“And the day came when the
risk to remain tight in a bud
was more painful than the risk
it took to bloom.”
~ Anais Nin
My therapist turned me onto this quote a few years ago. I remember vividly hearing these words and feeling such a connection to what they said.
Somewhere along the line I started to turn down the volume my personality and dreams and began to raise the volume in the afraid-to-be-the-real-me department. Looking back I can see that it got so bad I almost lost myself completely. Toxic people, toxic relationships, and toxic thinking can affect so much of you if you let it. I had gotten to a point where years of the 3 T’s (the toxic people, toxic relationships & toxic thinking) had forced me into a bud. A tight, closed off, suffocating bud.
Even though I was trapped in this bud I knew I wanted more. I want[ed] to be that beautiful flower that I was born to be. I was so afraid to go forth and enjoy my life [and myself] that I felt I literally could not stand it anymore. It was becoming entirely too painful to remain living tightly in a bud. I started by making small changes that ultimately turned into bigger changes. The first few changes were terrifying. I spent a lot of time alone. MONTHS. I cried a lot. I cried myself to sleep, I cried on the cat, I cried if I spilled tea, I cried while driving – which I do not recommend by the way. The anxiety of hating where I was in life literally made me sick to my stomach at times. Whatever it took, I had to get out of that bud.
The risk I was taking staying in that bud was becoming far greater then the risk it was to let myself bloom. I knew I could not do it myself so I put myself in therapy. I quit therapy a few times before I finally realized I needed to stay. I owed it to myself to stay and try my hardest because I did not want to find out what would happen to me if I didn’t. I am still in therapy and still working on blooming fully. I still have bad days and I still get the urge to quit therapy from time to time but when I remember being a bud it inspires me to keep going.
It is not an easy road but I feel that it would be even harder to look back and have never even tried.