Retiring Piercings

Today was the day I decided to remove my tongue piercing.  I had it over 12 years – and LOVED IT until recently.  The last few months I have been considering removing it for a number of reasons, one of the main reasons was I just plainly did not care to have a metal bar through my tongue.  I was doing some random research and learned that Acrylic may not be the best material to have in one’s mouth as it can release toxins when it inevitably gets warm.  I went back to metal balls promising myself I’d buy a gold one (as I also learned gold is softer then your teeth).  At the end of the day wether it was plastic, metal, or gold I just could not stand the feeling of something in my mouth, always clinging and clanging around.  Having had it for over a decade I felt as thought it had run its course and I have gotten as much use out of it as I possibly can (NO PUN intended lol).  I honestly thought I would never remove it and I am surprised I have actually decided to take it out.

I also took out my lip piercing(aka madonna/monroe) a few months back, again, loved it – could not stand it rubbing against my teeth (after 5 years).  The first few years it never bothered me, I couldn’t feel it, I thought it was cute.  I don’t know how or why but suddenly it seemed to drive me nuts, I could feel it, it was bothering me, and (on my face) its just not that cute.

Oh and I almost forgot that I removed my top navel piercing.  I had that one since I was 17, its been overplayed, over trendy, overdone and I missed seeing my bellybutton.  I have the bottom of my navel pierced, I kept that one because its different, not as popular as the top and I still like it.

My tongue and bellybutton piercings were things I wanted at 16 & 17 years old (my lip was a random mid-20’s purchase).  I don’t like all the same things that I did back then, multiple piercings being one of them.  I still love piercings and the people that rock them but for me it was time to retire a few.

I can also only assume that this is a part of my mental health transition.  As I proceed in therapy and am working on getting better I am finding some things I never thought would change are changing.  I feel good about removing 3 separate piercings – NEVER THOUGHT THAT WOULD HAPPEN. I don’t have the desire to dye my hair every other week (it happened at a point.  Every. Other. Week.).  I just want to grow in my natural hair, as grey as it may have gotten (thank you stress of 2013).  I am not so addicted to YouTube and don’t have the desire to create, edit, and upload my own videos anymore (or at this time).  That’s just weird.  NEVER WOULD HAVE GUESSED.  Plus I have realized the reality that YouTube is flooded with new channels and people everyday and I just don’t know that I have what it takes to set myself apart nor do I desire to put the work into doing regular videos (it’s A LOT of work, more then you would think).  I wish I could be a Youtuber, I applaud those who have made it and those who can survive off their earnings, I do, but I just don’t see how I’d ever get to that point.

I am not sure where I am going or where I will end up but I am hopeful.  Terrified, but hopeful.  I don’t know what I want to do or even what I like to do but I am interested to see what I find.  I am realizing I am not the person I used to be (which is a good thing).  That girl was very lost, depressed, confused, and felt very unloved.  This girl is finding herself, treating my depression, finding my way out of the confusion, and is very loved.


PLEASE NOTE I wrote this to remember when and why I removed my piercings.  I am not saying that you should remove or keep yours or that those that get piercings do it because they are sad or depressed.  Getting and removing tattoos and piercings is a personal decision no matter who you are. To each their own 🙂


Zivot je lep. Life is beautiful.

Love may be be real.

People can change.

This journey we call life truly is a strange and magical trip.  It could be heaven and it could also be hell, both of which I do believe are very real and both of which are right here on earth not in some galaxy far far away.

Until recently I was living in hell.  A hell caused by and allowed to live and thrive by means of a variety of awesomely stressful situations.  A hell I thought I was doomed to stay in, something I somehow thought I deserved.

A chain of events seven years in the making has made me see that I was completely wrong and that love may actually exist. Take a deep breath and take a chance.  You never know where you may end up or who you could be.

i, Carla

i, Carla live with mental illness.

At this current date and time I am working through Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.  I get nervous easily, am prone to panic attacks at any given moment in time, I don’t like to go out a lot, sometimes I don’t get dressed for days… the list goes on and on.

i, Carla am not my metal illness.

Sometimes I struggle to realize this but it is true.  Mental illness is a part of me but it is not who I am.  I have goals and dreams and though it is a struggle I am trying to work towards them.

i, Carla will succeed.

I want to be successful and happy in my own mind, body and life.  I don’t want to worry what other people think because those are other people.  I am me, not them.

i, Carla understand.

I understand the struggles and limitations mental illness can present in one’s life.  The frustration that daily tasks can present.  The outright loathing of one’s self for not being able to do what “everyone else” does.  I understand because I know what it’s like.

i, Carla will try.

I will genuinely TRY to keep up with blog posts, therapy days and whatever happens in between. I will try to post “Therapy Vlogs” on my Youtube Channel on a regular basis.  I will not let myself be my own worst enemy.

i, Carla am in transition.

Currently in therapy and working on myself I am in the “transition” phase.  As I am transitioning and transforming so are things around me.  I am currently working on splitting my Youtube channel in 2 aka having 2 channels.  This is so (theoretically) one can be for vlogs and daily life posts (iCarla) and the other for fashion and beauty (iDREAMinVINTAGE).  I am currently working on changing and tweaking things online and offline.  I don’t know what I am doing or where I will end up but I will try.

I want to help and I want to heal.  I want to help other people realize they are not alone in their struggle.  I also want to heal myself.  I feel that in sharing some of my struggle I am not only healing myself but hopefully also helping someone out there to find healing in themselves.

What am I doing? … I have NO IDEA

Here’s the thing… I do LOVE fashion, makeup, and hair related anything but I am also suffering from Complex PTSD.  This is something I have been trying to sort out how to write about, how to approach writing about it and I came to the conclusion that I’d just dive right into it.

I have Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and I am prone to sleepless nights, panic attacks, and worrying about everything. All. The. Time.  My PSTD is complex because there is not just ONE trauma that affects me but many traumas all on top of each other.

For YEARS I was misdiagnosed as Mild Bi-Polar which never really made a lot of sense to me but at the time, being desperate for an answer,  I just went with it.  I have tried so many antidepressants and anti-anxiety medications – at one point I was taking something in the morning, something in the evening, and I had Ativan “just in case”.  I hated them all, none of them (EXCEPT the Ativan which I  do still use on occasion), helped me at at all.  I was a zombie.  I had no personality.  Nothing mattered.  For me it just wasn’t working and wasn’t worth sacrificing what little part of me I enjoy.  Over the course of 3 years I was on and off more meds then I can remember and one day I just decided enough was enough.  I wanted to regain SOME control over myself.

I ended up just completely stopping taking my medication which I KNOW is not a good idea. I am fully aware that one is supposed to “ween off” of antidepressants and such but in my defence I was to a point where I was forgetting to take my AM pill or my PM pill on a regular basis, I’d miss a day or two routinely so just stopping just kind of happened.  Luckily I didn’t have any issues with going off of medication and I am happy to be off- NOT that medication is bad, it does work for some people just not for me (and I do not recommend my method of just stopping meds).

After going off meds and alerting my doc to my decision, I decided to pursue therapy (again). I had tried therapy before but I never really found anybody I felt comfortable talking to nor did I find it ever helped.  I’d leave my appointments feeling worse then when I went in.  That didn’t seem right.

I began doing some research and I came across a treatment called eye movement and desensitization and reprocessing ( or EMDR for short.  I did not know much about this treatment but I knew I wanted it.  My search for this treatment led me to the therapist I see now and have been seeing for a few years now.  She is amazing.  I feel comfortable, safe, and not judged when I talk to her (which is how you SHOULD feel in a therapeutic environment).

At the time I first started this round of therapy I still thought I was Bi-Polar.  Not only did I question this diagnosis but eventually so did my therapist.  Over time and through a lot of discussions and activities such as mood charting and other things I won’t get into at the moment (because this blog is long enough ALREADY…), I was re diagnosed as PTSD.  That made a lot more sense.  I didn’t have many of the symptoms of Bi-Polar when it came down to it but I did have EVERY SYMPTOM of someone suffering from PTSD.  Not only was this a huge answer to the big blank I’ve been drawing for years but it also explained why medication did not benefit me.  In taking antidepressants and anti-anxiety medication I was only treating the symptoms of my illness, not the root of the problem.  As irony would have it, the EMDR therapy I so desperately want(ed) is exactly what (I feel) I need.

Currently I am in therapy and I am pursueing/getting EMDR treatment.  I have officially just started reprocessing and feel the need to share/vent about therapy or life in general…. What is my point? What am I doing? I have no idea really but I felt the need to write about it.  I can’t sleep and this is some what productive.  Also, I have been trying to vlog my therapy days and I thought a blog would be a nice piece to add to the puzzle.  I recently had someone comment and thank me because it helps them feel better and it was such an amazing feeling I have been inspired to start trying to write about this.  If I can not only help myself but potentially help other people then its worth more then I thought it could be.

Also please note this is my personal opinion/experience, I am not a professional.


At this current time (MARCH 2016) I have deleted most of my “Therapy Vlogs” from YouTube as I have decided that for now I would prefer to keep some things off camera (this post was written a few months ago).  I have, however, started this blog in hopes that I can potentially talk about therapy and mental health related topics.  It is something I want to talk about.  I still vlog on occasion but I am trying to focus on making happy vlogs I will want to watch years from now and am not embarrassed to share with friends.  It is all a work in progress.  Let’s see what happens and where I go.

Trying to be productive with Anxiety on my back

I wrote a list of to-do’s out last night for today.  This list consisted of 3 things:

  • remove nail polish
  • do kitty litters
  • shower

It took me all day but I have managed to complete said list.  I am even blogging and I managed to make noodles for dinner.  Yay me.

I am not a lazy person.  I do not like lazy people.  It is not laziness that prevents me from doing things.  It’s anxiety.

Everything I do has a hint of “it’s not going to work” or “you suck” to it.  I try to think the opposite as I do know deep down that I don’t suck and maybe if I work really hard something will work.  I still get sucked down by the thoughts and feelings of so many failed projects.  So many quit jobs.  Unfinished College programs.

I want to work, perhaps go back to school, find what makes me happy.  A career is very important to me and so far a career seems like a wish that is just no attainable.  I pick the wrong courses, I end up hating my major or the whole program all together (hello Dental Administration – why did I take you?!?).  My previous post-secondary knowledge is starting to become out of date (hello Art & Design – I love you but your are getting old.  Nobody uses the dinosaur programs or techniques I was taught).  I have nothing but industrial kitchen experience under my belt as that is what I did for 7 years before that became too depressing.  My second nervous breakdown caused me to quit that job so needless to say I am not in a big hurry to find another kitchen to work in.  Then, of course, there is that pesky little problem of living in the middle of nowhere.  I used to like it.  I enjoy the quiet and the privacy.  Lately I find it as depressing as anything else.  There is nothing around, nothing to strive for, nowhere to go, and no room to grow, at least creatively.  It downright sucks.

Then I think, maybe it’s me.  Maybe I AM the one with the big problem.  Perhaps I cannot be pleased.  Perhaps I am just the village idiot that should be happy I have what I have.  But I am not happy.  I want more.  The village idiot would not want more right?!

I miss traveling.  I love to film and edit footage.  I love to type.  I feel the need to advocate for mental health.  There MUST be something out there I can do and do well.  Something that won’t cause me to have a nervous breakdown.  Something that won’t cause me to lose myself and become miserable.  Is this the point where I decide to try to be my own boss? Is this when I throw caution to the wind and live the life I want now? Will I regret it later when it all blows up in my face? (Oh hello negativity, you again).

I don’t know.  I don’t know what I will do.  I do know that I am so sick of anxiety and negative thoughts standing in my way.  Do I continue to listen to those thoughts or do I encore them and go forward?  I don’t know.  We shall find out.

If I do continue to listen to the negative thoughts I do know I will also have to live with the regret of never knowing if my dreams could come true.  I don’t know if that is wise seeing as that seems like it would plague me and depress me for the rest of my life.





I have no real inspiration.  I just want to sleep.  I feel like a failure.  I am so sad I could cry for days. Everything hurts.  My thoughts won’t stop.

Depression is upon me. Oh who am I kidding?  Depression SURROUNDS me.  Writing this blog may very well be the most productive thing I have done all day.

I had a really shitty therapy appointment yesterday.  It has made me not want to even continue with it.  I am sick of therapy.  I am sick of being depressed.  I am sick of the anxiety obstacles.  Most of all I am sick of not living my life.  How fucking depressing it is to not live your life.  I had goals, I had dreams, stupid depression and anxiety always gets in the way.

I am sick of not moving forward but I don’t know how to move forward.  I feel so stuck in a rut I can’t even begin to imagine clawing my way close to out.  I am to the point where I am willing to completely immerse myself in the few things I still love and seeing what happens.  That means I actually have to try and not worry about the possibility of not succeeding.  Easy to type, not so easy to execute.

Fuck you depression! Fuck you and the horse you rode in on!

Anxiety & Me

i, Carla have an anxiety problem.

i, Carla loves to type.

i, Carla + anxiety + typing = iCarla Blogs.

I kind of don’t know what else to do with myself at this point.

I have been suffering with anxiety and anxiety related problems for over 15 years now.  I still remember my first attack as if it was yesterday.  It was horrifying.  At 16 years old I really believed I was dying – predominantly of a heart attack.  I had no idea what this tremendously bad feeling was nor where it came from.  I felt both physically and mentally sick.  I didn’t know wether I was going to throw up or pass out and my thoughts were a tunnel of doom and gloom.  Sweating, shaking, crying, all for no apparent reason.  It got to a point where I started fearing these attacks and would try to do anything to prevent or stop them.

Little did I know just how much these mysterious attacks would effect my life.  I did not even know what they were.  Back then not a lot of people seemed to know about anxiety problems, it took me years before I even heard the term “anxiety attack”.  And now my sense of fear and prevention have led me to a life I don’t want to live.

Currently I am extremely introverted.  I used to work and have had a variety of jobs but since late 2013 I have been unemployed.  I get extremely depressed to the point where I don’t leave the house for DAYS.  I am extremely anxious in social situations.  I don’t like strangers (I am 32 years old for crying out loud).  I am in therapy (and starting to hate it).  I have passed up and avoided more opportunities and situations then I care to remember and overall I feel like a gigantic loser.

I don’t know what to do anymore.  I have decided to start typing and see what happens.  Maybe somewhere, somehow, my words can help someone out there.