“Who loves you Baby?”. You do Dad.

October 15, 2016

Happy Birthday Dad.  You would have been 56.

I’m sorry we were so distant those last few years.  I can only imagine how you were feeling and it makes me very sad.  I wasn’t there when you needed me the most but you also kept me in the dark regarding your sickness.  Had I known I would have done so much more to try to save your life.  When you died I promised myself I would stop living a life I hate and start trying to create a life that I love.

I left my job for awhile and then decided after a few months that I wanted to quit.  I wanted to quit since the day I started so thank you for the inspiration to do so.  Life is too short for “some day”.

Remember that weird illness I had when we went to visit Grandma when I was 16? That was anxiety.  I have had anxiety from PTSD for many years.  I am sorry I never got to tell you that.  I thought I was bi-polar and I tried to get you to think that you were bi-polar and thats why I had it.  I am so sorry.  That was an incorrect diagnoses.  I am not bi-polar and I never should have insinuated that you were.  I am finally trying to get the help I need so that I can be happy.  It’s hard but I sincerely hope it will be worth it when it is over.

I am sorry that I told you Mom was getting married.  She never did.  I could hear the sadness in your voice when I told you and I will forever wish I hadn’t.  I know you always loved her, I think you even tried to get her back when you came for her 50th birthday.  You really tried to make her 50th memorable for her.  I am sorry she didn’t care as much as she should have.

I found a really great guy.  I wish you could meet him.  You would love him.  I think I may finally have found the one.  I tell him about you a lot.  I am sorry you won’t be here to see us get married or to meet your grandchildren in the future.  I am sad that you will not be there to walk me down the aisle.  You won’t be here to hold my hand and watch proudly as I find myself and live my life.

Thank you for watching over me.  I know you saved us Halloween night 2014 when that car crossed the yellow line and came right towards mine.  Four people could have been killed in a head on collision but you were with me and you helped me stay calm and logical. I veered around him towards the ditch.  We got clipped and spun but you saved us from hitting a pole or a tree.  Guardian Angels do exist and you are mine.

I got a tattoo in memory of you a little over a year ago.  It’s the Led Zeppelin Falling Angel. I got it on my upper right thigh because that was your first amputation.  I got the Angel because I used to stare at it on the Led Zeppelin fabric poster you had above your bed.  I have it now and I am so grateful I do.  It reminds me of how we were.

I’m sorry you that your love of beer affected our relationship so poorly.

I am also sorry that Mom’s opinions towards you negatively affected my attitude towards you.  For this I feel immense guilt as that was terribly unfair to you.

I love you so much and I am so sorry for any pain I may have caused you.  My heart broke the day you died.

Sometimes if I listen really hard I can hear you say what you always used to say. “Who loves you Baby?”.

You do Dad.  Happy Birthday.

Love Always,

Carla xo


My Dad in his younger years.  Looks like we may have been camping.
My Zeppelin Tattoo.  In loving memory of my Dad.

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Rock & Roll Soul | Tea Addict | Anxiety Girl | Mental Health Awareness Enthusiast | YouTube Enthusiast | Creative Entrepreneur

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