Ahh April. It’s a new month, we are in a new season, and I am living in a new space. The sun is out today and I feel like I could use a pick-me-up.
I want to walk to a hair place that is close by and get something fresh done with my ‘do. I have been noticing that I seem to always gravitate toward this same look. Blonde on top, Black or whatever on the bottom, and a super-fried shag. I loved this look 10 years ago, hec probably MORE then 10 years ago now, and I am ready for a change. Ever since I added Violet aka Blackish-Blueish-kinda-not-so-violet to my hair [a few weeks ago] I have been HATING IT. I got my mom [an ex-stylist] to trim some of my shaggy layers thinking that would help. It didn’t. The top looks and feels pretty good but my bottom 2-4 inches is just nasty. It is so broken and fried that you can almost see through it. That is NOT HOT.
I have saved oodles of pictures to my phone for months now of haircuts that I like. Their all mostly the same type of cut so clearly I like it but I am afraid I will hate it on me. As much as I want to update my look I am so afraid to do it. I worry I will hate it more if I cut it but at the same time I am hating it now so what do I have to lose? I hate washing it these days, I HATE styling it – I just threw away my blow-drying brush and I am just about ready to chuck my straightener. I love a good blow out but I just keep failing doing mine. I am hating the straightener. Straight hair was so 10-15 years ago, I am sick of seeing it on myself. I look the same, pretty much, as I did in 2010 (hair wise). I chopped it all off a la pixie in 2014 and loved it for all of 2 seconds. I cried for months but I did it because I was SUPPOSED TO grow it back au natural. That did not happen and here I am, crispy, fried, over-dyed and frizzy. As usual.
I am mad at myself for not doing what I originally set out to do which was grow out my natural hair and start over. I am also embarrassed that I don’t seem to have the willpower to not dye my hair. I know I need to stop colouring it again and I want to stop. At least stop anything that isn’t highlights or a nice blonde. I like highlights and I like certain shades of blonde [on me].
I realize also that the reason that I have continued to dye and fry my hair is due to therapy and my mental health journey. Anytime anything happens I feel the need to dye my hair. It needs to stop.
I don’t feel pretty or fab in anyway lately with my hair. It is not complimenting my face or skin. I don’t want to spend an hour or 2 styling it anymore. I used to enjoy spending hours frilling with my hair. I have more important things I wish to use my time on. So, since I don’t trust myself to do anymore DIY hair stuff and I could use a pick-me-up I am trying to convince myself that I CAN and SHOULD go get my hair done. I have only had it done in a salon environment 3x in my life. I can’t afford colour which is fine right now but I am pretty sure I can afford a trim/new style.
Will I do it? I do not know. I want to but I may need to sit here and encourage myself for a few more hours.
I hate my hair and I need some new hair but I am too afraid to go and ask for what I want. Let’s see where this potentially takes us.