The way he looked at Me

The way he looked at me the other night made my heart sad.

The way he looked at me was not the way he used to look at me.

Once caring, accepting, and loving windows to his soul now seem dulled, annoyed, and fed up.

With me.

I want to ask “do you still love me?” but I am afraid my heart might explode if the answer is no.

I feel like I am losing him.

I don’t know what I did wrong.  Everything seemed so right.

I cry into the night and pray that it will all be alright.

 

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First week here

I have made it.  Made it through the first week of being in a new place.  It has it’s pros and cons, mostly pros, but it is still a battle for me.  During the day I feel fine, content, a little lonely and a little lost but ok.  At night I have a hard time.  Last night I completely broke down and cried.  I am not unhappy here, it’s just different.  I need time to adjust.

I like being in/closer to town.  A few days ago my brother-in-law and I walked to a few places.  It was so windy I almost tripped over my own feet but I was so happy to be out and walking.  Freezing no less, but walking.  Our main purpose for walking to town was to get chocolate.  We both need our chocolate.  I also bought a Marc Ecko “cut & sew” pullover sweater, 100% Wool, for $10.00 at a local discount store.  It’s a men’s medium and fits a little large but I love it.  We came home to eat our chocolate and make tea.

My kitten, Marble, is adjusting pretty well.  She was sick yesterday a few times which immediately had me in tears and worried but by late afternoon she was totally fine and has been since.  I don’t know what cause her to be sick, her food is the same, her water is the same, same dishes, she has not gotten into anything… I don’t know and I am going to try not to over worry about her which I am all too good at. Today she has been running all over the house, she has seen her first bathroom and kitchen.  She sat and watched me do dishes this morning.  Such a cutie.  She helps keep me occupied and she is great company.

I am doing my first load of laundry here tonite.  I feel good to be getting on with laundry life.  I have had a nice hot shower with Sienfeld-like pressure.  It still blows me away every time I get in it. It’s kind of fun.  I did some dishes and tidying while my mother-in-law was out, I figured it was the least I could do.  I feel good this evening, granted it is Friday and I did take an Ativan earlier because I did not wish to repeat last night.

I was fine all day yesterday, at least I think I was fine.  I was longing for the weekend and definitely stressing about my Marble all day and I guess by 10pm I finally cracked.  Today I opted to try to keep myself busy and I have even decided that I want to re-arrange our new room already. I love a good re-arrange and re-organize.

I also really love our new little room.  It is much smaller then the one I had at my moms but it is cozy.  We have opted to put our mattress on the floor instead of taking up extra room with my antique 4-poster bed frame-plus in time of anxiety I like to lay on and sleep on the floor so just slapping the mattress down seemed like a good idea.  So far, so good, I quite like it.  I even have all the comforts I have gotten used to having, a small space heater and my heating blanket (this house is old and though very solid is limited on heat vents, this room of ours in particular does not have one).  With the door open during the day it heats up in here pretty fast but if I want the door closed it can get a little chilly.  Nothing compared to the chill of the basement though.  I love living above ground.  I was so sick of living in the basement, it was kind of depressing [for me].  We have 2 beautiful windows in our room that both myself and my cat enjoy.

I am learning what I actually need and use.  I don’t know where half my stuff is right now- I mean I know ALL of it is right above me in storage- but I don’t know where to begin to start looking for this and that.  Last weekend when we were moving I was so in a tizzy to just get outta my old house by the end I was just grabbing shit and putting it wherever.  I hope tomorrow to be a very good find-and-organize day.

Looking back at the week I feel that I will be ok.  I still need time to adjust and I need to take my time and I need to remind myself that it is ok.  My love is so supportive and has been since day 1, one of the many reasons I love him so.  I feel like as long as we are together and have each others love that I, we, will be ok- not just ok, FABULOUS.  I don’t praise him enough and he certainly deserves it.  He rubs my back when I cry because I am sad for no explainable -or at least cry able – reason.  He checks in often to make sure that I am ok and when he does he looks at me with such a look of genuine caring concern, it makes my heart skip a beat every time and it reminds me why I am doing this.  I mean aside from the fact that I am in my thirties and IT IS TIME for me to leave the nest… I need to do this for him, and us.  He stayed by my side no questions asked and no judgements ever and now I will stay by his.  I will be the best me I can be [if not for me] for him.  We made this move for me, so I could feel more relaxed and less sad, lonely, and frustrated.  And I am happy to report that I am feeling more relaxed, less sad, lonely, and frustrated which is an amazing feeling.  Sadly it is such a new feeling that I am not sure what to do with it yet.

The weather has been crazy this week.  From pouring rain to insane winds to snapping cold with flurries, literally every day has been different… I just wanted to log that for memories sake.

Well, my computer is dying and my eyes are getting heavy so off to bed I toddle, looking forward to Saturday, and Saturday morning snuggles with my love of course ❤

“Who loves you Baby?”. You do Dad.

October 15, 2016

Happy Birthday Dad.  You would have been 56.

I’m sorry we were so distant those last few years.  I can only imagine how you were feeling and it makes me very sad.  I wasn’t there when you needed me the most but you also kept me in the dark regarding your sickness.  Had I known I would have done so much more to try to save your life.  When you died I promised myself I would stop living a life I hate and start trying to create a life that I love.

I left my job for awhile and then decided after a few months that I wanted to quit.  I wanted to quit since the day I started so thank you for the inspiration to do so.  Life is too short for “some day”.

Remember that weird illness I had when we went to visit Grandma when I was 16? That was anxiety.  I have had anxiety from PTSD for many years.  I am sorry I never got to tell you that.  I thought I was bi-polar and I tried to get you to think that you were bi-polar and thats why I had it.  I am so sorry.  That was an incorrect diagnoses.  I am not bi-polar and I never should have insinuated that you were.  I am finally trying to get the help I need so that I can be happy.  It’s hard but I sincerely hope it will be worth it when it is over.

I am sorry that I told you Mom was getting married.  She never did.  I could hear the sadness in your voice when I told you and I will forever wish I hadn’t.  I know you always loved her, I think you even tried to get her back when you came for her 50th birthday.  You really tried to make her 50th memorable for her.  I am sorry she didn’t care as much as she should have.

I found a really great guy.  I wish you could meet him.  You would love him.  I think I may finally have found the one.  I tell him about you a lot.  I am sorry you won’t be here to see us get married or to meet your grandchildren in the future.  I am sad that you will not be there to walk me down the aisle.  You won’t be here to hold my hand and watch proudly as I find myself and live my life.

Thank you for watching over me.  I know you saved us Halloween night 2014 when that car crossed the yellow line and came right towards mine.  Four people could have been killed in a head on collision but you were with me and you helped me stay calm and logical. I veered around him towards the ditch.  We got clipped and spun but you saved us from hitting a pole or a tree.  Guardian Angels do exist and you are mine.

I got a tattoo in memory of you a little over a year ago.  It’s the Led Zeppelin Falling Angel. I got it on my upper right thigh because that was your first amputation.  I got the Angel because I used to stare at it on the Led Zeppelin fabric poster you had above your bed.  I have it now and I am so grateful I do.  It reminds me of how we were.

I’m sorry you that your love of beer affected our relationship so poorly.

I am also sorry that Mom’s opinions towards you negatively affected my attitude towards you.  For this I feel immense guilt as that was terribly unfair to you.

I love you so much and I am so sorry for any pain I may have caused you.  My heart broke the day you died.

Sometimes if I listen really hard I can hear you say what you always used to say. “Who loves you Baby?”.

You do Dad.  Happy Birthday.

Love Always,

Carla xo

 

2013-10-22-22-45-01

My Dad in his younger years.  Looks like we may have been camping.

zeppelin-tattoo

My Zeppelin Tattoo.  In loving memory of my Dad.

ZIVOT JE LEP

Zivot je lep. Life is beautiful.

Love may be be real.

People can change.

This journey we call life truly is a strange and magical trip.  It could be heaven and it could also be hell, both of which I do believe are very real and both of which are right here on earth not in some galaxy far far away.

Until recently I was living in hell.  A hell caused by and allowed to live and thrive by means of a variety of awesomely stressful situations.  A hell I thought I was doomed to stay in, something I somehow thought I deserved.

A chain of events seven years in the making has made me see that I was completely wrong and that love may actually exist. Take a deep breath and take a chance.  You never know where you may end up or who you could be.

FATE

It was June 2014.  Quite possibly Fathers Day.  It was a Sunday.  Very hot outside, a beautiful summer day.

Actually let’s back the bus up to August 2008.

In the summer of 2008 I worked 2 jobs.  I was a housekeeper at a local hotel by day and a dietary aide at a long term care facility by night.  I worked 12 hour days almost every day, 7 days a week.  Now as luck would have it by the end of August I cracked and quit the lower-paying day job. Without a day job I felt like I had a lot of time on my hands but having worked so much I didn’t know what to do with myself.

One day my younger sisters suggested we go to the beach.  Funny to admit now but I didn’t even know how to get to the beach anymore and my sisters who at the time were not even old enough to drive had to direct me.  We get to the beach, we set up our towels and what not and off they went to play in the water “STAY WHERE I CAN SEE YOU!!!” and I proceeded to get my tan on.  Not long after we arrived a trio of handsome young men came and set up shop not too far away from me.  I noticed them almost immediately, they were all very handsome, blonde, and all looked like they could be related in some way.  One in particular caught my eye.  He was wearing what I remember to be as red swimming shorts.  I had this feeling he was going to come over to me.  I don’t usually get this feeling so I was somewhat shocked when he did indeed come over to me.  I tried to play it cool.  I felt like a bumbling fool.  Every time I looked at him his beautiful eyes made me melt.  Blonde. A beautiful blonde; and he’s talking to ME!!! Be cool.

Somehow I managed to give him my cell number or Facebook info or both. I didn’t know how to tell Mr. Beautiful that I have a boyfriend, I’m not usually the kind of girl who chats it up with someone else when I’ve already got a someone but this was different.  Something inside was telling me not to let this one pass me by.  We both recall that after the number/info exchange he and his sidekicks played a strategic game of frisbee very close to my line of view.  Well played Mr. Beautiful.

We didn’t stay long at the beach that day as I had my night job still that I had to get to.  Later that day or that week I did tell Mr. Beautiful that I have a boyfriend and we did chat a little bit but thats as far as it went.  I went to the beach ONE more time that August and I did see him, Mr. Beautiful in the red swimming shorts.  He did not see me but I saw him.  Little did I know we would meet again in almost that exact location but it wouldn’t be for another 7 years.

7 YEARS LATER…(Approximately)

It’s Hot.

I’m trying to figure out why I shouldn’t go meet this guy at the beach.  I’m afraid to leave the house but you know sometimes thats just embarrassing to try to explain to people.  I’m afraid I’ll have a panic attack – what else is new? He seems to want to see me and I’d like to see him seeing as we have been talking every night for months now.  He seems like a good guy.  What’s the problem?

I couldn’t find a problem logical enough for me to stay home.  I honestly felt compelled to go, like if I’d miss something if I didn’t.

I don’t remember much of my drive there, its a blur of nerves, heat, sun, and finding my way by memory.  I do remember I arrived at our designated meeting spot before he did.  This allowed me lots of extra time to be nervous and get even more sweaty then I already was.

He arrived just a few minutes after me.  He pulled up and parked beside me.  We both drive red cars.  Interesting.  I looked over to wave like the goofball that I am and time stopped for a second in my head.  Even though now he was a little older and looked a little different with a full beard and beautiful LONG blonde hair, it was him.  He looked like a rockstar with his classic aviators on.  He smiled, my heart skipped a beat.  “DON’T DO ANYTHING STUPID” I say to myself, I beg my brain not to go all panic on me and ruin what could be a glorious day.

As we gathered our beach things I chattered about who knows what trying to seem calm, cool, and collected.  I noticed he noticed my awesomeness- thank you Venus.com “Marilyn enhancer” bikini top.  I tried not to be super self conscience about my newly short hair- it seemed like a good idea a week ago but now that I’m seeing his golden locks I’m jealous and desire to match.

We walked and talked and slugged our stuff down to the beach.  I love the beach, I do.  I used to go as a kid all the time.  I forgot about the beach over the years.  I honestly had not been back since the summer we met.  It felt good to be by the water, on the sand.  It was a good day to go to the beach.  There wasn’t a ton of people yet there were enough around to make people watching interesting.  I forgot my SPF 50 but I managed to have a bottle of SPF 8 tanning lotion… Needless to say we BURNED.  We were out there for hours just lying on the sand talking.  The time flew by, not once did I feel the need to leave, not once did I feel panicked or puke-y nor did I even think about it.  I could feel my skin burning but I didn’t want to leave.  There was something about him.  Something I could not let go, I wanted it, whatever it was.

Eventually due to our burning skin and probable dehydration we had to end our beach day.  He helped me put my stuff in my car and gave me a sweaty hug before I got in, HEART SKIPS BEAT.  He promises to text me later and even though I tell myself not to get to hung up on something I don’t know is anything I’m elated.  He got in his car and waited for me to start my car and get going before he did.  He followed me to the first stop sign where I went left and he went straight.

I do remember driving home from the beach.  I felt different then the girl who drove to the beach.   felt lucky in a way, lucky that I made the unusual decision to leave the house.  I didn’t know what would happen.  I didn’t know if he was into me, my awesomeness in my bikini top or what he was even looking for.  I didn’t know if he would text me later like he said or if I would even see him again.  But something, something just felt right.  For a worrier I was oddly not worried about this.  I was curious as to where it would go.  Somehow I felt like I had met my match.  I just had the best day with Mr. Beautiful, THE BEST DAY in a sea of sad days.  He was different.

Ever since that day last June we have been INSEPARABLE.  He did indeed text me later and we continue to text, talk, and see each other everyday.  He is different and he makes me see things differently.  He is beautiful inside and out and he makes me feel beautiful inside and out.  He never judges me and he isn’t bothered AT ALL by my panic situation.  We are on the same page of the same chapter of the same book and it is amazing.  I never thought I could have this.  I have what I’ve always wanted and it blows my mind.

He waited years for me and I hope to spend years making it up to him.   Had I not been on that beach on that day all those years ago we may have never met.  Had I not gone against my own personal rules and given him my info we may have never kept in touch.  Had he not been persistent we may have never met again at the beach.  Life really does work in mysterious ways and love is real.