April 22, 2017

I woke up in a terrible mood this morning.  I felt fantastic yesterday.  I had hoped that perhaps I could avoid falling into the pit of depression, anxiety, and defragmentation but it happened again.

I have been grouchy all day.  My poor boyfriend being the sole receiver of my nasty mood.  We went for a walk and I wanted to go to Shoppers, as usual.  We did and that perfume I wanted is indeed on sale, I went over to it and picked up a box but put it back because I really could’t afford that $20.00 this morning.  That saddened me.  I felt like I was getting paid this week but payday is not until next week- I knew that, I just had some illusion I had more money then I really do.

Coffee was on sale at Shoppers which almost boost my blue mood until nowhere could I see the McCafe Coffee that I like.  That just made me more sad.  I was obtaining nothing on my list(s).  I ended up buying 2 packs of mini-eggs (because I’m addicted) and one cookies and cream chocolate bar.  The chocolate bar I promptly opened and scarfed down like my inner chunky self.  I get down and I lose my appetite but CLEARLY I still have an appetite for chocolate.

The sun was out and chocolate was on my breath.  I should be in a much better mood.  We walked along the Canal and over the West St. bridge into [the crappy part of] town.  Cute houses (with potential) but kind of a depressing area.  That did not really help my mood.  I was also getting hot in my Uggs and winter coat I thought I needed when we first left the house.

Upon coming home we stopped at the grocery store where I found both the coffee I like and the tea I like and I picked up both.  Neither were on sale (which I hate!) but I could not risk running out.  No, no, no.  As soon as we got in I promptly made myself a delicious coffee.  It has been a few hours now and I am still working on it… it’s a little cold but that’s ok.

Marble doesn’t seem to be feeling well this evening.  She has thrown up twice – no signs of anything super unusual for cat throw up though.  I have promised myself I will not panic unless she is still like this by Monday.  This has happened before and I literally panicked because my cat puked a few times.  She isn’t being herself but she isn’t as miserable as I have seen her.  I will feel a million times better when she snaps back to her normal tuna-lovin’ self.  I hate when my fur baby isn’t feeling good.

I have no idea what to do with myself tonight.  I am fighting an easily-annoyed mood I can feel coming on.  Oh yes and I am doing laundry.  Trying to keep up with it and make sure I don’t end up with a mountain of dirty laundry and no clean undies.  It has happened all too many times before.  I’d like to go for another walk, the sun is out and it’s a nice evening.  We will see.  I will see how I feel after dinner, if I even eat dinner.

*****

It’s been a few hours.  I had french onion soup for dinner and a taste of chicken parm. My Marbie still isn’t feeling herself but she has been up and about and making eye contact so that is an improvement.  She is sleeping on my boyfriend’s mom’s bed now.  I am almost finished laundry and I have come to the conclusion that 2 coffees is too many for me in one day.  I may have mentioned or hypothesized this before but now I know, it’s too much caffeine. That combined with my mixed-emotions state of mind is making me feel anxious.

I am not unhappy here [where I am living] but I am not as happy as I thought I would be.  I am struggling less then I thought with anxiety then I thought but at the same time the “I don’t know how long I can do this” feeling has started.  I will see how summer goes and if any improvement is made.

Oh! I totally forgot – I started a Snapchat thing.  I have no idea what I am doing or even how to work Snap at all so ya, good luck me.  I am pretty sure I set my name to idreaminvintage if your are interested.  I am still super lost but I figured out how to put up a profile pic so that’s a start.

I think that’s all I’ve got for today.

I am going to be super lazy on this crisp, Saturday eve.

I hope to be in a better mood tomorrow.

I also hope again for sunshine and some double digit temps.

Goodnight.

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April 21, 2017

Today was an extremely dull, grey, and cold day.  It looked like it could rain almost all day save for that 5 minutes the sun tried to peek out.

I woke up around 9am this morning and shortly after feeding Marble her Tuna I went back to bed and slept until after 11am.  I try not to make a habit out of going back to bed like that but I could tell by the weather this morning that it was going to be a boring day.  Everybody else was still sleeping, even the cat.

Eventually Joel and I got up and I made myself a delish McCafe coffee in the fancy-shmancy Tassimo (LOVE that thing!).  I think I actually had 2 coffees today in attempt to stay awake which is risky.  Sometimes too much caffeine is not kind to me, it makes me too edgy which can lead me to anxiety.  That happened the other day so yesterday I tried to steer clear of coffee all day.  So far so good today…. Oh wait. I lied.  I felt a little funky earlier this evening and I took an ativan just to be safe.  So far, since moving, I have been lucky to escape any [major] panic or anxiety attacks.  I have had a few [minor] episodes, there have been a few nights that I could not stop crying, and I have thrown up once but all in all it has not been the nightmare I originally thought it was going to be [mentally].

I can’t believe that May 1st marks 2 months of being moved out of my mom’s house.  It feels good.  I am having more good days then bad (lately anyways).  Since my therapy appointment this week I have been feeling pretty good too so that’s a plus.  I usually feel pretty good after therapy but usually by the time I go back in 2 weeks I am falling apart again.

Oh my manta – how could I forget the most exciting thing I have done all day?!

I – in theory – applied for school tonite.  I still have to pay for my application to be submitted but I filled out my info and I have it all ready to go.  I might have to wait until payday but at least it is done and ready.  I am applying for 2 different programs because after some thought and consideration I am torn between 2.  Both are 2 year programs, one with the option to do a 3rd year and obtain a diploma or certificate in Public Relations ( I can’t remember which).  I am leaning towards the program that will allow me to come back for PR even though that adds another year bringing the total to 3 years of school.  I feel like I like the job prospects better then the other program I first thought I was interested in.  I still need to overthink it for a week until I get paid but whatcanyoudo?

Joel and I have been going on nightly walks to 7Eleven lately.  We went last night around midnight and bought one Pepsi slushy to share.  It was a chilly walk but I enjoyed it and I really wanted a Pepsi slush.  I felt not-so-hot last night and I think it could have been mild indigestion or heartburn or just me being over paranoid about feeling sick, I am not really sure, but I knew I needed a Pepsi slush.  I crawled right into bed and under the heating blanket.  A few nights before last we went to 7Eleven around the same time for a Dr. Pepper Slush and a few Taquitos that we shared on the walk home.  I so enjoy these little walks.  We have been walking a lot and I feel like it helps me to feel better.  We probably aren’t going tonite because it is cold and we have spent enough money on snacks and slushies this week.

I have been trying to wash my hair less.  It is getting long again and I am starting to hate washing it.  It turns into such a chore.  Tonite was wash-nite.  It is the second wash night now that I did NOT use my blow dryer, I am letting my hair dry naturally, something I usually avoid doing.  I avoid it for 2 reasons: I hate wet hair on the back of my neck and I like to style my fringe area a certain way.  I am trying to just deal with the wet hair and I am creatively using clips to make my fringe dry the right way.

I am getting tired.  It almost midnight now.  I also feel snacky.  Oh and I meant to make a cup of tea when I started this.  Oh well.  Perhaps one more cigarette and then off to bed for me.  I am really hoping for some sunshine tomorrow and a nice, long, walk.  Oh and I want to go to Shoppers Drug Mart because there is a perfume I might want on sale for $19.99.

Ok I am starting to babble.

I’m done.

Welcome to my Journal.

Let’s see what the next chapter of life has in store for me.