October 15, 2016
Happy Birthday Dad. You would have been 56.
I’m sorry we were so distant those last few years. I can only imagine how you were feeling and it makes me very sad. I wasn’t there when you needed me the most but you also kept me in the dark regarding your sickness. Had I known I would have done so much more to try to save your life. When you died I promised myself I would stop living a life I hate and start trying to create a life that I love.
I left my job for awhile and then decided after a few months that I wanted to quit. I wanted to quit since the day I started so thank you for the inspiration to do so. Life is too short for “some day”.
Remember that weird illness I had when we went to visit Grandma when I was 16? That was anxiety. I have had anxiety from PTSD for many years. I am sorry I never got to tell you that. I thought I was bi-polar and I tried to get you to think that you were bi-polar and thats why I had it. I am so sorry. That was an incorrect diagnoses. I am not bi-polar and I never should have insinuated that you were. I am finally trying to get the help I need so that I can be happy. It’s hard but I sincerely hope it will be worth it when it is over.
I am sorry that I told you Mom was getting married. She never did. I could hear the sadness in your voice when I told you and I will forever wish I hadn’t. I know you always loved her, I think you even tried to get her back when you came for her 50th birthday. You really tried to make her 50th memorable for her. I am sorry she didn’t care as much as she should have.
I found a really great guy. I wish you could meet him. You would love him. I think I may finally have found the one. I tell him about you a lot. I am sorry you won’t be here to see us get married or to meet your grandchildren in the future. I am sad that you will not be there to walk me down the aisle. You won’t be here to hold my hand and watch proudly as I find myself and live my life.
Thank you for watching over me. I know you saved us Halloween night 2014 when that car crossed the yellow line and came right towards mine. Four people could have been killed in a head on collision but you were with me and you helped me stay calm and logical. I veered around him towards the ditch. We got clipped and spun but you saved us from hitting a pole or a tree. Guardian Angels do exist and you are mine.
I got a tattoo in memory of you a little over a year ago. It’s the Led Zeppelin Falling Angel. I got it on my upper right thigh because that was your first amputation. I got the Angel because I used to stare at it on the Led Zeppelin fabric poster you had above your bed. I have it now and I am so grateful I do. It reminds me of how we were.
I’m sorry you that your love of beer affected our relationship so poorly.
I am also sorry that Mom’s opinions towards you negatively affected my attitude towards you. For this I feel immense guilt as that was terribly unfair to you.
I love you so much and I am so sorry for any pain I may have caused you. My heart broke the day you died.
Sometimes if I listen really hard I can hear you say what you always used to say. “Who loves you Baby?”.
You do Dad. Happy Birthday.