Today was a very rainy Saturday. It has been cold, wet, and grey. I don’t like it. This weather just makes me want to curl up in bed, which is exactly what I did today. Turned out to be a bad idea.
I woke up feeling all sorts of funky. It happens on occasion, it’s a shame really because I do love naps but this waking up to feeling not-so-fine causes me to avoid naps sometimes because it’s just not worth the risk. I feel like I may have been dreaming. I woke up with my mom on my mind. I should go visit soon, perhaps make use of her bathtub that I enjoy so much, have a cup of tea and a chat. I feel like I miss her. She’s not far away and I did not see her long ago. I just could not shake this funky feeling-aka looming anxiety- so I took an Ativan to calm myself. I even woke my Love because I felt I needed him awake with me. He now sits beside me watching the hockey game which is fine, as long as he is beside me in case of emergency-comfort-needing I am good.
Phew. Ativan is kicking in.
I have been thinking too much today. Thinking too much about the past and who I was and how I got here. Thinking too much about my life before. I am not that person any more and I do not miss her, I don’t know why for a moment I felt as though I missed that person. That person was so down she couldn’t see any light, she self-sabotaged and constantly isolated herself and she thought that she wasn’t worthy of the happiness she so badly wanted to feel.
I have to remind myself of how far I have come. I am plowing through my EMDR so I should not be surprised if a few episodes pop up here and there but I always am. It always seems to happen after a period of feeling really put together and whole in myself. I felt great the last few days-a week and then tonite I just felt like I could fall apart. I have actually probably been feeling this way since I woke up this morning I have just been trying to ignore it. Again, turned out to be a bad idea. After all day of thinking too much it just overwhelmed my brain.
I was feeling as though I am doing nothing, going nowhere, just watching life go by. I was questioning if all this time and money spent on therapy is worth it? Is this where I want my life to go? Where DO I want my life to go? Even now the answer is the same: I DON’T KNOW. I have come this far that I can’t stop now so I can only hope and pray that this is the right path for me, that life will work out, and I will feel worthy of everything I want, deserve, and work for.
I got the itch to 2 tone my hair again last week which I am still not sure if that was a conscience or a dissociative thing to do. It seemed like a BRILLIANT idea last Monday but pretty much since Tuesday I have been regretting my decision. I did all this work to be all blonde just to f*ck it up in less then 20 minutes. This too I have been overthinking – am I just trying to revert to a previous self? Did I really want to do this style? Am I looking dated in a way I don’t want to? Am I making myself look harsh? … Again, the answer is I DON’T KNOW. Looking at that photo I took the other day it looks pretty rad and I feel like I like it. Something so mundane as hair colour keeps me lost in thoughts for hours. Leave it, keep it, change it, color oops it… all these options overwhelm me. For now, mostly due to my lack of ambition (thanks depression!), I will NOT bother to do a damn thing color-wise for a few weeks yet. Buys me more time to make my decision and see how this black/purple/blue dye bleeds out… I seem to have had a hair dying addiction for a few years now. Really, I just want to be back to blonde. I was born a blonde and I love blonde. I just want blonde. All these years of red, black, violet, orange, blue and any other color you can think of was just a desperate plea to be blonde. My mother always told me I looked “cheap” with (white) blonde hair so to keep her happy I would often I would avoid keeping it blonde. I have got to stop thinking that way. I can do what I want and be whoever I want to be.
I think this scares me, the thought that I can be whoever I want to be. Quite possibly because I am not quite sure yet who I want to be but I do know that I am on my way there. I have become so used to pleasing someone else before pleasing myself that it feels weird to be fully in charge of myself. Sometimes I feel like I want to do everything and I can do anything and then I get overwhelmed by all the things I could do and the feeling that time is just slipping away.
I keep feeling the desire to return to school. To me, going back almost feels like I am REALLY starting over. School is a place I have always felt safe and enjoyed and it would help me to re-socialize myself and get back into society. It would also allow me to upgrade my now-outdated skills. I don’t like the thought of looking for work with outdated skills. I feel inadequate for the positions that I want to work. I also so desperately do not want to repeat the last 10-14 years of my life, jumping from crappy job to crappy job just feeling crappier and crappier about myself. I have been to college a few times before but my old self wasn’t focused on the program(s) I took, I was looking for a distraction from life. I lied to myself in trying to be someone I wasn’t and it has always blown up in my face. Lesson learned. Follow my heart and choose wisely.
I don’t know if I will pursue school or what I will end up doing really. I don’t feel that I can make that decision today per se, but it is definitely something that is on my mind.
I think I hear my bed calling my name. It is time for me to rest my weary head and hope that tomorrow is a better day.