It is finally hot.
I already have sunburn in some places. I actually have a really funny chest-tan line going on, I thought it would be a good idea to wear a strapless bikini top for optimal shoulder-tanning. Unknown to me it was a little off-centre and now I have a funny, crooked line right above my boobs. Luckily I did put on sunscreen but I was lazy with the re-application-aside from my face- and now I suffer the consequence.
I got a little confident last week and actually applied for a job. A job I really want, with a company I love and actually have worked for before in the past. I actually got a response back within a few days and I was hoping to hear about an interview as early as this week. I felt really good about myself, life, and the future when I thought I was on track to getting the job. Now it has been a few days since I have heard anything and thought I keep telling myself “it is only Monday”, I can’t help but worry that either I or my resume or BOTH are off-putting. This is probably not the case but I tend to jump to conclusions surrounding my insecurities pretty quickly. I also really really really want this job. It sounds like it could potentially be my dream job. Not to mention the doors it would open for me if I did and could get back to working again. I need to make money. I need things. I need to be able to provide for myself and currently I can’t say as though I am able to do that.
I want a newer car. I never wanted to drive a van but I have been and I am making the best out of it but thinking of driving it through another [Canadian] Winter makes me cringe. I desperately want us to get an apartment. I don’t feel as though I will feel fully comfortable and at-home until I/we can get into our own place. I need my own kitchen, bathroom, living room and I want the control that paying for your own place brings. I crave the independence and the freedom. I worry that if I cannot find gainful employment that things could get really bad for me [mentally] in the next 6-12 months.
I have been feeling the desire to go home on and off for a few months now. I was fine the first month, perhaps it was the high of moving that got me through that first month because in the months following I have become more and more depressed. I find myself napping to escape the tears. I miss my mom. She drives me nuts sometimes but I miss her company, humour, and conversation. I miss that feeling of being home. If I think about it too much it makes me cry.
I actually have gone as far as to move a few things back over to my moms house with the intent of potentially staying there in the future. If the anxiety gets really bad I may need to go back for awhile. Heck, even without the anxiety I might need to go back. I am getting tired. Tired of feeling invisible and lonely. Tired of days filled with nothing and nights filled hoping to avoid anxiety or sadness. I feel like I was once first on the list and now I feel like I am almost last. I am grateful for my cat, Marble, because she is such a sweet baby. She stays with me when I can’t get out of bed, she makes me laugh at times when I didn’t know I could, she listens and never judges.
I have Therapy tomorrow. I am kind of glad for that because I need to talk to someone, who better then my therapist? As always I am promising myself a Starbucks treat but so far I have not stopped since before Christmas, I remember because I have gift cards FROM CHRISTMAS that I still have not used. Let’s see if tomorrow is any different then the last couple of months…
I also have my Nano Brow appointment this week. I am pretty excited about it and I really hope to vlog it for my YouTube Channel. From what I have read there are only 10 locations in Canada that do Nano Brows and my Eyebrow girl is one of those 10. Nano Brow is more like a tattoo then the Microblading, the ink is deposited deeper under the skin than it is with Microblading and it is said to last up to 5 years. Yes please.
What takes away from my excitement is the drive to get there. It’s worth the drive but it does take me over an hour to get there, over 2 hours round trip. Not my most favourite of commutes but I have done it many times now, I know I will be fine, and I will be so happy when I leave I won’t even care about the drive.
I look forward to Friday. Therapy will be done [till my next appointment], my new brows will be healing, perhaps I will have heard some word regarding that job I really want. I have even promised myself a big treat such as a new haircut if I am lucky enough to snag an interview.
Who knows. I sure don’t. I can only hope, and try to think positive thoughts. Breathe. I will be okay.