The Cat came back the very next Day …

I couldn’t wait till Friday.  I started pre-packing Wednesday and by Thursday morning I said the hell with waiting one more night.

I grabbed only what I thought I would need, including my cat, whom is MUCH HAPPIER here then where I used to live.  And so am I quite honestly.

That 4 days I spent at “home” really opened my eyes.  It has given me a whole new appreciation for the new town that I am staying in, my boyfriend, his family, and this whole “new and improved me” journey that I am on.

As soon as I made the decision to get outta there I felt better.  The more I packed into my van to bring back the better I felt.  Once I realized what I wanted to do it was like a landslide.  Inside of 4 hours I was ready to go.

I was back to my new home before 6pm.  It felt so good.  Better then I ever imagined.  I still don’t know what the hell I was thinking.  I am trying not to think about it but I can’t help myself.  I don’t really know where I got the notion that going home would be fun.  It was not and I don’t think I want to do that again.

I am dreading the lecture I am sure my mother will give me when I reveal that I am staying in my new home.  But she needs to understand that I need to do what I need to do to find my way.  I feel bad and sad that it did not work but what can you do? Stay there and be just as miserable as I remember being before? I can’t.

Being back in my old room reminded me too much of my past self.  The sadness, the emptiness, the anxiety.  I found it to be very triggering.  I had to take an ativan to sleep the first night I was there.  I could not take the lack of sunlight in that room either.  It was very depressing.  I found myself waking up at 10am thinking it was 5am instead of my usual 7-8am wake up time.  I just could not do it.  It is what it is.

I have spent my day cleaning and organizing and putting things away.  Trying to get things back to the way they were (minus the crap I am keeping at my moms for now).  I am trying to get rid of things I do not need or use.  I have just entirely too much crap that I keep lugging back and forth.  And that could quite possibly be a metaphor for my life right there.  I need to stop lugging the shit back and forth.  Enough is enough.

Today is a new day and this is a new chapter.  I need to stop feeling so stupid for my actions and behaviour the last few weeks, accept it, and move on.

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I don’t know what I was thinking

I don’t know what I was thinking.

I thought that I missed my home.  But home has changed, nothing is how it was.  This is not what I wanted nor expected.

I was so excited to come stay here again.  I thought I missed some slice of comfort that I can now see is long gone.

I hate living without my love.  Life just is not the same without him in it.  I can’t wait to see him in a few days.  Quite honestly, it’s the only thing holding me together right now.

I cried all day and all night the first few days I was here.  I think I may have missed the “idea” of “home” and some MAJOR alone time but the reality does not feel as good as the idea initially did.

Part of me wants to be here, I miss my mom and I wanted to take advantage of spending some time with her.  But she too, is different.  Which is fine, that’s life, people change, I am just not used to this new mom I am experiencing.  But then again, maybe it’s me.  I have been actively doing this EMDR Therapy for over a year now and I am just now realizing as I am typing this; it’s not home or mom that has changed, it’s me.  I have changed and I now know that I cannot flourish in this environment.  Too bad it took me bringing back 2 and a half van loads of stuff and partially setting myself up a room to realize that.

I am so grateful that I can see this change and make the decisions I need to make for me. Which is what I thought I was doing, but I was wrong. Oh so very wrong.

I feel like my younger-selves had too much control of the the bus for a few weeks there.  They steered me in a direction that, sure, 10 years ago may have been a solid option, but here, today, in 2017 I am not so sure that this is the right way for my life-bus to be driving.  Now that I am back [home] I see how much better I was getting away.  I mistook (my own personal) anger and confusion as a sign that I need to go and completely dismissed that I am in therapy and that my disassociate tendencies have been playing tricks on me.

I am not the same person I was 3 years ago and I may never be the same.  The need to accept that.  I can’t go back.  I can’t get the years and all the mistakes back.  I can’t right all my wrongs and I need to stop trying to fit myself into who I think I am or who I was.  I am who I am and that is okay.  My heart wants something different now.  I know that there may be a lot of mom lectures in my near future but I need to remember what I want and that I need to stay true to myself now.  I am a full fledged adult.  I hope she realizes I am trying to do what is best for me and it’s okay if she disagrees.  It’s not her call to make anymore.

I feel like a lunatic.  I thought this is what I wanted and as soon as I got here my heart sank.  I tried desperately to not led the dread set in but it indeed bombarded me like a punch to the face.  I love him and I don’t want to live over a half hour away.  I don’t sleep the same without him next to me, I don’t feel like myself, and I have next to no appetite.  I thought living separately was just what I needed.  I don’t really know what I was thinking.  I isolate myself more here.  I get agitated faster here.  I am more prone to anxiety here.  There’s too many damn cats here.  I can’t go anywhere because there is no where to walk to, I am too low on gas to get to town [unnecessarily] and I don’t know what I would go to town for right now anyways.

A few more days.  I have already promised myself  to take myself and my cat back for at least the weekend this coming Friday.  I am so excited for Friday I don’t even know if I will sleep the night before.  I have already started pre-packing.

I just want to go back.  I can’t wait to go back.  I need to go back.

Nano Brows

I got Nano-ed.

It was intense.

But so worth it.

In case you are not aware let me catch you up…

I suffered from “Bad Brows” and “REALLY Bad Brows” after over 15 years of over-plucking.  I managed to grow them back ONCE, about 7 years ago, but after trying to grow them back again from 2013-2016 I realized that inevitably I had done irreversible damage.  They were not growing back.  Not only were they not growing back but I was stuck with MINIMAL natural brows to work with, not to mention the sheer asymmetry of them.

Makeup was fun the first few years.  The “freedom” to change my brow shape, shade, and overall look was very appealing to me.  In the recent years this has felt more like a chore and became more and more necessary if I desired some eyebrows on my face.  It began to make me more and more self conscience about my face, I felt that my lack of brows and/or my waning eyebrow application skills were making me less attractive then I needed to be.  For the most part super thin 90’s brows are NOT attractive.

I had heard of Eyebrow Tattooing many times but I was always very wary of getting a “standard tattoo” on my face.  I also wanted to make sure that I got the best possible brows for my buck and as much as I wanted nice eyebrows I just didn’t trust anyone to do them for me.

I just learned about Microblading a little over a year ago.  My boyfriend’s sister had gone to a Brow Place and though she did not get Microblading, the results were astounding.  Her eyebrows were and are beautiful, I couldn’t stop looking at them.  I wanted them.  I needed them.

I found the Brow Place she went to on Instagram and I learned that her Brow Artist does Mircoblading.  I did not know what that was but after some scrolling and reading I quickly came to the conclusion that it was just what I needed. Since EVERY SINGLE PICTURE was spot on, every eyebrow this girl touches became beautiful, I HAD to have her help me fix my terrible eyebrows.  I felt like she really knows what a perfect, natural brow looks like and that I could trust her fully with my face.

Click here for more information about Microblading.

I wasted very little time contacting this amazing Brow Wizard and before I knew it [6 months later… she is so good I had to wait which was hard but totally fine] I got Microbladed.  It was well worth every minute of waiting and every penny I saved and invested into my face (if memory serves me correctly it was $500 CAD for entire procedure).

Click here to read about my Microblading experience.

Fast forward to 6 months later.  Scrolling good ole Instagram I see that my Eyebrow Artist has a new semi-permenant eyebrow technique and tool that is like Microblading but BETTER.

NANO BROW.

Nano Brows use ultra-sharp nano needles to deposit pigment under the skin.  It also, as far as I have read, is a deeper pigment deposit then Microblading thus is lasts longer (up to 5 years vs 1-3 which can also mean less scar tissue because you don’t need to touch them up as often or at all).  Nano needles are more precise and can actually mimic the look of real hair on the skin.  Since my Microblading was already starting to fade and actually ended up more warm in colour then what I was hoping for I immediately decided that this was to be my next investment.

I thought about it for awhile before making an appointment.  I knew I wanted them but I didn’t know if I could afford them anytime soon.  To my pleasant surprise, because I had Microblading done when I did I was able to take advantage of a promo that my Brow Artist was offering.  It was too good of a deal and way affordable for me.  It was a sign.

So. Long story made a little less longer, I booked.

I had them done yesterday.  Almost exactly 24 hours ago to be exact (1:30-ish pm).  I was actually more nervous about then I thought.  Luckily I took a preventative-ativan before I even left the house, it kept me nice and calm while I waited 15-20 minutes for the numbing cream to take affect.  I was more then fairly warned that it would be painful and I have many tattoos so I knew what kind of pain I was in for.  Some parts were worse then others and it LITERALLY felt like my face was getting tattooed.  I don’t know if the numbing cream worked or not *but* PHEW, that was intense.  There were times I was thinking “it’s okay, it’s not that bad.  Breath.” And other times I was just thinking “ow, ow, ow, OW, ow, ow,ow, OW, OW, OW”.

On the upside it went fast.  It was over in about 1 hour.

As soon as I looked in the mirror I knew it had all been worth it.  My nerves, the drive, the OW factor.  My eyebrows are even better then I ever pictured them to be.

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This photo was taken towards the end of the procedure.

Luckily because of the numbing cream they did not hurt afterwards.  I put on my big sunglasses and a/c and drove for over an hour to get home, happy and proud of myself for doing this for myself.  In the past I would have not only felt that I did not deserve such a service and I was afraid of the drive (into a city I don’t often go to, very busy, I used to find it intimidating).  These days I do feel that I deserve this.  I did it strictly for me and my self esteem.  I needed this to make myself feel better about my outer appearance.  In a lot of ways I am starting over [in life] and feeling less depressed about my outer appearance will help me to pursue my future; school, a new job, whatever it may be.  I have been able to make the trip with no hiccups, in a mini-van no less [the one thing I never wanted to drive], and it isn’t nearly as scary as I would have once thought.  I drove by myself to the city, parked and paid for parking in the city, and took myself to my appointment in the city, all with more confidence and less fear then ever before.

Another step completed in becoming the “new and improved” me.

Now I must muster through the healing process.  Today my eyebrows feel kind of heavy and tired, much like when I had my first Microblading application.  Their not overly tender though I am avoiding touching them at all and I plan to wear my hair back all week.  This afternoon I dabbed them with a lukewarm, damp washcloth and then applied coconut oil.  I washed my face simply by wiping it with a warm washcloth (avoiding my brows!).  I pat dry with a towel and applied some moisturizer, again, avoiding my brows.  I usually use a toner but I skipped it today.  Hec, I might skip it all week.  I cannot get my brows wet for a couple of days nor can I expose them to sunlight or excessive sweat.  And no face sleeping! VERY HARD for me.  But so far so good.

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BEFORE Nano Brow (Microblading done 8 months ago).

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AFTER Nano Brow (mind the blood, I was waiting for her to come and apply aquaphor).

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AFTER both Brows. They were a little tender.

I was told I may NOT need a touch up but if I feel that I need one that it is included in the price if done within 6-8 weeks.  I hope to not need the touch up but if I think I might I will pursue it after healing.  I should know in 2 weeks or so.

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My aftercare instructions.

I can’t wait for 9 days from now when I will see the final appearance of my new Nano Brows.  Doesn’t seem too long to wait though and my Brow Artist told me that healing is easier and/or faster with Nano Brows.  I suppose I will find out over the next 7-10 days.

I have managed to film some clips and I hope to film a few more for a Nano Brow Vlog video that will be available on my YouTube Channel  [hopefully] within the week.

I could not be happier with my overall experience with Microblading and Nano Brow.  I am so happy in fact that I would like to look into learning how to do it.  Again, time will tell.  This week it’s all about healing 🙂

June 12, 2017

It is finally hot.

I already have sunburn in some places.  I actually have a really funny chest-tan line going on, I thought it would be a good idea to wear a strapless bikini top for optimal shoulder-tanning.  Unknown to me it was a little off-centre and now I have a funny, crooked line right above my boobs.  Luckily I did put on sunscreen but I was lazy with the re-application-aside from my face- and now I suffer the consequence.

I got a little confident last week and actually applied for a job.  A job I really want, with a company I love and actually have worked for before in the past.  I actually got a response back within a few days and I was hoping to hear about an interview as early as this week.  I felt really good about myself, life, and the future when I thought I was on track to getting the job.  Now it has been a few days since I have heard anything and thought I keep telling myself “it is only Monday”, I can’t help but worry that either I or my resume or BOTH are off-putting.  This is probably not the case but I tend to jump to conclusions surrounding my insecurities pretty quickly.  I also really really really want this job.  It sounds like it could potentially be my dream job.  Not to mention the doors it would open for me if I did and could get back to working again.  I need to make money.  I need things.  I need to be able to provide for myself and currently I can’t say as though I am able to do that.

I want a newer car.  I never wanted to drive a van but I have been and I am making the best out of it but thinking of driving it through another [Canadian] Winter makes me cringe.  I desperately want us to get an apartment.  I don’t feel as though I will feel fully comfortable and at-home until I/we can get into our own place.  I need my own kitchen, bathroom, living room and I want the control that paying for your own place brings.  I crave the independence and the freedom.  I worry that if I cannot find gainful employment that things could get really bad for me [mentally] in the next 6-12 months.

I have been feeling the desire to go home on and off for a few months now.  I was fine the first month, perhaps it was the high of moving that got me through that first month because in the months following I have become more and more depressed.  I find myself napping to escape the tears.  I miss my mom.  She drives me nuts sometimes but I miss her company, humour, and conversation.  I miss that feeling of being home.  If I think about it too much it makes me cry.

I actually have gone as far as to move a few things back over to my moms house with the intent of potentially staying there in the future.  If the anxiety gets really bad I may need to go back for awhile.  Heck, even without the anxiety I might need to go back.  I am getting tired.  Tired of feeling invisible and lonely.  Tired of days filled with nothing and nights filled hoping to avoid anxiety or sadness.  I feel like I was once first on the list and now I feel like I am almost last.  I am grateful for my cat, Marble, because she is such a sweet baby.  She stays with me when I can’t get out of bed, she makes me laugh at times when I didn’t know I could, she listens and never judges.

I have Therapy tomorrow.  I am kind of glad for that because I need to talk to someone, who better then my therapist? As always I am promising myself a Starbucks treat but so far I have not stopped since before Christmas, I remember because I have gift cards FROM CHRISTMAS that I still have not used.  Let’s see if tomorrow is any different then the last couple of months…

I also have my Nano Brow appointment this week.  I am pretty excited about it and I really hope to vlog it for my YouTube Channel.  From what I have read there are only 10 locations in Canada that do Nano Brows and my Eyebrow girl is one of those 10.  Nano Brow is more like a tattoo then the Microblading, the ink is deposited deeper under the skin than it is with Microblading and it is said to last up to 5 years.  Yes please.

What takes away from my excitement is the drive to get there.  It’s worth the drive but it does take me over an hour to get there, over 2 hours round trip.  Not my most favourite of commutes but I have done it many times now, I know I will be fine, and I will be so happy when I leave I won’t even care about the drive.

I look forward to Friday.  Therapy will be done [till my next appointment], my new brows will be healing, perhaps I will have heard some word regarding that job I really want.  I have even promised myself a big treat such as a new haircut if I am lucky enough to snag an interview.

Who knows.  I sure don’t.  I can only hope, and try to think positive thoughts.  Breathe.  I will be okay.

New Holy Grail Face wash + trying to tame my Mane

Taking care of oneself is essential.  Self care is a huge part of taking care of oneself.  Personally, I enjoy bathing and bathing-related products including skin care and hair care.

Having these items and using these items makes me feel good, even if only for a short period of time.  A nice new shampoo and conditioner combo and/or face care products make me happy.  My most recent “self care” purchase was small but mighty.

I purchased OgX’s “Quenching Coconut Curls” shampoo and conditioner as well as Soap & Glory’s Face Soap and Clarity 3-in-1 Daily Detox Vitamin C Facial Wash.  Both were items that so happened to catch my eye the night before on good ole’ Pinterest.  And, in my defence I have been looking for something to tame my waves/curly/frizzy hair as well as a new face wash that would not dry my skin out too much but that also would not make my face feel as though it had not been washed.  All of these products seemed pretty promising and had a lot of great reviews so the next morning I got up and walked to my local Shoppers Drug Mart to find my new inspiration to shower.

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If nothing else, I have found my new favourite holy-grail face wash.  I LOVE this face wash SO MUCH, I am so happy now that I walked around the Cosmetics aisle a good 4x trying to find Soap & Glory.  It retails for about $22.00 CAD which is not bad considering the amount you get.  It is a pretty generous helping of face wash that will last because you only need a pea-sized amount to get a good lather going.  It smells fantastic (to me) and I thoroughly enjoy washing my face every morning and night with this product.

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Good for all skin types and is actually NOT a soap but a complexion-friendly, non drying foaming facial wash.  It smells great and leaves my skin feeling clean and refreshed but not tight, dry, or irritated.  It has caused me zero breakouts (which is something short of a miracle) and actually helped heal some spots that I was battling.   It also has “polishing micro beads” which is a nice little exfoliating bonus.  I give this face wash a solid 5 lipsticks out of 5.

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It is definitely my new favourite and something I will hands down repurchase more than once.

 

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This shampoo and conditioner is lovely but in all honesty did not WOW me like the face wash did.  It smells amazing (if your into coconut) but it did not tame my waves/frizz nearly as much as I had hoped it would.  It is possible that I was just expecting entirely too much out of this product.  I like it but I don’t love it.  I am also not as hip on coconut as I once was which is no fault of the product.  I like it enough to continue using it and I want to try more from this line in the future.  For me the price point was a little high at $12.99 each (and wouldn’t you know a few days after I made this purchase this whole line of products went on sale for @$6.99, just my luck).  All said and done I would give this shampoo and conditioner 3 lipsticks out of 5.

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It’s good but it’s not great and for the price (when it is not on sale), I feel that I can get more bang for my buck at Sally Beauty, namely with the 180 Pro line, if I am being completely honest.

Granted I was a smidge disappointed with the frizz-taming abilities of my new shampoo and conditioner, the face wash alone has me so pleased that it’s kind of okay.  I actually kind of have the urge to go buy like, 5 to put away.

The way he looked at Me

The way he looked at me the other night made my heart sad.

The way he looked at me was not the way he used to look at me.

Once caring, accepting, and loving windows to his soul now seem dulled, annoyed, and fed up.

With me.

I want to ask “do you still love me?” but I am afraid my heart might explode if the answer is no.

I feel like I am losing him.

I don’t know what I did wrong.  Everything seemed so right.

I cry into the night and pray that it will all be alright.