I had to take another Ativan tonight. I just could not shake the looming feeling that anxiety was coming.
I am frustrated. I am frustrated with myself and my “new” environment. I am doubting myself again. I feel lonely a lot, even when there are people around. Could be a little dissociation problem, could be something else that I don’t want to deal with right now.
In attempts to clear my head earlier today I went to Shoppers Drug Mart. I needed Q-tips and I wanted to spend some time with me doing what me likes. I walked up and down my favourite aisles- cosmetics, skin care, hair care, and chocolate – and I just enjoyed being with myself. I miss that. Taking myself out just to take some time to be with me. I decided to treat myself to some new shampoo and conditioner. After price and scent comparisons, ultimately I chose Garnier’s [somewhat] new line of Whole Blends. It was on sale for $4.99 CDN (each, on sale) and the “Honey Treasures” smelled so AH-MAH-ZiNG I had to have it in my life. SO. GOOD.
I remembered I wanted that Ralph Lauren perfume that was on sale but upon smelling it for the first time in ohhhh 15 years, I swiftly changed my mind. It took me right back to high school, back to a place where I did not feel safe, back to a place that I don’t like to think about. It reminded me of my youth in a really really bad way. I am so glad I didn’t get purchase-happy and just buy it for nostalgia purposes, I would have never wanted to wear it.
The Cosmetician on shift asked me if I needed any assistance and I politely smiled and said “no thanks, just checking out the sales”. Pffft. That was a mistake. She began telling me about how there are some lipsticks and mascaras on sale – neither of which I was shopping for nor do I need – but not wanting to be rude I listened [kind of] of then tried to politely exit said convo. I was feeling particularly awkward as I was engaged in me-mode and was not looking to talk to anyone. No offence intended to her of course, she was just doing her job. And I was just feeling like quietly browsing. It’s therapeutic in a way. I need to wear a sign – SHY INTROVERT SHOPPING. I’M GOOD THANKS! GO AWAY.
I made my way down the skincare aisle and I noticed, to my delight, that Neutrogena products were on sale. Score! That Benzoyl Peroxide Cleanser I have been eyeing for a few weeks was finally on sale! Though I have not had bad acne since my stint with Accutane a good decade ago now, I am still paranoid of breakouts and still get the odd little problem crop up. So, I like to keep at least one acne-wash on hand at all times. I have been wanting the Pro-Active face cleanser for ages but I only want to cleanser, I don’t want all the other things it comes with. I like Pro-Active because it is one of the few products that use Benzoyl Peroxide which, for me, has always worked better then the usual Salicylic Acid products. This Neutrogena “Rapid Clear”, ahem, “Paste” cleanser has Benzoyl Peroxide and at $9.99 CDN (on sale) will due in place of Pro-Active. Yes, it can be very drying, therefore, YES, I will need to moisturize. For now I am trying it out using my Clinique Gel-Moisturizer but I will need to find something with a decent SPF soon. Beach season is barreling towards me!
On my way home I FINALLY stopped in at one of the three Thrift Stores that are here in town. I have not been thrifting in ages and though the store was pretty small, I spend a large amount of time in there. I was looking for a blue denim jacket- preferably Levi’s but not the be all end all if it’s not. I did not find any denim but I did find a Garage pullover with a cowl-neck hoodie – could be my new fave. I also found a hot pinky-orange leopard-printy skirt that I could probably also wear as a dress. Feels like a jersey material and has a nice elastic waistband. An elderly couple was shopping too and the woman says to me “oh my THAT is CUTE!” whilst I was holding the skirt up to myself, I smiled and said “Oh I know! and so perfect for summer!”. I also said something about how thats why I LOVE the thrift store, you never know what you are going to find! She agreed and told me she comes in almost every day. I have no problem talking to old folks especially at the thrift or grocery store but other people in other places cause me awkwardness. *Personal Observation*.
The last item I picked up for myself was another tea cup and saucer. I could not help myself. I have a problem. Cups, Mugs, and Chairs. I have ’em, I collect ’em, and I seem to gravitate towards ’em. So, gravitate I did. I looked over the glassware twice and had just about decided that I would get nothing when I saw a sweet looking set of teacups and saucers. When I investigated them further I saw that they were hand-painted (SO COOL!) and they are both microwave and dishwasher safe. I have neither but hey, always a plus with mugs and such. One day I will have a dishwasher and microwave.
I bought one set. One cup and one saucer. Yes, I am considering walking back tomorrow to buy at least one more. Or the whole damn set. I don’t need more then one right now but I could use another one for backup and if I were to entertain ever I would like to have some matching cups and saucers to whip out. It was only $2 for a set so it’s not like I’d be breaking the bank. We will see. I will sleep on it.
I felt really good for that brief amount of time that I was out and about. The sun had come out in time for my walk home. I was so hot having worn my winter coat again like a crazy person. I came right home and threw on my flip flops. Shortly afterwards I showered and used my new products which was a fun little treat. I also did a load of laundry so that I could wear my new pullover hoodie asap.
My love even got me out for a long early-evening walk which I very much did enjoy. I managed to walk more then my daily goal steps on my cell phone app (LG Health) and apparently I walked over 6km! That alone should have made me happier then it did. Our travels led us down a lot of old streets, I could see years stamped in the sidewalk every so often, 1958, 1962. So many years, so many people have walked up and down these sideways, where were they they going? What were they doing? I keep meaning to start taking pictures of these historical marks. It’s neat.
When we were making our way home we took a little detour through town and stopped at 7Eleven. Oh thank heaven for 7Eleven. Have always and will always love the slush. We got a large Crush Cream Soda Slush to share. It was so pretty and pink and delicious. I shoulda snapped a picture but I didn’t… Perhaps next time… because it won’t be long until there is another one.
And then slowly but surely the dread and sadness began to creep in. I found myself becoming easily irritated and on edge. I had a pretty awesome day all in all. I am not really sure why …. wait…. I think it has just hit me why. After writing and reading and thinking I think I see the problem. Something is triggering me here. In the evenings and at night time I often feel triggered. Not 100% sure of what said trigger is but now realizing there MUST be a trigger I can be a little more aware of it, NOTE TO SELF. Be on the look out.
I hope I don’t wake up wanting to spend my day in bed.
Feels like it could be a sleep-my-worries-away kinda day tomorrow. Who knows. I don’t know. Hopefully I am wrong.
Always hoping for sunshine and good vibes.
Stay GRooVY my friends.