June 12, 2017

It is finally hot.

I already have sunburn in some places.  I actually have a really funny chest-tan line going on, I thought it would be a good idea to wear a strapless bikini top for optimal shoulder-tanning.  Unknown to me it was a little off-centre and now I have a funny, crooked line right above my boobs.  Luckily I did put on sunscreen but I was lazy with the re-application-aside from my face- and now I suffer the consequence.

I got a little confident last week and actually applied for a job.  A job I really want, with a company I love and actually have worked for before in the past.  I actually got a response back within a few days and I was hoping to hear about an interview as early as this week.  I felt really good about myself, life, and the future when I thought I was on track to getting the job.  Now it has been a few days since I have heard anything and thought I keep telling myself “it is only Monday”, I can’t help but worry that either I or my resume or BOTH are off-putting.  This is probably not the case but I tend to jump to conclusions surrounding my insecurities pretty quickly.  I also really really really want this job.  It sounds like it could potentially be my dream job.  Not to mention the doors it would open for me if I did and could get back to working again.  I need to make money.  I need things.  I need to be able to provide for myself and currently I can’t say as though I am able to do that.

I want a newer car.  I never wanted to drive a van but I have been and I am making the best out of it but thinking of driving it through another [Canadian] Winter makes me cringe.  I desperately want us to get an apartment.  I don’t feel as though I will feel fully comfortable and at-home until I/we can get into our own place.  I need my own kitchen, bathroom, living room and I want the control that paying for your own place brings.  I crave the independence and the freedom.  I worry that if I cannot find gainful employment that things could get really bad for me [mentally] in the next 6-12 months.

I have been feeling the desire to go home on and off for a few months now.  I was fine the first month, perhaps it was the high of moving that got me through that first month because in the months following I have become more and more depressed.  I find myself napping to escape the tears.  I miss my mom.  She drives me nuts sometimes but I miss her company, humour, and conversation.  I miss that feeling of being home.  If I think about it too much it makes me cry.

I actually have gone as far as to move a few things back over to my moms house with the intent of potentially staying there in the future.  If the anxiety gets really bad I may need to go back for awhile.  Heck, even without the anxiety I might need to go back.  I am getting tired.  Tired of feeling invisible and lonely.  Tired of days filled with nothing and nights filled hoping to avoid anxiety or sadness.  I feel like I was once first on the list and now I feel like I am almost last.  I am grateful for my cat, Marble, because she is such a sweet baby.  She stays with me when I can’t get out of bed, she makes me laugh at times when I didn’t know I could, she listens and never judges.

I have Therapy tomorrow.  I am kind of glad for that because I need to talk to someone, who better then my therapist? As always I am promising myself a Starbucks treat but so far I have not stopped since before Christmas, I remember because I have gift cards FROM CHRISTMAS that I still have not used.  Let’s see if tomorrow is any different then the last couple of months…

I also have my Nano Brow appointment this week.  I am pretty excited about it and I really hope to vlog it for my YouTube Channel.  From what I have read there are only 10 locations in Canada that do Nano Brows and my Eyebrow girl is one of those 10.  Nano Brow is more like a tattoo then the Microblading, the ink is deposited deeper under the skin than it is with Microblading and it is said to last up to 5 years.  Yes please.

What takes away from my excitement is the drive to get there.  It’s worth the drive but it does take me over an hour to get there, over 2 hours round trip.  Not my most favourite of commutes but I have done it many times now, I know I will be fine, and I will be so happy when I leave I won’t even care about the drive.

I look forward to Friday.  Therapy will be done [till my next appointment], my new brows will be healing, perhaps I will have heard some word regarding that job I really want.  I have even promised myself a big treat such as a new haircut if I am lucky enough to snag an interview.

Who knows.  I sure don’t.  I can only hope, and try to think positive thoughts.  Breathe.  I will be okay.

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April 25, 2016

I had to take another Ativan tonight.  I just could not shake the looming feeling that anxiety was coming.

I am frustrated.  I am frustrated with myself and my “new” environment.  I am doubting myself again.  I feel lonely a lot, even when there are people around.  Could be a little dissociation problem, could be something else that I don’t want to deal with right now.

In attempts to clear my head earlier today I went to Shoppers Drug Mart.  I needed Q-tips and I wanted to spend some time with me doing what me likes.  I walked up and down my favourite aisles- cosmetics, skin care, hair care, and chocolate – and I just enjoyed being with myself.  I miss that.  Taking myself out just to take some time to be with me.  I decided to treat myself to some new shampoo and conditioner.  After price and scent comparisons, ultimately I chose Garnier’s [somewhat] new line of Whole Blends.  It was on sale for $4.99 CDN (each, on sale) and the “Honey Treasures” smelled so AH-MAH-ZiNG I had to have it in my life.  SO.  GOOD.

whole blends 1

I remembered I wanted that Ralph Lauren perfume that was on sale but upon smelling it for the first time in ohhhh 15 years, I swiftly changed my mind.  It took me right back to high school, back to a place where I did not feel safe, back to a place that I don’t like to think about.  It reminded me of my youth in a really really bad way.  I am so glad I didn’t get purchase-happy and just buy it for nostalgia purposes, I would have never wanted to wear it.

The Cosmetician on shift asked me if I needed any assistance and I politely smiled and said “no thanks, just checking out the sales”. Pffft.  That was a mistake.  She began telling me about how there are some lipsticks and mascaras on sale – neither of which I was shopping for nor do I need – but not wanting to be rude I listened [kind of] of then tried to politely exit said convo.  I was feeling particularly awkward as I was engaged in me-mode and was not looking to talk to anyone.  No offence intended to her of course, she was just doing her job. And I was just feeling like quietly browsing.  It’s therapeutic in a way.  I need to wear a sign – SHY INTROVERT SHOPPING. I’M GOOD THANKS! GO AWAY.

I made my way down the skincare aisle and I noticed, to my delight, that Neutrogena products were on sale. Score! That Benzoyl Peroxide Cleanser I have been eyeing for a few weeks was finally on sale! Though I have not had bad acne since my stint with Accutane a good decade ago now, I am still paranoid of breakouts and still get the odd little problem crop up.  So, I like to keep at least one acne-wash on hand at all times.  I have been wanting the Pro-Active face cleanser for ages but I only want to cleanser, I don’t want all the other things it comes with.  I like Pro-Active because it is one of the few products that use Benzoyl Peroxide which, for me, has always worked better then the usual Salicylic Acid products.  This Neutrogena “Rapid Clear”, ahem, “Paste” cleanser has Benzoyl Peroxide and at $9.99 CDN (on sale) will due in place of Pro-Active. Yes, it can be very drying, therefore, YES, I will need to moisturize.  For now I am trying it out using my Clinique Gel-Moisturizer but I will need to find something with a decent SPF soon.  Beach season is barreling towards me!

facewash

On my way home I FINALLY stopped in at one of the three Thrift Stores that are here in town.  I have not been thrifting in ages and though the store was pretty small, I spend a large amount of time in there.  I was looking for a blue denim jacket- preferably Levi’s but not the be all end all if it’s not.  I did not find any denim but I did find a Garage pullover with a cowl-neck hoodie – could be my new fave. I also found a hot pinky-orange leopard-printy skirt that I could probably also wear as a dress.  Feels like a jersey material and has a nice elastic waistband.  An elderly couple was shopping too and the woman says to me “oh my THAT is CUTE!” whilst I was holding the skirt up to myself, I smiled and said “Oh I know! and so perfect for summer!”.  I also said something about how thats why I LOVE the thrift store, you never know what you are going to find! She agreed and told me she comes in almost every day.  I have no problem talking to old folks especially at the thrift or grocery store but other people in other places cause me awkwardness.  *Personal Observation*.

The last item I picked up for myself was another tea cup and saucer.  I could not help myself.  I have a problem. Cups, Mugs, and Chairs.  I have ’em, I collect ’em, and I seem to gravitate towards ’em.  So, gravitate I did.  I looked over the glassware twice and had just about decided that I would get nothing when I saw a sweet looking set of teacups and saucers.  When I investigated them further I saw that they were hand-painted (SO COOL!) and they are both microwave and dishwasher safe. I have neither but hey, always a plus with mugs and such.  One day I will have a dishwasher and microwave.

teacup1

I bought one set.  One cup and one saucer.  Yes, I am considering walking back tomorrow to buy at least one more.  Or the whole damn set.  I don’t need more then one right now but I could use another one for backup and if I were to entertain ever I would like to have some matching cups and saucers to whip out.  It was only $2 for a set so it’s not like I’d be breaking the bank.  We will see.  I will sleep on it.

I felt really good for that brief amount of time that I was out and about.  The sun had come out in time for my walk home.  I was so hot having worn my winter coat again like a crazy person.  I came right home and threw on my flip flops.  Shortly afterwards I showered and used my new products which was a fun little treat.  I also did a load of laundry so that I could wear my new pullover hoodie asap.

My love even got me out for a long early-evening walk which I very much did enjoy.  I managed to walk more then my daily goal steps on my cell phone app (LG Health) and apparently I walked over 6km! That alone should have made me happier then it did.  Our travels led us down a lot of old streets, I could see years stamped in the sidewalk every so often, 1958, 1962.  So many years, so many people have walked up and down these sideways, where were they they going? What were they doing? I keep meaning to start taking pictures of these historical marks.  It’s neat.

When we were making our way home we took a little detour through town and stopped at 7Eleven.  Oh thank heaven for 7Eleven.  Have always and will always love the slush.  We got a large Crush Cream Soda Slush to share.  It was so pretty and pink and delicious. I shoulda snapped a picture but I didn’t… Perhaps next time… because it won’t be long until there is another one.

And then slowly but surely the dread and sadness began to creep in.  I found myself becoming easily irritated and on edge.  I had a pretty awesome day all in all.  I am not really sure why …. wait…. I think it has just hit me why.  After writing and reading and thinking I think I see the problem.  Something is triggering me here.  In the evenings and at night time I often feel triggered.  Not 100% sure of what said trigger is but now realizing there MUST be a trigger I can be a little more aware of it, NOTE TO SELF.  Be on the look out.

I hope I don’t wake up wanting to spend my day in bed.

Feels like it could be a sleep-my-worries-away kinda day tomorrow.  Who knows.  I don’t know.  Hopefully I am wrong.

Always hoping for sunshine and good vibes.

Stay GRooVY my friends.

Goodnight.

April 24, 2017

Monday.

Monday.

Can’t trust that day.

In Monday’s defence, I have been in a terrible mood since yesterday morning, possibly even as far back as Saturday, I cannot remember.  Ugh. I knew it was coming.  I usually tend to de-fragmentate a few days in not 24 hours after therapy so making it until the end of the week is epic, it feels epic.  I just hate being back to I-hate-myself-and-everything-and-every-decision-I-ever-made mood.  I hate it.  I don’t even like being in my own brain when it’s like this.

I am sad because in even though I am moving forward I feel stuck.  I am currently stuck in my financial situation.  I am currently stuck in my housing situation. And for now, today, I feel as though I can’t do much about it [right this literal second].

I do have future plans/goals to pursue school (AGAIN!), and I hope that this ’round of college serves me better then the 2 rounds I already ran.  I am so worried about this ending up like those other times but at the same time I feel inner relief when I think about the courses I am looking to take.  This time it really feels like me.  I am choosing my path.  Not my mom, not my anxiety, not my million-and-one what if’s? It’s all me.  And if all else fails at least I am gaining my way back into society and I am learning new skills.  I like to learn and I feel I am yearning to learn, to learn a way out of the life I thought I was doomed to.

Today was a lovely sunny day and I spent most if it in bed, in track pants, not wanting to deal with the world. At all.  I managed to re-schedule a dental appointment so that was a win.  I don’t go until October now.  I am sure I will regret that come October but today I am pretty a-ok with it.  I try to keep ontop of my 6-month dental checkups but the dentist stresses me out BIG TIME.  Every couple of years (and good checkups) I let myself skip an appointment or 2 just so I don’t worry about the dentist.  Strange too because I have pretty average dental hygiene (not super-fantastic but not horrible either) and I have not had a cavity in well over 2 years now, I should not be worried.  But I always do.

I had a mid-afternoon nap.  HUGE MISTAKE. I woke up so cranky and anxious I was literally nauseated.  My love had a baseball practice I did [in theory] want to attend so I popped an ativan, got dressed, and off we went.  Again. MISTAKE.  I felt so out of it all the way to the field plus I felt angry, angry over things I have no control over right now.  I should have stayed home and had a bad or continued to nap but that is not what I did.  We got to the field and what was previously a pretty lovely day had turned into a pretty though VERY CHILLY evening.  I was dressed pretty well and I immediately knew I was screwed for warmth.  I had decided 2 innings into the practice that I was going to go sit in my van.  At least it would be warm there.

Who knows how many innings later and  I am still standing outside, fracking freezing. One of the guys lady friends came out late and being that we were the only 2 non-players we got to chatting and joking and I seemed to momentarily forget my horrid mood.  She was so funny and just kept me laughing that by the end of the game I had almost completely forgotten about my mood.  I have never met her before nor did I get her name but I liked her and I hope to see her at the games over the summer.  She has a great sense of humour which is top notch in my books.  I could use a baseball-watching friend.

Now it is almost 11, my kitty is laying beside me, I have had a few shots [of Disorronno – one of the ONLY things I will drink], I’ve got some warm comfies on and I feel better.  I don’t know what tomorrow morning will hold but for now I feel better.  I don’t feel so stressed or sad.  It’s still there, I am just not feeling it so much.  Tomorrow is a fresh day, a new start- might even be the day I actually APPLY for school *pretty please with a cherry on top*.

I don’t know what going to school will do to my future but I am too afraid to find out what not going will do so I know I want to go.  I need to try.

Well.  I have hit that wall of tired and I must crawl into my bed with my love and our fur baby.  I must think positive thoughts and stop dwelling on the past.  The past is long gone and the future is fairly near, and the future is in my hands now.  It’s up to me to put in the work to reap the reward.  Literally and metaphorically speaking.

Until we meet again my friends,

Take care & STaY GRooVY ❤

April 22, 2017

I woke up in a terrible mood this morning.  I felt fantastic yesterday.  I had hoped that perhaps I could avoid falling into the pit of depression, anxiety, and defragmentation but it happened again.

I have been grouchy all day.  My poor boyfriend being the sole receiver of my nasty mood.  We went for a walk and I wanted to go to Shoppers, as usual.  We did and that perfume I wanted is indeed on sale, I went over to it and picked up a box but put it back because I really could’t afford that $20.00 this morning.  That saddened me.  I felt like I was getting paid this week but payday is not until next week- I knew that, I just had some illusion I had more money then I really do.

Coffee was on sale at Shoppers which almost boost my blue mood until nowhere could I see the McCafe Coffee that I like.  That just made me more sad.  I was obtaining nothing on my list(s).  I ended up buying 2 packs of mini-eggs (because I’m addicted) and one cookies and cream chocolate bar.  The chocolate bar I promptly opened and scarfed down like my inner chunky self.  I get down and I lose my appetite but CLEARLY I still have an appetite for chocolate.

The sun was out and chocolate was on my breath.  I should be in a much better mood.  We walked along the Canal and over the West St. bridge into [the crappy part of] town.  Cute houses (with potential) but kind of a depressing area.  That did not really help my mood.  I was also getting hot in my Uggs and winter coat I thought I needed when we first left the house.

Upon coming home we stopped at the grocery store where I found both the coffee I like and the tea I like and I picked up both.  Neither were on sale (which I hate!) but I could not risk running out.  No, no, no.  As soon as we got in I promptly made myself a delicious coffee.  It has been a few hours now and I am still working on it… it’s a little cold but that’s ok.

Marble doesn’t seem to be feeling well this evening.  She has thrown up twice – no signs of anything super unusual for cat throw up though.  I have promised myself I will not panic unless she is still like this by Monday.  This has happened before and I literally panicked because my cat puked a few times.  She isn’t being herself but she isn’t as miserable as I have seen her.  I will feel a million times better when she snaps back to her normal tuna-lovin’ self.  I hate when my fur baby isn’t feeling good.

I have no idea what to do with myself tonight.  I am fighting an easily-annoyed mood I can feel coming on.  Oh yes and I am doing laundry.  Trying to keep up with it and make sure I don’t end up with a mountain of dirty laundry and no clean undies.  It has happened all too many times before.  I’d like to go for another walk, the sun is out and it’s a nice evening.  We will see.  I will see how I feel after dinner, if I even eat dinner.

*****

It’s been a few hours.  I had french onion soup for dinner and a taste of chicken parm. My Marbie still isn’t feeling herself but she has been up and about and making eye contact so that is an improvement.  She is sleeping on my boyfriend’s mom’s bed now.  I am almost finished laundry and I have come to the conclusion that 2 coffees is too many for me in one day.  I may have mentioned or hypothesized this before but now I know, it’s too much caffeine. That combined with my mixed-emotions state of mind is making me feel anxious.

I am not unhappy here [where I am living] but I am not as happy as I thought I would be.  I am struggling less then I thought with anxiety then I thought but at the same time the “I don’t know how long I can do this” feeling has started.  I will see how summer goes and if any improvement is made.

Oh! I totally forgot – I started a Snapchat thing.  I have no idea what I am doing or even how to work Snap at all so ya, good luck me.  I am pretty sure I set my name to idreaminvintage if your are interested.  I am still super lost but I figured out how to put up a profile pic so that’s a start.

I think that’s all I’ve got for today.

I am going to be super lazy on this crisp, Saturday eve.

I hope to be in a better mood tomorrow.

I also hope again for sunshine and some double digit temps.

Goodnight.

April 21, 2017

Today was an extremely dull, grey, and cold day.  It looked like it could rain almost all day save for that 5 minutes the sun tried to peek out.

I woke up around 9am this morning and shortly after feeding Marble her Tuna I went back to bed and slept until after 11am.  I try not to make a habit out of going back to bed like that but I could tell by the weather this morning that it was going to be a boring day.  Everybody else was still sleeping, even the cat.

Eventually Joel and I got up and I made myself a delish McCafe coffee in the fancy-shmancy Tassimo (LOVE that thing!).  I think I actually had 2 coffees today in attempt to stay awake which is risky.  Sometimes too much caffeine is not kind to me, it makes me too edgy which can lead me to anxiety.  That happened the other day so yesterday I tried to steer clear of coffee all day.  So far so good today…. Oh wait. I lied.  I felt a little funky earlier this evening and I took an ativan just to be safe.  So far, since moving, I have been lucky to escape any [major] panic or anxiety attacks.  I have had a few [minor] episodes, there have been a few nights that I could not stop crying, and I have thrown up once but all in all it has not been the nightmare I originally thought it was going to be [mentally].

I can’t believe that May 1st marks 2 months of being moved out of my mom’s house.  It feels good.  I am having more good days then bad (lately anyways).  Since my therapy appointment this week I have been feeling pretty good too so that’s a plus.  I usually feel pretty good after therapy but usually by the time I go back in 2 weeks I am falling apart again.

Oh my manta – how could I forget the most exciting thing I have done all day?!

I – in theory – applied for school tonite.  I still have to pay for my application to be submitted but I filled out my info and I have it all ready to go.  I might have to wait until payday but at least it is done and ready.  I am applying for 2 different programs because after some thought and consideration I am torn between 2.  Both are 2 year programs, one with the option to do a 3rd year and obtain a diploma or certificate in Public Relations ( I can’t remember which).  I am leaning towards the program that will allow me to come back for PR even though that adds another year bringing the total to 3 years of school.  I feel like I like the job prospects better then the other program I first thought I was interested in.  I still need to overthink it for a week until I get paid but whatcanyoudo?

Joel and I have been going on nightly walks to 7Eleven lately.  We went last night around midnight and bought one Pepsi slushy to share.  It was a chilly walk but I enjoyed it and I really wanted a Pepsi slush.  I felt not-so-hot last night and I think it could have been mild indigestion or heartburn or just me being over paranoid about feeling sick, I am not really sure, but I knew I needed a Pepsi slush.  I crawled right into bed and under the heating blanket.  A few nights before last we went to 7Eleven around the same time for a Dr. Pepper Slush and a few Taquitos that we shared on the walk home.  I so enjoy these little walks.  We have been walking a lot and I feel like it helps me to feel better.  We probably aren’t going tonite because it is cold and we have spent enough money on snacks and slushies this week.

I have been trying to wash my hair less.  It is getting long again and I am starting to hate washing it.  It turns into such a chore.  Tonite was wash-nite.  It is the second wash night now that I did NOT use my blow dryer, I am letting my hair dry naturally, something I usually avoid doing.  I avoid it for 2 reasons: I hate wet hair on the back of my neck and I like to style my fringe area a certain way.  I am trying to just deal with the wet hair and I am creatively using clips to make my fringe dry the right way.

I am getting tired.  It almost midnight now.  I also feel snacky.  Oh and I meant to make a cup of tea when I started this.  Oh well.  Perhaps one more cigarette and then off to bed for me.  I am really hoping for some sunshine tomorrow and a nice, long, walk.  Oh and I want to go to Shoppers Drug Mart because there is a perfume I might want on sale for $19.99.

Ok I am starting to babble.

I’m done.

Welcome to my Journal.

Let’s see what the next chapter of life has in store for me.