It took a bitter cold I-feel-like-I-live-in-a-snowglobe kind of day for me to sit down with my little blog. It has been so long since I blogged, probably over a year, so long in fact my blog had expired. I have known for a few months now that my blog had expired and quite honestly was not sure how I felt about it nor did I know what I wanted to do about it.
Until today. Today I sat down and decided I was going to figure out how to get my blog back. If it took all day and multiple emails to support I was willing to go there, take the time, do what I set out to do … Luckily for me it ended up being a lot simpler and quicker then I had anticipated.
So here I sit all happy with myself for being able to (try to) get back into blogging (again!) and I have no idea where to start. I did not really think past get-your-blog-back. I’ve got my coffee, computer is all charged, fingers positioned and ready to type… I’m all blogged up with nothing (and yet everything!) to write.
My goal last time I renewed my blog was to write more. Odd thing is I don’t think I wrote more than MAYBE one thing in that year(+) since I last renewed. And a lot of stuff happened in that time. I missed a lot of great content in that time. I don’t like that I did that, so, here I am to try, try again to write more.
I have again renewed my blog in hopes of writing more. This time if in one year I have not fulfilled my goal to write more I will be forced to shut down my blog and move on. These are the terms I am giving myself. I think about creating often so it’s time to try something new … hopefully….
It could very well be the end of an era in my life.
I am changing and clearly so are my interests and hobbies. One particular interest and hobby has been on the back burner for months now and it has recently occurred to me that I may just not be all that into it anymore. Feels strange but sadly, is true.
I am referring to my dear old friend YouTube. I have blogged about this in the past as I do recall my interest beginning to fade some time ago, but then it returned for a short time. These days it seems as though my desire to even go on Youtube has severely dwindled.
I found YouTube at a time in my life when I was very lonely and in search of some, or any connection to people… Nice people… I found Kandee Johnson who immediately became my new role model. I watched her videos day and in day out, I often stayed up all night watching tutorials and reading her blog(s). It wasn’t long before I decided I too wanted to join the “broadcast yourself” party. I started my channel and have since made over 100 videos.
It took me more time, energy, money, tears and frustration then I could have ever imagined to produce, edit, and upload videos. And out of all the things I quit in my life, for some reason I refused to quit this. I have learned and immense amount over the past 5+ years and for that I am grateful. I have also met and conversed with a lot of amazing people which is magic in itself. YouTube was there when no one else was. When I was depressed, lonely, and not sleeping, YouTube was my friend. No matter what time of day or what time of year I could sign in and see my online friends. I could escape my own reality 4-10 minutes at a time.
There was also a point in my life where I really felt I had something to offer the YouTube community. I had knowledge and things I wanted to share. These days I do not feel as though I have much to offer the YT community nor do I care to share.
I have always loved to write and type. I don’t so much love seeing myself and hearing my voice with video. It gives me too much of an oppurtunity to pick myself apart. I have however discovered that photography (and blogging) not only interests me more but makes me feel better then seeing myself and hearing myself.
I am still kind of lonely, depressed, and in search of human connection but I don’t feel the insatiable pull to YT that I once did. I am behind in my subscriptions and have been for months now. I have my own videos waiting to be edited but I just can’t be bothered to edit them. I have comments on my channel that I am lazy to respond to (sorry guys!). I am sad that my heart is no longer into filming, editing, uploading and watching but it is what it is.
It is the end of an era, but perhaps it is also the birth of a new one. One where I live in the moment and stop picking myself apart. One where I love myself enough to put myself and my feelings first. YT is a wonderful platform and will always have a place in my heart but I feel now more then ever that it is not for me. I respect and appreciate my fellow subscribers and channel owners as you were there for me when I needed you most. But for now I must go, take a break, have a breather.
For now all of my videos have been privatized so that only I may view them. Oddly enough I actually pre-wrote this blog months ago and the recent hubbub surrounding YT has only solidified my feelings. Sometimes I feel like whipping out my camera and starting again but most times I decide not to. That may change in the coming months, who knows? One day I just may jump start ye-ole channel but today is not that day.
Today I work on my blog… and not overthinking my YT “channel”.
For the first time in 12 years I am piercing-free. In my face. I still have a few in my ears, one in my navel and one in my right nipple.
I am not exactly sure what happened. I was not planning on removing any piercings. I actually just wanted to change my nose studs. In changing my (double) nose piercing I suddenly found myself missing my face, sans jewelry. So out of curiosity I decided (today) to remove my double nose studs, the last of my facial piercings.
I used to have my upper lip pierced a la monroe/madonna piercing, my labret, my tongue, and the double nose studs. And today, about 12 years after my first facial piercing I took out the 2 that remained.
I have missed my non-pierced face… a little. It is a treat to wash my face without any jewellery in it. So smooth. Not to mention blowing my always-running nose is a little nicer.
I have found over the years that I have been less and less satisfied with the placement of one out of the 2 holes. To the point that I actually do regret getting it. Secondly, I have had a hard time finding jewellery that I both love and trust enough to put in my face. I want it to be pretty but I also want it to be a safe material resting in my skin. Ultimately curiosity got the cat and I was just curious as to how I would look without my nostril pierced. I think I like it. I can’t promise I won’t add something new at some point in the not so distant future but I am kinda digging my naked nose.
I still love piercings and the world of piercing itself. I have just come to realize that for me personally, I used my piercings as a coping mechanism. I hid behind them in a way. They served their purpose and that is great but as I am changing so is my preference for certain things as well as possibly even my style.
I have found a new (to me) style that I find myself gravitating towards. I don’t know what one would call it per sae but I am diggin’ it. My latest style role model is Stella Lugosi (find her on insta @stella.lugosi). I love her high bun, her lovely brows, and her overall look. I love the single septum piercing. I am seriously considering getting one… as soon as I muster up the courage to do so…. and I am feeling really good and excited about it, about me, evolving yet again, into the me that I am most comfortable being. When I look at Stella’s pictures not only do I appreciate and admire her beauty but I get a very comforting feeling.
I don’t really know what the future holds but I do know that I am/will learn to love myself and will put myself and my feelings first. No more pretending to be okay with things I am not okay with. No more sacrificing myself for others happiness. I am starting to remember who I was, who I am, and who I want to be. I lost myself before, I am not willing to loose myself again. To be completely lost and not even know oneself anymore is a frightening and exhausting thing. I am still lost but I am finally finding my way, and for the first time in my life I don’t want to stop. I want to keep going. To do better, to be better. To be whole and happy within myself.
It is almost mid August. It is hot, humid, and rains almost every day. It’s okay though, I don’t feel as though I mind too much this year. I am too busy working on myself and trying to avoid depression and “the dread” to notice or overly care.
I have been doing a lot of thinking and reflecting (nothing really unusual for me). I have also found some new inspiration which is a welcome surprise. I feel as though I am finally pushing to be my “best-self”. I managed to find myself some gainful employment (in the last month) which was a HUGE goal that I still cannot believe that I accomplished. This has and is allowing me to get back to a routine – a Monday to Friday routine no less – just what I wanted. I have come to realize just how important a routine is for me. I need a solid routine to keep myself busy and grounded. I have rewarded myself with a new tea/coffee mug from Wal Mart, a $20 haircut at First Choice and re-subsribing to ipsy. I have also promised myself a subscription to FabFitFun if I can pay off some debts in the next 4-6 weeks. Slowly, oh so slowly, but surely, I am starting to feel like I am actually putting myself back together.
I forgot about how great it feels to have a job. I never knew how it felt to obtain a job I really and truly enjoy. I have had a few rough anxious-night-before’s that first week but *so far* no puking before I leave which is amazing. Finally, I do not feel so stressed in my life, relationship, or job that I hurl in times of uncomfortableness. It’s hard to look back to just a few short years ago and realize that though I knew what I wanted, I was still selling myself short and letting myself down in ALL the aforementioned aspects of life (life, love, work). I can now clearly see how lost, sad and heartbroken I have been. And I can also see that I deserve to feel found, be happy and accept the love that is helping to mend my broken heart.
It isn’t all flowers and sunshine. That is for sure. Since starting my job I have lost over 10 pounds, allowing my weight to dip to 99 pounds, the lowest I have been since EVER. It is part control and part lack of appetite due to the heat, a new routine, new goals, and the obstacles keeping me from achieving my goals. I scared myself when I saw those digits on the scale. My high school self would have been elated to reach that weight. My adult self fought off “the dread”. I have since been actively trying to eat more and have been able to get back up to 104 pounds which, for now, is a huge relief. I know I am going to have to watch myself and make an effort to continue to eat regularly. I have been keeping a list of things I know I like and will eat and I plan to hit our local grocery store as soon as I get paid (not that we don’t have food. We do. I can just be picky when I have to eat around my anxiety). My current faves include:
Taste of Thai’s peanut noodles
Peanut butter Cliff bars … Huh. I see a theme here…
Lemon Pepper Tuna + rice cracker snack pack
Plain Rice Crackers
Twinnings English Breakfast Tea
and as always, iced tea. On the upside my stomach feels pretty good lately, even though I am eating in a certain way because of anxiety. I am less gassy, I feel less nauseous, I don’t find myself worrying about finding a bathroom though out the day, and I don’t feel slow or sluggish (until 10pm when I am usually quite literally exhausted).
I have even been going as far as thinking about/planning to start an exercise regime of sorts. I like to run and I have not run in a long time. Come fall (and cooler temps) I am thinking of trying to run again. I would also like to get into pilates and yoga again. I have my yoga matt sitting purposely in a spot where I literally wake up and see it, I really need to start using it. I feel that both activities would not only help me feel physically better and improve my stamina but also allow me time to think and decompress. Also, it’s a great alternative to smoking which, admittedly I do enjoy but should do less of.
What I really want more then anything (aside from sound mental health of course) is our own place. The thing that inspired me the most to work again was the desire to move. And the realization that without me working that us moving will just take longer. Too long. I feel that once we can secure our own space that we can call ours and that I can feel completely at home in that I will finally feel at ease. I miss my things, my coffee table, my cups, my record player….Oh how I miss my record player. All with me but in storage right now. Being that my love and I are sharing one small room I had to leave a lot in storage (in the attic). I try to remind myself that this is temporary and it will all be okay but the reality is that we might be here awhile. Longer then expected. It is what it is I suppose. I tried to go home and that did not work for me at all. So here I am and here I will stay, for now anyways.
I haven’t been to therapy in months now. Life just kept happening and I have had to cancel a lot of recent appointments. I have an upcoming appointment that I am both looking forward to and dreading. I look forward to catching my therapist up on my last few months adventures and such but I can’t help but feel that little twinge of dread. The dread that asks “do I really still need this therapy?”. Since the beginning of my therapy journey my main concern has been being mentally healthy enough to find and keep employment. Now that I am getting there/am there I wonder how much longer I will keep up with these therapy sessions? I don’t want to quit before I am finished but at the same time I don’t want to reprocess memories if I don’t have to. Some still need to be reprocessed- no doubt about it – but I feel like a nice chunk does not. Only time will tell I suppose but I do have a feeling that therapy may not be a part of my New Year/2018.
For the first time in a very long time I am starting to feel content in myself. I am learning and have learned to trust myself, my decisions, and my goals. I am realizing my worth, if to no one else but myself. I am worth everything that I want for myself. I deserve to feel loved and safe. I do not deserve to put myself down, second guess myself or tell myself that I am not worth it. I have done that for enough of my life now. I also refuse to tolerate anyone who puts me down, makes me feel bad about myself, or tries to attack things that I cannot control (i.e. anxiety & depression). I don’t need anybodies help to feel bad about myself, I have an easy enough time doing that all on my own and I am trying to break that cycle thankyouverymuch.
So there it is. I have drank my tea and I am at the end of my thoughts for now.
I couldn’t wait till Friday. I started pre-packing Wednesday and by Thursday morning I said the hell with waiting one more night.
I grabbed only what I thought I would need, including my cat, whom is MUCH HAPPIER here then where I used to live. And so am I quite honestly.
That 4 days I spent at “home” really opened my eyes. It has given me a whole new appreciation for the new town that I am staying in, my boyfriend, his family, and this whole “new and improved me” journey that I am on.
As soon as I made the decision to get outta there I felt better. The more I packed into my van to bring back the better I felt. Once I realized what I wanted to do it was like a landslide. Inside of 4 hours I was ready to go.
I was back to my new home before 6pm. It felt so good. Better then I ever imagined. I still don’t know what the hell I was thinking. I am trying not to think about it but I can’t help myself. I don’t really know where I got the notion that going home would be fun. It was not and I don’t think I want to do that again.
I am dreading the lecture I am sure my mother will give me when I reveal that I am staying in my new home. But she needs to understand that I need to do what I need to do to find my way. I feel bad and sad that it did not work but what can you do? Stay there and be just as miserable as I remember being before? I can’t.
Being back in my old room reminded me too much of my past self. The sadness, the emptiness, the anxiety. I found it to be very triggering. I had to take an ativan to sleep the first night I was there. I could not take the lack of sunlight in that room either. It was very depressing. I found myself waking up at 10am thinking it was 5am instead of my usual 7-8am wake up time. I just could not do it. It is what it is.
I have spent my day cleaning and organizing and putting things away. Trying to get things back to the way they were (minus the crap I am keeping at my moms for now). I am trying to get rid of things I do not need or use. I have just entirely too much crap that I keep lugging back and forth. And that could quite possibly be a metaphor for my life right there. I need to stop lugging the shit back and forth. Enough is enough.
Today is a new day and this is a new chapter. I need to stop feeling so stupid for my actions and behaviour the last few weeks, accept it, and move on.
I thought that I missed my home. But home has changed, nothing is how it was. This is not what I wanted nor expected.
I was so excited to come stay here again. I thought I missed some slice of comfort that I can now see is long gone.
I hate living without my love. Life just is not the same without him in it. I can’t wait to see him in a few days. Quite honestly, it’s the only thing holding me together right now.
I cried all day and all night the first few days I was here. I think I may have missed the “idea” of “home” and some MAJOR alone time but the reality does not feel as good as the idea initially did.
Part of me wants to be here, I miss my mom and I wanted to take advantage of spending some time with her. But she too, is different. Which is fine, that’s life, people change, I am just not used to this new mom I am experiencing. But then again, maybe it’s me. I have been actively doing this EMDR Therapy for over a year now and I am just now realizing as I am typing this; it’s not home or mom that has changed, it’s me. I have changed and I now know that I cannot flourish in this environment. Too bad it took me bringing back 2 and a half van loads of stuff and partially setting myself up a room to realize that.
I am so grateful that I can see this change and make the decisions I need to make for me. Which is what I thought I was doing, but I was wrong. Oh so very wrong.
I feel like my younger-selves had too much control of the the bus for a few weeks there. They steered me in a direction that, sure, 10 years ago may have been a solid option, but here, today, in 2017 I am not so sure that this is the right way for my life-bus to be driving. Now that I am back [home] I see how much better I was getting away. I mistook (my own personal) anger and confusion as a sign that I need to go and completely dismissed that I am in therapy and that my disassociate tendencies have been playing tricks on me.
I am not the same person I was 3 years ago and I may never be the same. The need to accept that. I can’t go back. I can’t get the years and all the mistakes back. I can’t right all my wrongs and I need to stop trying to fit myself into who I think I am or who I was. I am who I am and that is okay. My heart wants something different now. I know that there may be a lot of mom lectures in my near future but I need to remember what I want and that I need to stay true to myself now. I am a full fledged adult. I hope she realizes I am trying to do what is best for me and it’s okay if she disagrees. It’s not her call to make anymore.
I feel like a lunatic. I thought this is what I wanted and as soon as I got here my heart sank. I tried desperately to not led the dread set in but it indeed bombarded me like a punch to the face. I love him and I don’t want to live over a half hour away. I don’t sleep the same without him next to me, I don’t feel like myself, and I have next to no appetite. I thought living separately was just what I needed. I don’t really know what I was thinking. I isolate myself more here. I get agitated faster here. I am more prone to anxiety here. There’s too many damn cats here. I can’t go anywhere because there is no where to walk to, I am too low on gas to get to town [unnecessarily] and I don’t know what I would go to town for right now anyways.
A few more days. I have already promised myself to take myself and my cat back for at least the weekend this coming Friday. I am so excited for Friday I don’t even know if I will sleep the night before. I have already started pre-packing.
I just want to go back. I can’t wait to go back. I need to go back.
I suffered from “Bad Brows” and “REALLY Bad Brows” after over 15 years of over-plucking. I managed to grow them back ONCE, about 7 years ago, but after trying to grow them back again from 2013-2016 I realized that inevitably I had done irreversible damage. They were not growing back. Not only were they not growing back but I was stuck with MINIMAL natural brows to work with, not to mention the sheer asymmetry of them.
Makeup was fun the first few years. The “freedom” to change my brow shape, shade, and overall look was very appealing to me. In the recent years this has felt more like a chore and became more and more necessary if I desired some eyebrows on my face. It began to make me more and more self conscience about my face, I felt that my lack of brows and/or my waning eyebrow application skills were making me less attractive then I needed to be. For the most part super thin 90’s brows are NOT attractive.
I had heard of Eyebrow Tattooing many times but I was always very wary of getting a “standard tattoo” on my face. I also wanted to make sure that I got the best possible brows for my buck and as much as I wanted nice eyebrows I just didn’t trust anyone to do them for me.
I just learned about Microblading a little over a year ago. My boyfriend’s sister had gone to a Brow Place and though she did not get Microblading, the results were astounding. Her eyebrows were and are beautiful, I couldn’t stop looking at them. I wanted them. I needed them.
I found the Brow Place she went to on Instagram and I learned that her Brow Artist does Mircoblading. I did not know what that was but after some scrolling and reading I quickly came to the conclusion that it was just what I needed. Since EVERY SINGLE PICTURE was spot on, every eyebrow this girl touches became beautiful, I HAD to have her help me fix my terrible eyebrows. I felt like she really knows what a perfect, natural brow looks like and that I could trust her fully with my face.
I wasted very little time contacting this amazing Brow Wizard and before I knew it [6 months later… she is so good I had to wait which was hard but totally fine] I got Microbladed. It was well worth every minute of waiting and every penny I saved and invested into my face (if memory serves me correctly it was $500 CAD for entire procedure).
Fast forward to 6 months later. Scrolling good ole Instagram I see that my Eyebrow Artist has a new semi-permenant eyebrow technique and tool that is like Microblading but BETTER.
Nano Brows use ultra-sharp nano needles to deposit pigment under the skin. It also, as far as I have read, is a deeper pigment deposit then Microblading thus is lasts longer (up to 5 years vs 1-3 which can also mean less scar tissue because you don’t need to touch them up as often or at all). Nano needles are more precise and can actually mimic the look of real hair on the skin. Since my Microblading was already starting to fade and actually ended up more warm in colour then what I was hoping for I immediately decided that this was to be my next investment.
I thought about it for awhile before making an appointment. I knew I wanted them but I didn’t know if I could afford them anytime soon. To my pleasant surprise, because I had Microblading done when I did I was able to take advantage of a promo that my Brow Artist was offering. It was too good of a deal and way affordable for me. It was a sign.
So. Long story made a little less longer, I booked.
I had them done yesterday. Almost exactly 24 hours ago to be exact (1:30-ish pm). I was actually more nervous about then I thought. Luckily I took a preventative-ativan before I even left the house, it kept me nice and calm while I waited 15-20 minutes for the numbing cream to take affect. I was more then fairly warned that it would be painful and I have many tattoos so I knew what kind of pain I was in for. Some parts were worse then others and it LITERALLY felt like my face was getting tattooed. I don’t know if the numbing cream worked or not *but* PHEW, that was intense. There were times I was thinking “it’s okay, it’s not that bad. Breath.” And other times I was just thinking “ow, ow, ow, OW, ow, ow,ow, OW, OW, OW”.
On the upside it went fast. It was over in about 1 hour.
As soon as I looked in the mirror I knew it had all been worth it. My nerves, the drive, the OW factor. My eyebrows are even better then I ever pictured them to be.
Luckily because of the numbing cream they did not hurt afterwards. I put on my big sunglasses and a/c and drove for over an hour to get home, happy and proud of myself for doing this for myself. In the past I would have not only felt that I did not deserve such a service and I was afraid of the drive (into a city I don’t often go to, very busy, I used to find it intimidating). These days I do feel that I deserve this. I did it strictly for me and my self esteem. I needed this to make myself feel better about my outer appearance. In a lot of ways I am starting over [in life] and feeling less depressed about my outer appearance will help me to pursue my future; school, a new job, whatever it may be. I have been able to make the trip with no hiccups, in a mini-van no less [the one thing I never wanted to drive], and it isn’t nearly as scary as I would have once thought. I drove by myself to the city, parked and paid for parking in the city, and took myself to my appointment in the city, all with more confidence and less fear then ever before.
Another step completed in becoming the “new and improved” me.
Now I must muster through the healing process. Today my eyebrows feel kind of heavy and tired, much like when I had my first Microblading application. Their not overly tender though I am avoiding touching them at all and I plan to wear my hair back all week. This afternoon I dabbed them with a lukewarm, damp washcloth and then applied coconut oil. I washed my face simply by wiping it with a warm washcloth (avoiding my brows!). I pat dry with a towel and applied some moisturizer, again, avoiding my brows. I usually use a toner but I skipped it today. Hec, I might skip it all week. I cannot get my brows wet for a couple of days nor can I expose them to sunlight or excessive sweat. And no face sleeping! VERY HARD for me. But so far so good.
I was told I may NOT need a touch up but if I feel that I need one that it is included in the price if done within 6-8 weeks. I hope to not need the touch up but if I think I might I will pursue it after healing. I should know in 2 weeks or so.
I can’t wait for 9 days from now when I will see the final appearance of my new Nano Brows. Doesn’t seem too long to wait though and my Brow Artist told me that healing is easier and/or faster with Nano Brows. I suppose I will find out over the next 7-10 days.
I have managed to film some clips and I hope to film a few more for a Nano Brow Vlog video that will be available on my YouTube Channel [hopefully] within the week.
I could not be happier with my overall experience with Microblading and Nano Brow. I am so happy in fact that I would like to look into learning how to do it. Again, time will tell. This week it’s all about healing 🙂