“Who loves you Baby?”. You do Dad.

October 15, 2016

Happy Birthday Dad.  You would have been 56.

I’m sorry we were so distant those last few years.  I can only imagine how you were feeling and it makes me very sad.  I wasn’t there when you needed me the most but you also kept me in the dark regarding your sickness.  Had I known I would have done so much more to try to save your life.  When you died I promised myself I would stop living a life I hate and start trying to create a life that I love.

I left my job for awhile and then decided after a few months that I wanted to quit.  I wanted to quit since the day I started so thank you for the inspiration to do so.  Life is too short for “some day”.

Remember that weird illness I had when we went to visit Grandma when I was 16? That was anxiety.  I have had anxiety from PTSD for many years.  I am sorry I never got to tell you that.  I thought I was bi-polar and I tried to get you to think that you were bi-polar and thats why I had it.  I am so sorry.  That was an incorrect diagnoses.  I am not bi-polar and I never should have insinuated that you were.  I am finally trying to get the help I need so that I can be happy.  It’s hard but I sincerely hope it will be worth it when it is over.

I am sorry that I told you Mom was getting married.  She never did.  I could hear the sadness in your voice when I told you and I will forever wish I hadn’t.  I know you always loved her, I think you even tried to get her back when you came for her 50th birthday.  You really tried to make her 50th memorable for her.  I am sorry she didn’t care as much as she should have.

I found a really great guy.  I wish you could meet him.  You would love him.  I think I may finally have found the one.  I tell him about you a lot.  I am sorry you won’t be here to see us get married or to meet your grandchildren in the future.  I am sad that you will not be there to walk me down the aisle.  You won’t be here to hold my hand and watch proudly as I find myself and live my life.

Thank you for watching over me.  I know you saved us Halloween night 2014 when that car crossed the yellow line and came right towards mine.  Four people could have been killed in a head on collision but you were with me and you helped me stay calm and logical. I veered around him towards the ditch.  We got clipped and spun but you saved us from hitting a pole or a tree.  Guardian Angels do exist and you are mine.

I got a tattoo in memory of you a little over a year ago.  It’s the Led Zeppelin Falling Angel. I got it on my upper right thigh because that was your first amputation.  I got the Angel because I used to stare at it on the Led Zeppelin fabric poster you had above your bed.  I have it now and I am so grateful I do.  It reminds me of how we were.

I’m sorry you that your love of beer affected our relationship so poorly.

I am also sorry that Mom’s opinions towards you negatively affected my attitude towards you.  For this I feel immense guilt as that was terribly unfair to you.

I love you so much and I am so sorry for any pain I may have caused you.  My heart broke the day you died.

Sometimes if I listen really hard I can hear you say what you always used to say. “Who loves you Baby?”.

You do Dad.  Happy Birthday.

Love Always,

Carla xo

 

2013-10-22-22-45-01

My Dad in his younger years.  Looks like we may have been camping.

zeppelin-tattoo

My Zeppelin Tattoo.  In loving memory of my Dad.

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