“Standing on a hill in my mountain of
dreams telling myself it’s not as hard,
hard, hard as it seems”.
~ Led Zeppelin | Going to California
Ain’t that the truth. For me anyways.
Even now I feel as thought I am standing on a hill, a very small one, in my mountain of dreams. I keep telling myself it is not as hard as it seems. Life is not as hard as it seems. I keep thinking and hoping that if I work hard and keep going that I will reach the mountain. I will reach my dreams.
I do not know how I will get there but at this point in time I am trying not to concern myself with the how. The how will come. At this point I need to worry about me, my metal health, and getting through therapy so I can live my life to its fullest. There are many little hills to stand on before reaching my mountain. I must reach them all so to ensure that I will be ready, willing, and capable when I reach my dreams.
My dreams are not huge. Really. I just want to be happy. I want to love and be loved. I want to work and make enough money to live off. I don’t want to be constantly worried that something bad is going to happen. I want to move out of my mothers basement into a place that is ours (by boyfriends &mine). I can’t wait to feel what it is like to wake up and not feel as thought I am mentally and creatively suffocated. To wake up and begin my day without running into triggers before I have even had my morning tea. These triggers range from anxiety, depression, and panic – sometimes all 3 at the same time which makes for quite the EXPLOSIVE morning let me tell you. It’s also exhausting and embarrassing but I can’t help it sometimes.
My bud can only bloom so far under these conditions. It will only reach a certain point before it will stop and stall. I feel like I am already beginning to stall. At this point (July 2016) I wanted to be further along in not only therapy but in life as well. I have been off [from work] for 3 years now, I had hoped these years would have been more productive, on my part, creatively.
I want(ed) to do more about mental health and the issues and stigma that surrounds it. I wanted to create an example, a documentation, a smiling face that says “hey! it’s ok! You are not your Mental Illness! You can do this!”. I want(ed) to create a community of care where we can share our plights and talk them over. Help each other out and lift each others spirits in a positive and non-judgemental environment. If you are in therapy we can encourage each other to keep at it – sometimes therapy is great and sometimes it sucks. If your not in therapy for whatever reason that is cool too, maybe you have your own way of coping and that is awesome. I am not here to preach therapy but I would like to promote positivity, talk about mental health, and ultimately learn to love and accept myself.
My mom has often said “go with what you know”. After battling PTSD over half my life I feel that it is something I know very well. I know what it’s like to be misdiagnosed and medicated (ahem … overmedicated). I know what it’s like to not be able to go to work or school because you are so anxious or depressed you simply cannot get out of bed NEVER MIND leave the house. I know what it’s like to feel like you are crazy because the “norms” just can’t understand what is wrong. Therapy. Oh my lanta do I know therapy. I’m on my 3rd therapist now, so far she has stuck but we have had some fraying moments.
I know a lot about dealing with anxiety and depression and I don’t know what else to do with all of my information except share it. Share my story, share my journey, for not only you, the reader, but for myself to look back on when I [presumably] reach that damn mountain.