I wrote a list of to-do’s out last night for today. This list consisted of 3 things:
- remove nail polish
- do kitty litters
It took me all day but I have managed to complete said list. I am even blogging and I managed to make noodles for dinner. Yay me.
I am not a lazy person. I do not like lazy people. It is not laziness that prevents me from doing things. It’s anxiety.
Everything I do has a hint of “it’s not going to work” or “you suck” to it. I try to think the opposite as I do know deep down that I don’t suck and maybe if I work really hard something will work. I still get sucked down by the thoughts and feelings of so many failed projects. So many quit jobs. Unfinished College programs.
I want to work, perhaps go back to school, find what makes me happy. A career is very important to me and so far a career seems like a wish that is just no attainable. I pick the wrong courses, I end up hating my major or the whole program all together (hello Dental Administration – why did I take you?!?). My previous post-secondary knowledge is starting to become out of date (hello Art & Design – I love you but your are getting old. Nobody uses the dinosaur programs or techniques I was taught). I have nothing but industrial kitchen experience under my belt as that is what I did for 7 years before that became too depressing. My second nervous breakdown caused me to quit that job so needless to say I am not in a big hurry to find another kitchen to work in. Then, of course, there is that pesky little problem of living in the middle of nowhere. I used to like it. I enjoy the quiet and the privacy. Lately I find it as depressing as anything else. There is nothing around, nothing to strive for, nowhere to go, and no room to grow, at least creatively. It downright sucks.
Then I think, maybe it’s me. Maybe I AM the one with the big problem. Perhaps I cannot be pleased. Perhaps I am just the village idiot that should be happy I have what I have. But I am not happy. I want more. The village idiot would not want more right?!
I miss traveling. I love to film and edit footage. I love to type. I feel the need to advocate for mental health. There MUST be something out there I can do and do well. Something that won’t cause me to have a nervous breakdown. Something that won’t cause me to lose myself and become miserable. Is this the point where I decide to try to be my own boss? Is this when I throw caution to the wind and live the life I want now? Will I regret it later when it all blows up in my face? (Oh hello negativity, you again).
I don’t know. I don’t know what I will do. I do know that I am so sick of anxiety and negative thoughts standing in my way. Do I continue to listen to those thoughts or do I encore them and go forward? I don’t know. We shall find out.
If I do continue to listen to the negative thoughts I do know I will also have to live with the regret of never knowing if my dreams could come true. I don’t know if that is wise seeing as that seems like it would plague me and depress me for the rest of my life.