realizing there MUST be a trigger I can be a little more aware of it, NOTE TO SELF.  Be on the look out.

I hope I don’t wake up wanting to spend my day in bed.

Feels like it could be a sleep-my-worries-away kinda day tomorrow.  Who knows.  I don’t know.  Hopefully I am wrong.

Always hoping for sunshine and good vibes.

Stay GRooVY my friends.

Goodnight.

April 24, 2017

Monday.

Monday.

Can’t trust that day.

In Monday’s defence, I have been in a terrible mood since yesterday morning, possibly even as far back as Saturday, I cannot remember.  Ugh. I knew it was coming.  I usually tend to de-fragmentate a few days in not 24 hours after therapy so making it until the end of the week is epic, it feels epic.  I just hate being back to I-hate-myself-and-everything-and-every-decision-I-ever-made mood.  I hate it.  I don’t even like being in my own brain when it’s like this.

I am sad because in even though I am moving forward I feel stuck.  I am currently stuck in my financial situation.  I am currently stuck in my housing situation. And for now, today, I feel as though I can’t do much about it [right this literal second].

I do have future plans/goals to pursue school (AGAIN!), and I hope that this ’round of college serves me better then the 2 rounds I already ran.  I am so worried about this ending up like those other times but at the same time I feel inner relief when I think about the courses I am looking to take.  This time it really feels like me.  I am choosing my path.  Not my mom, not my anxiety, not my million-and-one what if’s? It’s all me.  And if all else fails at least I am gaining my way back into society and I am learning new skills.  I like to learn and I feel I am yearning to learn, to learn a way out of the life I thought I was doomed to.

Today was a lovely sunny day and I spent most if it in bed, in track pants, not wanting to deal with the world. At all.  I managed to re-schedule a dental appointment so that was a win.  I don’t go until October now.  I am sure I will regret that come October but today I am pretty a-ok with it.  I try to keep ontop of my 6-month dental checkups but the dentist stresses me out BIG TIME.  Every couple of years (and good checkups) I let myself skip an appointment or 2 just so I don’t worry about the dentist.  Strange too because I have pretty average dental hygiene (not super-fantastic but not horrible either) and I have not had a cavity in well over 2 years now, I should not be worried.  But I always do.

I had a mid-afternoon nap.  HUGE MISTAKE. I woke up so cranky and anxious I was literally nauseated.  My love had a baseball practice I did [in theory] want to attend so I popped an ativan, got dressed, and off we went.  Again. MISTAKE.  I felt so out of it all the way to the field plus I felt angry, angry over things I have no control over right now.  I should have stayed home and had a bad or continued to nap but that is not what I did.  We got to the field and what was previously a pretty lovely day had turned into a pretty though VERY CHILLY evening.  I was dressed pretty well and I immediately knew I was screwed for warmth.  I had decided 2 innings into the practice that I was going to go sit in my van.  At least it would be warm there.

Who knows how many innings later and  I am still standing outside, fracking freezing. One of the guys lady friends came out late and being that we were the only 2 non-players we got to chatting and joking and I seemed to momentarily forget my horrid mood.  She was so funny and just kept me laughing that by the end of the game I had almost completely forgotten about my mood.  I have never met her before nor did I get her name but I liked her and I hope to see her at the games over the summer.  She has a great sense of humour which is top notch in my books.  I could use a baseball-watching friend.

Now it is almost 11, my kitty is laying beside me, I have had a few shots [of Disorronno – one of the ONLY things I will drink], I’ve got some warm comfies on and I feel better.  I don’t know what tomorrow morning will hold but for now I feel better.  I don’t feel so stressed or sad.  It’s still there, I am just not feeling it so much.  Tomorrow is a fresh day, a new start- might even be the day I actually APPLY for school *pretty please with a cherry on top*.

I don’t know what going to school will do to my future but I am too afraid to find out what not going will do so I know I want to go.  I need to try.

Well.  I have hit that wall of tired and I must crawl into my bed with my love and our fur baby.  I must think positive thoughts and stop dwelling on the past.  The past is long gone and the future is fairly near, and the future is in my hands now.  It’s up to me to put in the work to reap the reward.  Literally and metaphorically speaking.

Until we meet again my friends,

Take care & STaY GRooVY ❤

April 22, 2017

I woke up in a terrible mood this morning.  I felt fantastic yesterday.  I had hoped that perhaps I could avoid falling into the pit of depression, anxiety, and defragmentation but it happened again.

I have been grouchy all day.  My poor boyfriend being the sole receiver of my nasty mood.  We went for a walk and I wanted to go to Shoppers, as usual.  We did and that perfume I wanted is indeed on sale, I went over to it and picked up a box but put it back because I really could’t afford that $20.00 this morning.  That saddened me.  I felt like I was getting paid this week but payday is not until next week- I knew that, I just had some illusion I had more money then I really do.

Coffee was on sale at Shoppers which almost boost my blue mood until nowhere could I see the McCafe Coffee that I like.  That just made me more sad.  I was obtaining nothing on my list(s).  I ended up buying 2 packs of mini-eggs (because I’m addicted) and one cookies and cream chocolate bar.  The chocolate bar I promptly opened and scarfed down like my inner chunky self.  I get down and I lose my appetite but CLEARLY I still have an appetite for chocolate.

The sun was out and chocolate was on my breath.  I should be in a much better mood.  We walked along the Canal and over the West St. bridge into [the crappy part of] town.  Cute houses (with potential) but kind of a depressing area.  That did not really help my mood.  I was also getting hot in my Uggs and winter coat I thought I needed when we first left the house.

Upon coming home we stopped at the grocery store where I found both the coffee I like and the tea I like and I picked up both.  Neither were on sale (which I hate!) but I could not risk running out.  No, no, no.  As soon as we got in I promptly made myself a delicious coffee.  It has been a few hours now and I am still working on it… it’s a little cold but that’s ok.

Marble doesn’t seem to be feeling well this evening.  She has thrown up twice – no signs of anything super unusual for cat throw up though.  I have promised myself I will not panic unless she is still like this by Monday.  This has happened before and I literally panicked because my cat puked a few times.  She isn’t being herself but she isn’t as miserable as I have seen her.  I will feel a million times better when she snaps back to her normal tuna-lovin’ self.  I hate when my fur baby isn’t feeling good.

I have no idea what to do with myself tonight.  I am fighting an easily-annoyed mood I can feel coming on.  Oh yes and I am doing laundry.  Trying to keep up with it and make sure I don’t end up with a mountain of dirty laundry and no clean undies.  It has happened all too many times before.  I’d like to go for another walk, the sun is out and it’s a nice evening.  We will see.  I will see how I feel after dinner, if I even eat dinner.

*****

It’s been a few hours.  I had french onion soup for dinner and a taste of chicken parm. My Marbie still isn’t feeling herself but she has been up and about and making eye contact so that is an improvement.  She is sleeping on my boyfriend’s mom’s bed now.  I am almost finished laundry and I have come to the conclusion that 2 coffees is too many for me in one day.  I may have mentioned or hypothesized this before but now I know, it’s too much caffeine. That combined with my mixed-emotions state of mind is making me feel anxious.

I am not unhappy here [where I am living] but I am not as happy as I thought I would be.  I am struggling less then I thought with anxiety then I thought but at the same time the “I don’t know how long I can do this” feeling has started.  I will see how summer goes and if any improvement is made.

Oh! I totally forgot – I started a Snapchat thing.  I have no idea what I am doing or even how to work Snap at all so ya, good luck me.  I am pretty sure I set my name to idreaminvintage if your are interested.  I am still super lost but I figured out how to put up a profile pic so that’s a start.

I think that’s all I’ve got for today.

I am going to be super lazy on this crisp, Saturday eve.

I hope to be in a better mood tomorrow.

I also hope again for sunshine and some double digit temps.

Goodnight.

I need a new look

Ahh April.  It’s a new month, we are in a new season, and I am living in a new space.  The sun is out today and I feel like I could use a pick-me-up.

I want to walk to a hair place that is close by and get something fresh done with my ‘do.  I have been noticing that I seem to always gravitate toward this same look.  Blonde on top, Black or whatever on the bottom, and a super-fried shag.  I loved this look 10 years ago, hec probably MORE then 10 years ago now, and I am ready for a change.  Ever since I added Violet aka Blackish-Blueish-kinda-not-so-violet to my hair [a few weeks ago] I have been HATING IT. I got my mom [an ex-stylist] to trim some of my shaggy layers thinking that would help.  It didn’t.  The top looks and feels pretty good but my bottom 2-4 inches is just nasty.  It is so broken and fried that you can almost see through it.  That is NOT HOT.

I have saved oodles of pictures to my phone for months now of haircuts that I like.  Their all mostly the same type of cut so clearly I like it but I am afraid I will hate it on me.  As much as I want to update my look I am so afraid to do it.  I worry I will hate it more if I cut it but at the same time I am hating it now so what do I have to lose?  I hate washing it these days, I HATE styling it – I just threw away my blow-drying brush and I am just about ready to chuck my straightener.  I love a good blow out but I just keep failing doing mine.  I am hating the straightener.  Straight hair was so 10-15 years ago, I am sick of seeing it on myself.  I look the same, pretty much, as I did in 2010 (hair wise).  I chopped it all off a la pixie in 2014 and loved it for all of 2 seconds.  I cried for months but I did it because I was SUPPOSED TO grow it back au natural.  That did not happen and here I am, crispy, fried, over-dyed and frizzy.  As usual.

I am mad at myself for not doing what I originally set out to do which was grow out my natural hair and start over.  I am also embarrassed that I don’t seem to have the willpower to not dye my hair.  I know I need to stop colouring it again and I want to stop.  At least stop anything that isn’t highlights or a nice blonde.  I like highlights and I like certain shades of blonde [on me].

I realize also that the reason that I have continued to dye and fry my hair is due to therapy and my mental health journey.  Anytime anything happens I feel the need to dye my hair.  It needs to stop.

I don’t feel pretty or fab in anyway lately with my hair.  It is not complimenting my face or skin.  I don’t want to spend an hour or 2 styling it anymore.  I used to enjoy spending hours frilling with my hair.  I have more important things I wish to use my time on.  So, since I don’t trust myself to do anymore DIY hair stuff and I could use a pick-me-up I am trying to convince myself that I CAN and SHOULD go get my hair done.  I have only had it done in a salon environment 3x in my life.  I can’t afford colour which is fine right now but I am pretty sure I can afford a trim/new style.

Will I do it? I do not know.  I want to but I may need to sit here and encourage myself for a few more hours.

I hate my hair and I need some new hair but I am too afraid to go and ask for what I want.  Let’s see where this potentially takes us.

Rainy Days, Hair Woes, and missing Mom

blogfotomarch17

Today was a very rainy Saturday.  It has been cold, wet, and grey. I don’t like it.  This weather just makes me want to curl up in bed, which is exactly what I did today.  Turned out to be a bad idea.

I woke up feeling all sorts of funky.  It happens on occasion, it’s a shame really because I do love naps but this waking up to feeling not-so-fine causes me to avoid naps sometimes because it’s just not worth the risk.  I feel like I may have been dreaming.  I woke up with my mom on my mind.  I should go visit soon, perhaps make use of her bathtub that I enjoy so much, have a cup of tea and a chat.  I feel like I miss her.  She’s not far away and I did not see her long ago.  I just could not shake this funky feeling-aka looming anxiety- so I took an Ativan to calm myself.  I even woke my Love because I felt I needed him awake with me.  He now sits beside me watching the hockey game which is fine, as long as he is beside me in case of emergency-comfort-needing I am good.

Phew. Ativan is kicking in.

I have been thinking too much today.  Thinking too much about the past and who I was and how I got here.  Thinking too much about my life before.  I am not that person any more and I do not miss her, I don’t know why for a moment I felt as though I missed that person.  That person was so down she couldn’t see any light, she self-sabotaged and constantly isolated herself and she thought that she wasn’t worthy of the happiness she so badly wanted to feel.

I have to remind myself of how far I have come.  I am plowing through my EMDR so I should not be surprised if a few episodes pop up here and there but I always am.  It always seems to happen after a period of feeling really put together and whole in myself.  I felt great the last few days-a week and then tonite I just felt like I could fall apart.  I have actually probably been feeling this way since I woke up this morning I have just been trying to ignore it.  Again, turned out to be a bad idea.  After all day of thinking too much it just overwhelmed my brain.

I was feeling as though I am doing nothing, going nowhere, just watching life go by.  I was questioning if all this time and money spent on therapy is worth it? Is this where I want my life to go? Where DO I want my life to go? Even now the answer is the same: I DON’T KNOW.  I have come this far that I can’t stop now so I can only hope and pray that this is the right path for me, that life will work out, and I will feel worthy of everything I want, deserve, and work for.

I got the itch to 2 tone my hair again last week which I am still not sure if that was a conscience or a dissociative thing to do.  It seemed like a BRILLIANT idea last Monday but pretty much since Tuesday I have been regretting my decision.  I did all this work to be all blonde just to f*ck it up in less then 20 minutes.  This too I have been overthinking – am I just trying to revert to a previous self? Did I really want to do this style? Am I looking dated in a way I don’t want to? Am I making myself look harsh? … Again, the answer is I DON’T KNOW. Looking at that photo I took the other day it looks pretty rad and I feel like I like it. Something so mundane as hair colour keeps me lost in thoughts for hours.  Leave it, keep it, change it, color oops it… all these options overwhelm me.  For now, mostly due to my lack of ambition (thanks depression!), I will NOT bother to do a damn thing color-wise for a few weeks yet.  Buys me more time to make my decision and see how this black/purple/blue dye bleeds out… I seem to have had a hair dying addiction for a few years now.  Really, I just want to be back to blonde. I was born a blonde and I love blonde.  I just want blonde.  All these years of red, black, violet, orange, blue and any other color you can think of was just a desperate plea to be blonde.  My mother always told me I looked “cheap” with (white) blonde hair so to keep her happy I would often I would avoid keeping it blonde.  I have got to stop thinking that way. I can do what I want and be whoever I want to be.

I think this scares me, the thought that I can be whoever I want to be.  Quite possibly because I am not quite sure yet who I want to be but I do know that I am on my way there. I have become so used to pleasing someone else before pleasing myself that it feels weird to be fully in charge of myself.  Sometimes I feel like I want to do everything and I can do anything and then I get overwhelmed by all the things I could do and the feeling that time is just slipping away.

I keep feeling the desire to return to school.  To me, going back almost feels like I am REALLY starting over.  School is a place I have always felt safe and enjoyed and it would help me to re-socialize myself and get back into society.  It would also allow me to upgrade my now-outdated skills.  I don’t like the thought of looking for work with outdated skills.  I feel inadequate for the positions that I want to work.  I also so desperately do not want to repeat the last 10-14 years of my life, jumping from crappy job to crappy job just feeling crappier and crappier about myself.  I have been to college a few times before but my old self wasn’t focused on the program(s) I took, I was looking for a distraction from life.  I lied to myself in trying to be someone I wasn’t and it has always blown up in my face.  Lesson learned.  Follow my heart and choose wisely.

I don’t know if I will pursue school or what I will end up doing really.  I don’t feel that I can make that decision today per se, but it is definitely something that is on my mind.

I think I hear my bed calling my name. It is time for me to rest my weary head and hope that tomorrow is a better day.