Can’t trust that day.
In Monday’s defence, I have been in a terrible mood since yesterday morning, possibly even as far back as Saturday, I cannot remember. Ugh. I knew it was coming. I usually tend to de-fragmentate a few days in not 24 hours after therapy so making it until the end of the week is epic, it feels epic. I just hate being back to I-hate-myself-and-everything-and-every-decision-I-ever-made mood. I hate it. I don’t even like being in my own brain when it’s like this.
I am sad because in even though I am moving forward I feel stuck. I am currently stuck in my financial situation. I am currently stuck in my housing situation. And for now, today, I feel as though I can’t do much about it [right this literal second].
I do have future plans/goals to pursue school (AGAIN!), and I hope that this ’round of college serves me better then the 2 rounds I already ran. I am so worried about this ending up like those other times but at the same time I feel inner relief when I think about the courses I am looking to take. This time it really feels like me. I am choosing my path. Not my mom, not my anxiety, not my million-and-one what if’s? It’s all me. And if all else fails at least I am gaining my way back into society and I am learning new skills. I like to learn and I feel I am yearning to learn, to learn a way out of the life I thought I was doomed to.
Today was a lovely sunny day and I spent most if it in bed, in track pants, not wanting to deal with the world. At all. I managed to re-schedule a dental appointment so that was a win. I don’t go until October now. I am sure I will regret that come October but today I am pretty a-ok with it. I try to keep ontop of my 6-month dental checkups but the dentist stresses me out BIG TIME. Every couple of years (and good checkups) I let myself skip an appointment or 2 just so I don’t worry about the dentist. Strange too because I have pretty average dental hygiene (not super-fantastic but not horrible either) and I have not had a cavity in well over 2 years now, I should not be worried. But I always do.
I had a mid-afternoon nap. HUGE MISTAKE. I woke up so cranky and anxious I was literally nauseated. My love had a baseball practice I did [in theory] want to attend so I popped an ativan, got dressed, and off we went. Again. MISTAKE. I felt so out of it all the way to the field plus I felt angry, angry over things I have no control over right now. I should have stayed home and had a bad or continued to nap but that is not what I did. We got to the field and what was previously a pretty lovely day had turned into a pretty though VERY CHILLY evening. I was dressed pretty well and I immediately knew I was screwed for warmth. I had decided 2 innings into the practice that I was going to go sit in my van. At least it would be warm there.
Who knows how many innings later and I am still standing outside, fracking freezing. One of the guys lady friends came out late and being that we were the only 2 non-players we got to chatting and joking and I seemed to momentarily forget my horrid mood. She was so funny and just kept me laughing that by the end of the game I had almost completely forgotten about my mood. I have never met her before nor did I get her name but I liked her and I hope to see her at the games over the summer. She has a great sense of humour which is top notch in my books. I could use a baseball-watching friend.
Now it is almost 11, my kitty is laying beside me, I have had a few shots [of Disorronno – one of the ONLY things I will drink], I’ve got some warm comfies on and I feel better. I don’t know what tomorrow morning will hold but for now I feel better. I don’t feel so stressed or sad. It’s still there, I am just not feeling it so much. Tomorrow is a fresh day, a new start- might even be the day I actually APPLY for school *pretty please with a cherry on top*.
I don’t know what going to school will do to my future but I am too afraid to find out what not going will do so I know I want to go. I need to try.
Well. I have hit that wall of tired and I must crawl into my bed with my love and our fur baby. I must think positive thoughts and stop dwelling on the past. The past is long gone and the future is fairly near, and the future is in my hands now. It’s up to me to put in the work to reap the reward. Literally and metaphorically speaking.
Until we meet again my friends,
Take care & STaY GRooVY ❤