I have made it. Made it through the first week of being in a new place. It has it’s pros and cons, mostly pros, but it is still a battle for me. During the day I feel fine, content, a little lonely and a little lost but ok. At night I have a hard time. Last night I completely broke down and cried. I am not unhappy here, it’s just different. I need time to adjust.
I like being in/closer to town. A few days ago my brother-in-law and I walked to a few places. It was so windy I almost tripped over my own feet but I was so happy to be out and walking. Freezing no less, but walking. Our main purpose for walking to town was to get chocolate. We both need our chocolate. I also bought a Marc Ecko “cut & sew” pullover sweater, 100% Wool, for $10.00 at a local discount store. It’s a men’s medium and fits a little large but I love it. We came home to eat our chocolate and make tea.
My kitten, Marble, is adjusting pretty well. She was sick yesterday a few times which immediately had me in tears and worried but by late afternoon she was totally fine and has been since. I don’t know what cause her to be sick, her food is the same, her water is the same, same dishes, she has not gotten into anything… I don’t know and I am going to try not to over worry about her which I am all too good at. Today she has been running all over the house, she has seen her first bathroom and kitchen. She sat and watched me do dishes this morning. Such a cutie. She helps keep me occupied and she is great company.
I am doing my first load of laundry here tonite. I feel good to be getting on with laundry life. I have had a nice hot shower with Sienfeld-like pressure. It still blows me away every time I get in it. It’s kind of fun. I did some dishes and tidying while my mother-in-law was out, I figured it was the least I could do. I feel good this evening, granted it is Friday and I did take an Ativan earlier because I did not wish to repeat last night.
I was fine all day yesterday, at least I think I was fine. I was longing for the weekend and definitely stressing about my Marble all day and I guess by 10pm I finally cracked. Today I opted to try to keep myself busy and I have even decided that I want to re-arrange our new room already. I love a good re-arrange and re-organize.
I also really love our new little room. It is much smaller then the one I had at my moms but it is cozy. We have opted to put our mattress on the floor instead of taking up extra room with my antique 4-poster bed frame-plus in time of anxiety I like to lay on and sleep on the floor so just slapping the mattress down seemed like a good idea. So far, so good, I quite like it. I even have all the comforts I have gotten used to having, a small space heater and my heating blanket (this house is old and though very solid is limited on heat vents, this room of ours in particular does not have one). With the door open during the day it heats up in here pretty fast but if I want the door closed it can get a little chilly. Nothing compared to the chill of the basement though. I love living above ground. I was so sick of living in the basement, it was kind of depressing [for me]. We have 2 beautiful windows in our room that both myself and my cat enjoy.
I am learning what I actually need and use. I don’t know where half my stuff is right now- I mean I know ALL of it is right above me in storage- but I don’t know where to begin to start looking for this and that. Last weekend when we were moving I was so in a tizzy to just get outta my old house by the end I was just grabbing shit and putting it wherever. I hope tomorrow to be a very good find-and-organize day.
Looking back at the week I feel that I will be ok. I still need time to adjust and I need to take my time and I need to remind myself that it is ok. My love is so supportive and has been since day 1, one of the many reasons I love him so. I feel like as long as we are together and have each others love that I, we, will be ok- not just ok, FABULOUS. I don’t praise him enough and he certainly deserves it. He rubs my back when I cry because I am sad for no explainable -or at least cry able – reason. He checks in often to make sure that I am ok and when he does he looks at me with such a look of genuine caring concern, it makes my heart skip a beat every time and it reminds me why I am doing this. I mean aside from the fact that I am in my thirties and IT IS TIME for me to leave the nest… I need to do this for him, and us. He stayed by my side no questions asked and no judgements ever and now I will stay by his. I will be the best me I can be [if not for me] for him. We made this move for me, so I could feel more relaxed and less sad, lonely, and frustrated. And I am happy to report that I am feeling more relaxed, less sad, lonely, and frustrated which is an amazing feeling. Sadly it is such a new feeling that I am not sure what to do with it yet.
The weather has been crazy this week. From pouring rain to insane winds to snapping cold with flurries, literally every day has been different… I just wanted to log that for memories sake.
Well, my computer is dying and my eyes are getting heavy so off to bed I toddle, looking forward to Saturday, and Saturday morning snuggles with my love of course ❤