Month: April 2017

To My Dearest Followers

I wish to sincerely thank each and every one of you for following my blog.  Every new follow makes my day and I appreciate it so very much more then you can ever know or that I can ever thank you for.  You inspire me in so many ways. I hope that this is the beginning of a long and lovely friendship.

I must apologize for my occasional slowness in answering comments, each and every one touches my heart and again, I must thank you all for your kindness and acceptance.  I must also apologize for my occasional absence.  Sometimes my depression and anxiety keeps me from doing what I love and allows me to constantly question and judge myself. Fear not, I will always be back [unless otherwise stated].

I have so many blog post ideas and plans that it almost overwhelms me at times but I genuinely look forward to creating more.  And I plan on creating more.  The more EMDR I complete the more unified I feel and it makes me want to pursue and create a life I love.

I hope you are all here for the ride and I look forward to everything the future holds for us.

I wish you all the best and most positive vibes!

Take care of yourselves and as always, STaY GRooVY!

My New Favourite Shampoo & Conditioner

I recently purchased Garnier’s Whole Blends Shampoo and Conditioner in “Honey Treasures”.  I am a HUGE fan of honey and honey flavoured or scented things.  I walked by this in the store and it caught my eye, I literally stopped and backed up a few steps to go back and inspect.

whole blends 1

To my delight this product line claimed to “heal and protect” and that is something my hair can ALWAYS use.  Healing and protection. PRO.

This product also claims to be paraben free and made with natural extracts.  Never a bad thing.  Another PRO.

Made with Royal Jelly, Honey, and Propolis Extract – most of which I am really not familiar with the exception of the honey… but sounds good and smells UH-MAZE-ING.  I could literally wash my whole self with this scent and then spritz some on for fun – if there was a spritz-on scent available.  There is not.

whole blends 3

It lathers really well and leaves my hair feeling clean but not overly dried out like most drugstore shampoos do [that are not for severely dry or damaged hair].  The scent is just lovely jubilee.  I really cannot get enough.  It was quite literally the deciding factor.  The conditioner is rich and creamy, it is not one of those run-right-out-of-your-hands-I’m-so-thin conditioners (I’m looking AT YOU Tresemee!).  It left my hair feeling soft in and out of the shower.  I let my hair air dry for the most part and some of my natural wavy curls came poking through.  More PROS.

whole blends 2

One last PRO – It was only $4.99 (CDN/ea.) and with my Shoppers Optimum Points I used I pretty much got these products for free (thank you Shoppers Optimum Card!!! LOVE that thing).

I plan to continue using this and I would like to pick up the deep conditioning mask as well.  I feel this is something I would repurchase in the future, especially if I see it on sale (I loves to nab a good sale!).

One small note, I did find that though these products are supposedly “paraben free”, my dyed-black [areas of my] hair did bleed in the shower.  Now for me personally this is a bit of a PRO.  I knew going in to this endeavour (of buying a more affordable shampoo and conditioner) that there was this possibility and I am ok with that.  I want my dyed black hair to fade out a bit, I find it just a little too harsh too close to my pale pale face.  I think in the future I would prefer black tips instead.  And now I am getting slightly off topic…

All in all I would rate this line a solid 4 out of 5 lipsticks for it’s price point, quality, and amazing scent.

4 lipsticks out of 5_iDiV2

 

It loses a lipstick point for it’s potential risk to dyed hair because even though I like it I don’t know how far it will go in terms of rinsing away colour.

 

April 25, 2016

I had to take another Ativan tonight.  I just could not shake the looming feeling that anxiety was coming.

I am frustrated.  I am frustrated with myself and my “new” environment.  I am doubting myself again.  I feel lonely a lot, even when there are people around.  Could be a little dissociation problem, could be something else that I don’t want to deal with right now.

In attempts to clear my head earlier today I went to Shoppers Drug Mart.  I needed Q-tips and I wanted to spend some time with me doing what me likes.  I walked up and down my favourite aisles- cosmetics, skin care, hair care, and chocolate – and I just enjoyed being with myself.  I miss that.  Taking myself out just to take some time to be with me.  I decided to treat myself to some new shampoo and conditioner.  After price and scent comparisons, ultimately I chose Garnier’s [somewhat] new line of Whole Blends.  It was on sale for $4.99 CDN (each, on sale) and the “Honey Treasures” smelled so AH-MAH-ZiNG I had to have it in my life.  SO.  GOOD.

whole blends 1

I remembered I wanted that Ralph Lauren perfume that was on sale but upon smelling it for the first time in ohhhh 15 years, I swiftly changed my mind.  It took me right back to high school, back to a place where I did not feel safe, back to a place that I don’t like to think about.  It reminded me of my youth in a really really bad way.  I am so glad I didn’t get purchase-happy and just buy it for nostalgia purposes, I would have never wanted to wear it.

The Cosmetician on shift asked me if I needed any assistance and I politely smiled and said “no thanks, just checking out the sales”. Pffft.  That was a mistake.  She began telling me about how there are some lipsticks and mascaras on sale – neither of which I was shopping for nor do I need – but not wanting to be rude I listened [kind of] of then tried to politely exit said convo.  I was feeling particularly awkward as I was engaged in me-mode and was not looking to talk to anyone.  No offence intended to her of course, she was just doing her job. And I was just feeling like quietly browsing.  It’s therapeutic in a way.  I need to wear a sign – SHY INTROVERT SHOPPING. I’M GOOD THANKS! GO AWAY.

I made my way down the skincare aisle and I noticed, to my delight, that Neutrogena products were on sale. Score! That Benzoyl Peroxide Cleanser I have been eyeing for a few weeks was finally on sale! Though I have not had bad acne since my stint with Accutane a good decade ago now, I am still paranoid of breakouts and still get the odd little problem crop up.  So, I like to keep at least one acne-wash on hand at all times.  I have been wanting the Pro-Active face cleanser for ages but I only want to cleanser, I don’t want all the other things it comes with.  I like Pro-Active because it is one of the few products that use Benzoyl Peroxide which, for me, has always worked better then the usual Salicylic Acid products.  This Neutrogena “Rapid Clear”, ahem, “Paste” cleanser has Benzoyl Peroxide and at $9.99 CDN (on sale) will due in place of Pro-Active. Yes, it can be very drying, therefore, YES, I will need to moisturize.  For now I am trying it out using my Clinique Gel-Moisturizer but I will need to find something with a decent SPF soon.  Beach season is barreling towards me!

facewash

On my way home I FINALLY stopped in at one of the three Thrift Stores that are here in town.  I have not been thrifting in ages and though the store was pretty small, I spend a large amount of time in there.  I was looking for a blue denim jacket- preferably Levi’s but not the be all end all if it’s not.  I did not find any denim but I did find a Garage pullover with a cowl-neck hoodie – could be my new fave. I also found a hot pinky-orange leopard-printy skirt that I could probably also wear as a dress.  Feels like a jersey material and has a nice elastic waistband.  An elderly couple was shopping too and the woman says to me “oh my THAT is CUTE!” whilst I was holding the skirt up to myself, I smiled and said “Oh I know! and so perfect for summer!”.  I also said something about how thats why I LOVE the thrift store, you never know what you are going to find! She agreed and told me she comes in almost every day.  I have no problem talking to old folks especially at the thrift or grocery store but other people in other places cause me awkwardness.  *Personal Observation*.

The last item I picked up for myself was another tea cup and saucer.  I could not help myself.  I have a problem. Cups, Mugs, and Chairs.  I have ’em, I collect ’em, and I seem to gravitate towards ’em.  So, gravitate I did.  I looked over the glassware twice and had just about decided that I would get nothing when I saw a sweet looking set of teacups and saucers.  When I investigated them further I saw that they were hand-painted (SO COOL!) and they are both microwave and dishwasher safe. I have neither but hey, always a plus with mugs and such.  One day I will have a dishwasher and microwave.

teacup1

I bought one set.  One cup and one saucer.  Yes, I am considering walking back tomorrow to buy at least one more.  Or the whole damn set.  I don’t need more then one right now but I could use another one for backup and if I were to entertain ever I would like to have some matching cups and saucers to whip out.  It was only $2 for a set so it’s not like I’d be breaking the bank.  We will see.  I will sleep on it.

I felt really good for that brief amount of time that I was out and about.  The sun had come out in time for my walk home.  I was so hot having worn my winter coat again like a crazy person.  I came right home and threw on my flip flops.  Shortly afterwards I showered and used my new products which was a fun little treat.  I also did a load of laundry so that I could wear my new pullover hoodie asap.

My love even got me out for a long early-evening walk which I very much did enjoy.  I managed to walk more then my daily goal steps on my cell phone app (LG Health) and apparently I walked over 6km! That alone should have made me happier then it did.  Our travels led us down a lot of old streets, I could see years stamped in the sidewalk every so often, 1958, 1962.  So many years, so many people have walked up and down these sideways, where were they they going? What were they doing? I keep meaning to start taking pictures of these historical marks.  It’s neat.

When we were making our way home we took a little detour through town and stopped at 7Eleven.  Oh thank heaven for 7Eleven.  Have always and will always love the slush.  We got a large Crush Cream Soda Slush to share.  It was so pretty and pink and delicious. I shoulda snapped a picture but I didn’t… Perhaps next time… because it won’t be long until there is another one.

And then slowly but surely the dread and sadness began to creep in.  I found myself becoming easily irritated and on edge.  I had a pretty awesome day all in all.  I am not really sure why …. wait…. I think it has just hit me why.  After writing and reading and thinking I think I see the problem.  Something is triggering me here.  In the evenings and at night time I often feel triggered.  Not 100% sure of what said trigger is but now realizing there MUST be a trigger I can be a little more aware of it, NOTE TO SELF.  Be on the look out.

I hope I don’t wake up wanting to spend my day in bed.

Feels like it could be a sleep-my-worries-away kinda day tomorrow.  Who knows.  I don’t know.  Hopefully I am wrong.

Always hoping for sunshine and good vibes.

Stay GRooVY my friends.

Goodnight.

April 24, 2017

Monday.

Monday.

Can’t trust that day.

In Monday’s defence, I have been in a terrible mood since yesterday morning, possibly even as far back as Saturday, I cannot remember.  Ugh. I knew it was coming.  I usually tend to de-fragmentate a few days in not 24 hours after therapy so making it until the end of the week is epic, it feels epic.  I just hate being back to I-hate-myself-and-everything-and-every-decision-I-ever-made mood.  I hate it.  I don’t even like being in my own brain when it’s like this.

I am sad because in even though I am moving forward I feel stuck.  I am currently stuck in my financial situation.  I am currently stuck in my housing situation. And for now, today, I feel as though I can’t do much about it [right this literal second].

I do have future plans/goals to pursue school (AGAIN!), and I hope that this ’round of college serves me better then the 2 rounds I already ran.  I am so worried about this ending up like those other times but at the same time I feel inner relief when I think about the courses I am looking to take.  This time it really feels like me.  I am choosing my path.  Not my mom, not my anxiety, not my million-and-one what if’s? It’s all me.  And if all else fails at least I am gaining my way back into society and I am learning new skills.  I like to learn and I feel I am yearning to learn, to learn a way out of the life I thought I was doomed to.

Today was a lovely sunny day and I spent most if it in bed, in track pants, not wanting to deal with the world. At all.  I managed to re-schedule a dental appointment so that was a win.  I don’t go until October now.  I am sure I will regret that come October but today I am pretty a-ok with it.  I try to keep ontop of my 6-month dental checkups but the dentist stresses me out BIG TIME.  Every couple of years (and good checkups) I let myself skip an appointment or 2 just so I don’t worry about the dentist.  Strange too because I have pretty average dental hygiene (not super-fantastic but not horrible either) and I have not had a cavity in well over 2 years now, I should not be worried.  But I always do.

I had a mid-afternoon nap.  HUGE MISTAKE. I woke up so cranky and anxious I was literally nauseated.  My love had a baseball practice I did [in theory] want to attend so I popped an ativan, got dressed, and off we went.  Again. MISTAKE.  I felt so out of it all the way to the field plus I felt angry, angry over things I have no control over right now.  I should have stayed home and had a bad or continued to nap but that is not what I did.  We got to the field and what was previously a pretty lovely day had turned into a pretty though VERY CHILLY evening.  I was dressed pretty well and I immediately knew I was screwed for warmth.  I had decided 2 innings into the practice that I was going to go sit in my van.  At least it would be warm there.

Who knows how many innings later and  I am still standing outside, fracking freezing. One of the guys lady friends came out late and being that we were the only 2 non-players we got to chatting and joking and I seemed to momentarily forget my horrid mood.  She was so funny and just kept me laughing that by the end of the game I had almost completely forgotten about my mood.  I have never met her before nor did I get her name but I liked her and I hope to see her at the games over the summer.  She has a great sense of humour which is top notch in my books.  I could use a baseball-watching friend.

Now it is almost 11, my kitty is laying beside me, I have had a few shots [of Disorronno – one of the ONLY things I will drink], I’ve got some warm comfies on and I feel better.  I don’t know what tomorrow morning will hold but for now I feel better.  I don’t feel so stressed or sad.  It’s still there, I am just not feeling it so much.  Tomorrow is a fresh day, a new start- might even be the day I actually APPLY for school *pretty please with a cherry on top*.

I don’t know what going to school will do to my future but I am too afraid to find out what not going will do so I know I want to go.  I need to try.

Well.  I have hit that wall of tired and I must crawl into my bed with my love and our fur baby.  I must think positive thoughts and stop dwelling on the past.  The past is long gone and the future is fairly near, and the future is in my hands now.  It’s up to me to put in the work to reap the reward.  Literally and metaphorically speaking.

Until we meet again my friends,

Take care & STaY GRooVY ❤

April 22, 2017

I woke up in a terrible mood this morning.  I felt fantastic yesterday.  I had hoped that perhaps I could avoid falling into the pit of depression, anxiety, and defragmentation but it happened again.

I have been grouchy all day.  My poor boyfriend being the sole receiver of my nasty mood.  We went for a walk and I wanted to go to Shoppers, as usual.  We did and that perfume I wanted is indeed on sale, I went over to it and picked up a box but put it back because I really could’t afford that $20.00 this morning.  That saddened me.  I felt like I was getting paid this week but payday is not until next week- I knew that, I just had some illusion I had more money then I really do.

Coffee was on sale at Shoppers which almost boost my blue mood until nowhere could I see the McCafe Coffee that I like.  That just made me more sad.  I was obtaining nothing on my list(s).  I ended up buying 2 packs of mini-eggs (because I’m addicted) and one cookies and cream chocolate bar.  The chocolate bar I promptly opened and scarfed down like my inner chunky self.  I get down and I lose my appetite but CLEARLY I still have an appetite for chocolate.

The sun was out and chocolate was on my breath.  I should be in a much better mood.  We walked along the Canal and over the West St. bridge into [the crappy part of] town.  Cute houses (with potential) but kind of a depressing area.  That did not really help my mood.  I was also getting hot in my Uggs and winter coat I thought I needed when we first left the house.

Upon coming home we stopped at the grocery store where I found both the coffee I like and the tea I like and I picked up both.  Neither were on sale (which I hate!) but I could not risk running out.  No, no, no.  As soon as we got in I promptly made myself a delicious coffee.  It has been a few hours now and I am still working on it… it’s a little cold but that’s ok.

Marble doesn’t seem to be feeling well this evening.  She has thrown up twice – no signs of anything super unusual for cat throw up though.  I have promised myself I will not panic unless she is still like this by Monday.  This has happened before and I literally panicked because my cat puked a few times.  She isn’t being herself but she isn’t as miserable as I have seen her.  I will feel a million times better when she snaps back to her normal tuna-lovin’ self.  I hate when my fur baby isn’t feeling good.

I have no idea what to do with myself tonight.  I am fighting an easily-annoyed mood I can feel coming on.  Oh yes and I am doing laundry.  Trying to keep up with it and make sure I don’t end up with a mountain of dirty laundry and no clean undies.  It has happened all too many times before.  I’d like to go for another walk, the sun is out and it’s a nice evening.  We will see.  I will see how I feel after dinner, if I even eat dinner.

*****

It’s been a few hours.  I had french onion soup for dinner and a taste of chicken parm. My Marbie still isn’t feeling herself but she has been up and about and making eye contact so that is an improvement.  She is sleeping on my boyfriend’s mom’s bed now.  I am almost finished laundry and I have come to the conclusion that 2 coffees is too many for me in one day.  I may have mentioned or hypothesized this before but now I know, it’s too much caffeine. That combined with my mixed-emotions state of mind is making me feel anxious.

I am not unhappy here [where I am living] but I am not as happy as I thought I would be.  I am struggling less then I thought with anxiety then I thought but at the same time the “I don’t know how long I can do this” feeling has started.  I will see how summer goes and if any improvement is made.

Oh! I totally forgot – I started a Snapchat thing.  I have no idea what I am doing or even how to work Snap at all so ya, good luck me.  I am pretty sure I set my name to idreaminvintage if your are interested.  I am still super lost but I figured out how to put up a profile pic so that’s a start.

I think that’s all I’ve got for today.

I am going to be super lazy on this crisp, Saturday eve.

I hope to be in a better mood tomorrow.

I also hope again for sunshine and some double digit temps.

Goodnight.

April 21, 2017

Today was an extremely dull, grey, and cold day.  It looked like it could rain almost all day save for that 5 minutes the sun tried to peek out.

I woke up around 9am this morning and shortly after feeding Marble her Tuna I went back to bed and slept until after 11am.  I try not to make a habit out of going back to bed like that but I could tell by the weather this morning that it was going to be a boring day.  Everybody else was still sleeping, even the cat.

Eventually Joel and I got up and I made myself a delish McCafe coffee in the fancy-shmancy Tassimo (LOVE that thing!).  I think I actually had 2 coffees today in attempt to stay awake which is risky.  Sometimes too much caffeine is not kind to me, it makes me too edgy which can lead me to anxiety.  That happened the other day so yesterday I tried to steer clear of coffee all day.  So far so good today…. Oh wait. I lied.  I felt a little funky earlier this evening and I took an ativan just to be safe.  So far, since moving, I have been lucky to escape any [major] panic or anxiety attacks.  I have had a few [minor] episodes, there have been a few nights that I could not stop crying, and I have thrown up once but all in all it has not been the nightmare I originally thought it was going to be [mentally].

I can’t believe that May 1st marks 2 months of being moved out of my mom’s house.  It feels good.  I am having more good days then bad (lately anyways).  Since my therapy appointment this week I have been feeling pretty good too so that’s a plus.  I usually feel pretty good after therapy but usually by the time I go back in 2 weeks I am falling apart again.

Oh my manta – how could I forget the most exciting thing I have done all day?!

I – in theory – applied for school tonite.  I still have to pay for my application to be submitted but I filled out my info and I have it all ready to go.  I might have to wait until payday but at least it is done and ready.  I am applying for 2 different programs because after some thought and consideration I am torn between 2.  Both are 2 year programs, one with the option to do a 3rd year and obtain a diploma or certificate in Public Relations ( I can’t remember which).  I am leaning towards the program that will allow me to come back for PR even though that adds another year bringing the total to 3 years of school.  I feel like I like the job prospects better then the other program I first thought I was interested in.  I still need to overthink it for a week until I get paid but whatcanyoudo?

Joel and I have been going on nightly walks to 7Eleven lately.  We went last night around midnight and bought one Pepsi slushy to share.  It was a chilly walk but I enjoyed it and I really wanted a Pepsi slush.  I felt not-so-hot last night and I think it could have been mild indigestion or heartburn or just me being over paranoid about feeling sick, I am not really sure, but I knew I needed a Pepsi slush.  I crawled right into bed and under the heating blanket.  A few nights before last we went to 7Eleven around the same time for a Dr. Pepper Slush and a few Taquitos that we shared on the walk home.  I so enjoy these little walks.  We have been walking a lot and I feel like it helps me to feel better.  We probably aren’t going tonite because it is cold and we have spent enough money on snacks and slushies this week.

I have been trying to wash my hair less.  It is getting long again and I am starting to hate washing it.  It turns into such a chore.  Tonite was wash-nite.  It is the second wash night now that I did NOT use my blow dryer, I am letting my hair dry naturally, something I usually avoid doing.  I avoid it for 2 reasons: I hate wet hair on the back of my neck and I like to style my fringe area a certain way.  I am trying to just deal with the wet hair and I am creatively using clips to make my fringe dry the right way.

I am getting tired.  It almost midnight now.  I also feel snacky.  Oh and I meant to make a cup of tea when I started this.  Oh well.  Perhaps one more cigarette and then off to bed for me.  I am really hoping for some sunshine tomorrow and a nice, long, walk.  Oh and I want to go to Shoppers Drug Mart because there is a perfume I might want on sale for $19.99.

Ok I am starting to babble.

I’m done.

Welcome to my Journal.

Let’s see what the next chapter of life has in store for me.

Best Bag #WorldFamous #newfave

I have been searching for one of these bags for YEARS!

I had one like it when I was in 9th grade (circa 1999), that I bought with my Dad at an Army Surplus store in Toronto.  Over a decade and a few moves and too many “wardrobe makeovers” to count later and I have no idea what ever happened to my original canvas messenger bag.

This one I found recently online and literally could not order it fast enough :

bestbag
My “World Famous” Canvas Messenger Bag.

It is UNBELIEVABLY AFFORDABLE at $12.99 CDN and comes in 4 awesome shades! I purchased mine from GorillaSurplus.com in the shade “khaki”, which is actually more of a yellow – which I like  – I swear my mom had one JUST LIKE THIS back in the 80’s.  It is also available in black, light blue, and army green – I LOVE THEM ALL.  I WANT THEM ALL.

This bag is made from tear resistant canvas, has an adjustable, removable shoulder strap, and heavy duty metal tips and loops.  It is very lightweight and holds everything I need.  The biggest CON I have found [for me] with this bag is that there are no extra pockets.  Well, its a bit of a PRO and a CON actually.  I love the simplicity of just one compartment that is only large enough for me to carry my essentials but at the same time I hate that there isn’t just one inside pocket for my keys or tampons or whatever.  I have improvised with a small makeup bag for all the little bits I don’t need cluttering up my bag.

I like that this bag is small enough to make me carry less but large enough to carry more then I need.  It is strong enough for me to carry cans of Nestea iced tea in there, though that is really starting to weigh on my shoulder(s). Pun intended.

It makes me smile because it is almost the exact same bag as I had in high school.  The one I had in high school wasn’t a World Famous bag though and it cost less.  About $8 CDN at the time.  I am not complaining by any means, for $12.99 I can actually afford to buy another one (if I feel the need… I do like the black – it matches everything!).  And being canvas it is easy to clean should I spill anything in there… I spilled Ranch Dressing in a purse once.  Very unpleasant.  And in a not-easy-to-clean Purse either.

I love this bag SO MUCH I don’t want most of my other purses.  They are not-so-functional for my life.  Unsure if I want the clutter of a crap-ton of purses I don’t need, I am considering selling some online.  Key word here is CONSIDERING.  I am sure I will blog about it if I decide that selling purses is a route that I actually take.  I could use the money to put towards applying for school and my poor, once-loved bags can once again be used and enjoyed… Just a thought.  I feel kind of bad for the little buggers, just sitting in the attic in their Rubbermaid containers.

I like to walk around town, wether I am shopping, taking photos (with my phone), or playing tourist in the historical district, this bag has been a comfortable and functional companion.  Admittedly the front loops can be a little fiddly to work with but again, this is both a PRO and a CON.  At least I know my stuff won’t fall out nor should I fall victim to  any pick-pocketing/pursing.  And as fiddly as the loops can be it sure beats farting around with a stubborn zipper, especially whilst one is checking out and needs to fetch one’s wallet… Yep, been there, done that.

All in all an excellent buy.  I am a very happy and satisfied customer and I will most likely purchase from Gorilla Surplus again. I would rate this bag a solid 5 lipsticks out of 5 for quality, price point, quick shipping and making me smile.

5 out of 5 lipsticks_iDiV

Now.  The Sun is trying to emerge and I am in need of Chocolate.  I bid you adieu.

Happy Friday my friends!

Stay GRooVY 🙂

 

A New and Different Beginning

For the first time in my life I feel as though I might actually be on the right track.  It has taken me a lot of time, therapy, tears, and frustration to get to this point.  I am starting over and it’s ok.  This time it will be different.

The more I proceed with my EMDR Therapy the more put-together I am feeling.  It is slow and sometimes I only feel put-together for a few hours or days before I am back to feeling all over the place but regardless, the feeling is there.  And it is a wonderful feeling.

When I am in this put-together state of mind I am easily able to do things and make decisions, I get excited about my future and I cannot wait to pursue it.  This is what is so new and different for me.  I have never really given the future much thought in the past, I just kind of acted on impulse, even at times when I thought that I wasn’t, I was.  For the first time, possibly ever, I am thinking about my future, who I want to be, and how to get there – and in a positive light no less.  I am so used to looking at everything with such a negative spin that to think and see my future in a positive way is so very refreshing, relieving, and new.

I know this feeling may not/will not last long.  I always hope it does and still I am always surprised to find myself back in a depressed and negative state of mind.  One day the positive me will stay [I am assured almost EVERY Therapy session] and my negative self will not be so prevalent.  I look forward to that day SO MUCH.  It’s part of what keeps me in therapy.  The other part is fear of becoming a very bitter and lonely person.  I was starting to go that way and let me tell you, it is NOT FUN.  For a long time I felt that I wanted to be alone and that I deserved to be bitter.  I had long accepted that this was to be my lot in life, to get more angry and sad as years went by.  I am happy to say that at 33 I am just realizing that it is NOT my lot in life to be alone, sad, bitter, and angry.  Not only is it not a good look on anybody, but it is a horribly miserable world to live in.  It is one full of self-loathing and destruction.

It has taken me my entire life to get here, to a place I did not even know could exist.  A place full of self-love, self-trust, happiness, safety, and positive self-reassurance.  I can almost taste the freedom of my new self, a self I never even knew I had.

I finally feel as though I am blooming, my new life is starting as it has gotten all too painful to remain closed tightly in a bud.  A bud that was created to keep me safe in times when I was so very unsafe, a bud that I thought I needed around me in order to avoid more heartbreak.  A bud that I am starting to no longer need or want.  That my friends is something so special, so new, so different then all the other times I thought I was on my way to mental-wellness.

Therapeutic Blog Dribble

I feel that I have made my decision.

I will return to school.

Hopefully this coming September… I am now taking some time to weigh my choices and options and what the BEST choice and option is for ME to take.

I feel that this is a step in the right direction.  I need routine and reason back in my life and school would give me both of those things.  I need goals to work towards and I need to stay somewhat busy or [I find] I get bored and then begin to overthink everything and anything until I make myself crazy.  Though I am excited about the prospect of continuing my education I am trying not to overthink it.  I had to remind myself repeated times today that I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT, it’s up to me to provide the life that I want for myself and my family.  I need to stop worrying if I can and just try.  I am fearful of being the oldest person in my classes, lucky for me I look younger then my 33 years but still, I will know that I am older then most of my peers.

I want to be busy again and to feel that I have a purpose, that I am working towards something.  I want to take no more then 3 years to obtain a [new] College Diploma and I wish to find gainful employment before I am 40.  That gives me a little less then 10 years to put myself there.  I miss having control over my life and I wish to gain it back ten fold. I want control over my house, my car, my life, my bank account, my FUTURE.

I can almost pin point now where I fell off the happy wagon and onto the depressed train to breakdown town.  It was a year and a half into my first College Program, I want to say it was 2004.  My interest in my courses – and life for that matter- began to fizzle.  It all fizzled away to a point where I did not care.  By the Fall of ’04 I just quit.  I stopped going to school.  I stopped caring about myself.  I became very depressed.  I stopped socializing and started isolating.

I tried to bust out of it in 2007, going back to school for Dental Administration. Again, I craved the routine of school and the hope of a new and better career.  It worked well in the sense of getting me back out in the world and back to a positive routine.  It backfired in the end though because I really hated that Program and I knew I hated it from the first month.  Instead of choosing something else I was determined to finish what I started.  After I finished I felt very deflated and disappointed.  School had failed me and I had failed myself.  I became very discouraged with education after this time.  I was also discouraged and distrusting of myself.  I felt as though I had made a bad decision and wasted time and money on a Program that I have no use for.  I loathed Dental Administration so much.  I thought it would help me be less terrified of the Dentist.  It did not.  Now I know too much.

So now, another decade later and I have not stopped thinking about going back and I have decided it would be a good idea to try.  I feel I have nothing to lose, I just need to choose wisely.  I need to be smart in which program I decide to give my time and money to because I want to come out of it happy to search for a job in my field.  I realize I may not find a job right away and that is ok too, at least I will have upgraded my education and will be ready or more equipped to work.

In hindsight I wish I would have just started up another Program the September following my completion of Dental Admin.  I wish I would have just kept going until I found something that I could do/liked more then Dental.  I spent many years skeptical of College and now I feel like it is my only answer.  Without it I am destined to work another slew of low-skill level jobs that I will never be happy in. I know “they” say “people are never happy in their job” but I still REFUSE to let that allow me to be miserable in my job.  I don’t want to panic anymore about work.  I don’t want to throw up before every shift.  I don’t want to be stuck in another toxic job.  There is more to life then a horribly toxic job that sucks your soul out and never pays enough.

So, hopefully, here is to the new chapter of my life.  May the force be with me and may I make the right call in my Program selection.