Thanks to early childhood trauma and and ongoing battle with anxiety and depression, I have learned to be entirely too careful. With EVERYTHING.
I am worried if I don’t worry something bad will inevitably happen.
This, of course, is no way to live. It takes the fun out of a lot of things. It causes a lot of dark clouds to form and gather in my conscience. The clouds build into a storm of doom that then follows me everywhere I go and influences everything I do.
I try to be careful enough to avoid the doom but sometimes I can’t. It all becomes too much and it overwhelms me.
I don’t want to be SO CAREFUL all the time. I don’t want to worry about things that may or MAY NOT happen. I want to change my life. But it is hard. It is hard to change your thinking after over 30 years of learned thinking patterns. This of course is one of the many reasons that I am in therapy/receiving EMDR treatment. I don’t want to be stuck inside my head anymore.
I am sick of the voices of my past in my head. And I resent those who put them there. Now I am spending countless hours and dollars trying to essentially put those voices away. As the voices and memories become reprocessed and put away I am seeing so much that I was too emotionally stunted to see before. It is frustrating and liberating all at the same time.
Where has careful gotten me? Sure, it’s kept me out of trouble but at the same time it has kept me from living. Careful keeps me at home or in bed all day because I am “safe” there. But am I safe really? I am starting to feel like I want to break the cocoon I surround myself with and see where it takes me. I want to clear the careful clouds in my head and bask in the sunshine of making and achieving my personal goals, and ultimately loving life. I feel as though I can see the sunshine peaking through but I am impatient, I want the whole damn sky to clear, like, ASAP.
There are rays of light breaking through and these rays are slowly starting to do something. I have a few goals I would like to achieve. They may seem mundane to some but their mine and I need not CARE what those who are not me think. It is the first time in years, possibly ever, that I have real, genuine goals in mind. I want a Cavalier again. I love ’em and I feel good in ’em. I want to get the hell out of this house. The negativity here is suffocating. I want to explore University. I am now realizing if I want the kind of career I think I want that I need to upgrade my skills.
I have absolutely no idea how I am going to get to where I want to be but I do know that if I continue to be too careful I will never get there. This is terrifying but the thought of dealing with doom on my back for the rest of my life is even more terrifying.
Take a hike Careful, you have done enough damage already.