For the first time in my life I feel as though I might actually be on the right track. It has taken me a lot of time, therapy, tears, and frustration to get to this point. I am starting over and it’s ok. This time it will be different.
The more I proceed with my EMDR Therapy the more put-together I am feeling. It is slow and sometimes I only feel put-together for a few hours or days before I am back to feeling all over the place but regardless, the feeling is there. And it is a wonderful feeling.
When I am in this put-together state of mind I am easily able to do things and make decisions, I get excited about my future and I cannot wait to pursue it. This is what is so new and different for me. I have never really given the future much thought in the past, I just kind of acted on impulse, even at times when I thought that I wasn’t, I was. For the first time, possibly ever, I am thinking about my future, who I want to be, and how to get there – and in a positive light no less. I am so used to looking at everything with such a negative spin that to think and see my future in a positive way is so very refreshing, relieving, and new.
I know this feeling may not/will not last long. I always hope it does and still I am always surprised to find myself back in a depressed and negative state of mind. One day the positive me will stay [I am assured almost EVERY Therapy session] and my negative self will not be so prevalent. I look forward to that day SO MUCH. It’s part of what keeps me in therapy. The other part is fear of becoming a very bitter and lonely person. I was starting to go that way and let me tell you, it is NOT FUN. For a long time I felt that I wanted to be alone and that I deserved to be bitter. I had long accepted that this was to be my lot in life, to get more angry and sad as years went by. I am happy to say that at 33 I am just realizing that it is NOT my lot in life to be alone, sad, bitter, and angry. Not only is it not a good look on anybody, but it is a horribly miserable world to live in. It is one full of self-loathing and destruction.
It has taken me my entire life to get here, to a place I did not even know could exist. A place full of self-love, self-trust, happiness, safety, and positive self-reassurance. I can almost taste the freedom of my new self, a self I never even knew I had.
I finally feel as though I am blooming, my new life is starting as it has gotten all too painful to remain closed tightly in a bud. A bud that was created to keep me safe in times when I was so very unsafe, a bud that I thought I needed around me in order to avoid more heartbreak. A bud that I am starting to no longer need or want. That my friends is something so special, so new, so different then all the other times I thought I was on my way to mental-wellness.